


upon a painted ocean

by TI_82



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 3, Fallout 4
Genre: Adam's had a DAY, Character list to be updated as needed, Extremely Dubious Consent, Fallout 3 heavily referenced, I'm not surprised I forgot, Implied/Referenced Torture, It happens, Lore-Friendly, M/M, Non-redemption arc, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Slavery, Slavery, Worldbuilding, and eventually seen in person, chapter by chapter tags, completely forgot to tag that, it's a long road but we get there, listen no one said it was easy growing a conscience, mostly friendly to established lore but a number of lore 'expansions' if you will, not in story though - Freeform, or four years, or whatever redemption is possibly available for a man who acknowledges irredeemable acts, sorta - Freeform, then eventually actual consent, then slightly less dubious consent, though honestly given how poorly the two of them actually stick to it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-09-19 08:43:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 56,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20328310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TI_82/pseuds/TI_82
Summary: He went like one that hath been stunned, / And is of sense forlorn: / A sadder and a wiser man, / He rose the morrow morn.Feral was the name he'd chosen for himself. It was very apt. That was the point of it.(A sole survivor with more ghosts than virtues, and the lost man he never quite leads home.)





	1. one.

**Author's Note:**

> So WOW does this fic go places that aren't cool, but 82 wanted to really examine the theme of consent under adverse conditions and different societal values, so, uh. Here we are, I guess.  
Each chapter's going to be preceded by tags for what's in it, so there's always a bit of a heads up; if I forgot to tag something that REALLY should've been tagged, let me know, I'll get on that shit ASAP.  
At least Chapter One hits the hardest, first? I guess?
> 
> Tags for chapter one:  
Coercion, assault, referenced past assault, oral, anal

‘What the fuck are you doing?’

Feral grinned at the raider scout who’d crept into the abandoned house he was camping in and tried to take his pack. The man was currently handcuffed to a desk chair, the lantern on the desk beside him casting frantic shadows over his thin face.

‘You already know,’ Feral said, and reached into his bag and pulled out a bottle of oil. He set it on the desk, and thought with the faintest ghost of pity that the raider couldn’t have known _ who _ he was trying to rob; that his target would be a man who had no trouble punishing those who wronged him. That was the raider’s problem, though, and as Feral nonchalantly unzipped his pants for effect, the man’s eyes widened. He knew what was coming.

‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ he said, struggling again but getting nowhere. ‘No fucking way, just fucking kill me –’

‘No.’

Feral yanked the raider out of the chair and slammed him over the back of the desk; holding him in place, he calmly used another pair of handcuffs to lock him to the front drawers before uncuffing him from the heavy chair and tossing it to the side. It gave a good hearty thump as it hit the ground, and before the raider could think to start kicking, Feral handcuffed each leg to one of the feet of the desk. The raider was now spread eagle, bent over the desk, struggling uselessly.

Feral ignored whatever the raider was saying, instead standing back to admire his handiwork. The man was unhealthily skinny, but his ass had a good shape, and Feral would bet his dick that it was all muscle beneath the shapeless clothes. Then, having looked his fill, Feral pulled out his straight razor.

Carefully (Feral really hated when blood got involved in this sort of thing, that wasn’t the point of this and he generally did a good job of avoiding it), he sliced open the raider’s pants, letting them fall in pieces to the floor. At least this raider seemed to keep his body clean; a nice change. And Feral had been right – he might be dreadfully thin but it was all corded muscle, and his ass was a lovely thing to behold.

‘Fuck, please stop,’ the raider begged, ‘they were going to kill my sister if I didn’t go with them, I don’t want to do this – please, I swear, this wasn’t my idea, I don’t want to be here, I never wanted to be here –’

Normally, Feral didn’t care about cries; they didn’t bother him, and he paid no attention. Whoever he was currently punishing had earned it – losing his possessions in the wasteland could mean death for Feral, much less if they'd made an attempt on his life. He saw no reason to afford them their excuses.

He’d had a sister once, though. Long ago. Dead now. He would have done a lot to keep her from getting that way. The choice had been taken from him, blocked by inches of thick steel and a small glass window.

‘Tell you what,’ Feral said thoughtfully, setting aside his razor. He supposed every man had his moments of hesitation; might as well see where his went. ‘Where are you from?’

‘What?’

Feral slapped the raider’s ass, who cried out in pain. ‘Where are you from?’

‘Megaton!’ the raider gasped, and if he was older than twenty five Feral would never fuck anyone for revenge again as long as he lived. The dirt and tiredness made him look older, but sometimes even men like Feral had limits; his limits had always very strictly included _ not a fucking child, even I’m not that monstrous._ ‘Capital Wasteland, Megaton, god, please don’t go there, please don’t hurt her -’

‘That ain’t the point,’ Feral said, and slapped his ass again when he opened his mouth. ‘You said raiders took you?’

‘Yes,’ the raider said, clearly having figured out who was in charge and how to listen. Smart, or at least smart enough to recognise what he needed to do to survive. Explained his capture (instead of murder) by other raiders, come to think of it, but he could have chosen something other than creeping up on Feral in the night.

‘What’s your name? How old are you?’

‘Adam. I’m – yeah, it’s still October, I think. Fuck, I don’t know. I’m probably still twenty-four.’

‘Called it. Alright, Adam, I’m gonna make you a deal,’ Feral said, because he’d had an idea. The answer cemented his plan; any younger and he would have just left it alone, knocked Adam out and left him here. ‘I take it you can’t just run off from them, else you wouldn’t be here.’

‘No. They’d find me and kill me. You don’t want to know what they did, the one time I tried. Though considering what you’re doing, maybe you –’

Feral slapped his ass again, and his words cut off as he cried out; Feral wasn’t interested in listening to his mouth. ‘Alright then. Here’s your deal. I’m gonna fuck you here. You ain’t getting outta that. Think of it as insurance for if you’re lying. But instead of leaving you ass up for whoever comes next, you and I are gonna go kill all your raider buddies so ain't nobody can follow you. Sure hope you’re telling the truth or this is gonna be awkward for you. We’re gonna take all their shit and sell it for a pretty pile of caps. Then – I’ll tell you what. I’m gonna take you back down to Megaton.’

‘…what?’

‘On a few conditions.’

‘Okay, that makes more sense.’

Feral snorted, but slapped Adam’s ass anyway, making him yelp in pain. ‘While we do this? You’re gonna do whatever I say. Whatever I want. If you don’t, I’m killing you and leaving you in a ditch. You’re gonna let me fuck you, whenever and wherever I want, in any way I want. And you’re gonna like it. Or at least pretend you do. Then when we get to Megaton, you can go, if you want.’

‘If I – of course I’ll want to,’ Adam said, then ‘hey, no, I’m trying to answer you, don’t fucking hit me for doing what you want!’

‘It wasn’t a question,’ Feral said, but didn’t slap Adam again, as a sign of good faith. ‘And you’d be surprised. You might be begging me to keep you.’

Adam’s silence was mutinous, but he kept quiet. Fast learner.

‘Do you accept?’

‘Do I have a choice?’

‘Yes. You can come with me, or you can wait for your friends to come find you here. And you got a choice ass. Pretty sure they’d take a few rounds before letting you go. If they let you go at all.’

Adam was silent, and his shoulders started shaking a little. ‘Fine,’ he said, voice broken. ‘Fine. Because they would. And then they’d finally kill me, because I didn’t pull this _ stupid _ plan of theirs off. So fucking congrats, asshole, you managed to make sexual slavery the lesser of two evils.’

Feral buried his fingers in Adam’s hair, yanking his head up. ‘Not a good way to start this off,’ he said. ‘Apologise.’

‘Fuck you.’

‘You really wanna be gangbanged that bad, huh?’

‘I said yes to you. So do it. Fuck me, I don’t care. I can pretend tomorrow, but you can’t make me like it tonight, I just don’t – I just don’t fucking have it in me, okay? You’re asking me to choose between being fucked and killed tomorrow morning or fucked and killed two weeks from now when you get bored with me. Just take what you can get from me, okay?’

Feral considered this; Adam’s tears didn’t bother him (he’d long grown immune to the pity it was supposed to invoke), but it was never satisfying when a person he was trying to get revenge from just gave up at the beginning. ‘Hmph,’ he said, annoyed. Adam flinched as Feral let go of his hair, sliding his hand down the line of Adam’s spine. ‘You really think I can’t make you like it tonight?’

‘No,’ Adam said, weary but certain. ‘You can’t.’

‘I think I can.’

‘Have fun trying. I don’t care.’

Feral disliked this more than the mouthiness, by far. Change in tack, then.

Again, he stroked his hand down Adam’s spine, then cut through the fabric with his straight razor. Adam didn’t move, just lay on the desk, waiting Feral out. Feral didn’t approve of that. He _ did _ approve of the way Adam flinched when he bent over Adam’s back and kissed the back of his neck, as gently as a man like Feral could ever manage. Once. Twice. Three times, feathering out over Adam’s shoulder.

‘Great, you’re one of the ones who does the whole ‘worship the body’ bullshit,’ Adam griped, unmoved. ‘Don’t bother, it never works. Get it over with.’

…Feral, for all that he was currently about to fuck Adam whether or not Adam wanted it, still didn’t like the implications of that sentence. Feral was a truthful man – one who kept his promises – for all of his other (infinite) moral failings; among those infinite failings was hypocrisy, and he knew it. No one was perfect, and Feral was far, _ far _ from it. ‘How many men you let fuck you, then?’

‘None.’

‘Now how many men _ have _ fucked you?’

‘Shut the fuck up. I’ll just throw your name on the list when I get home.’

‘Hmph,’ Feral repeated. ‘How many did you enjoy?’

‘The same number I chose, asshole.’

Well, at least there was some of the fight back, and it told Feral the best way to break Adam down until he wasn’t just willing, he was enthusiastic. A balanced approach, one he could sink time into as they travelled; one half stern, sometimes cruel, to remind Adam who was in charge. One half basic human decency, sometimes kindness, and compared to what Adam was implying, it would be mistaken for something much greater. Feral hadn’t had much of a goal for a while now, so it was almost pleasant to have one now. 

‘Hold still, or I’m gonna cut your throat,’ Feral said, standing straight. He wouldn’t have, of course, but Adam didn’t need to know that.

‘Might be preferable,’ Adam muttered, but didn’t move as Feral unlocked the handcuffs around his ankles.

‘Turn over.’

There was enough give in the handcuffs that Arthur could do so. It took Feral a second of jerryrigging, then rearranging Adam entirely, but soon Adam was laying on the desk lengthwise. His legs were spread across the surface, knees bent over the edge so he couldn’t close them again, and his hands were once more bound over his head.

His ass was pulled up to the edge, and Feral quite liked the view; good-sized balls dangled below a reasonably long but slim cock, which was soft at the moment. He could just see Adam’s tight asshole below.

‘Get it over with,’ Adam repeated tiredly. ‘Or kill me. Take your pick, I don’t – what are you doing?’

Feral had hauled over the chair he’d originally cuffed Adam to, and set it between Adam’s legs before taking a seat.

‘Making you like it,’ Feral said, and began to play with Adam’s dick. Adam remained stone-faced, even as his dick hardened, but Feral knew a dick wasn’t always desire, and _ that _ was the break he was looking for. He wasn’t going to get that break from a handjob, or even a fuck.

‘Wait, what?’ Adam said in disbelief, then gasped aloud as Feral bent and took him into his mouth. ‘Oh, _ fuck.’ _

Feral, once upon a time in a different world, had been very good at blowjobs. Loved them, even, and having a cock in his mouth again was actually pretty good; he’d not bothered with any of the others he’d gotten revenge on, and hadn’t bothered seeking anyone out for company, as he was at this point supremely disinterested in the concept. Even so. It was nice to do this again.

He took Adam down to the root without anything in the way of trouble, and Adam gasped; when Feral tongued the sensitive spot between the base of the cock and his balls, Adam _ whimpered._ ‘No,’ he panted, ‘No, stop, that’s – Jesus _ fuck,_ I thought you were going to – going to –’

As he buried the head of Adam’s cock in his throat and swallowed around it, Feral thought with an intentionally loud hum that his approach of unwilling pleasure was really the best one for the purpose of revenge. Nothing else was as satisfying; he took genuine enjoyment in making the people who’d wronged him enjoy their punishment. Adam cried out at the sensation of Feral’s throat rippling around his dick, trying to buck his hips up and unable to do so.

‘Fuck, stop,’ Adam begged, a high whine hiding just behind his words. ‘Stop, just – stop it, you were going to fuck me, what the fuck are you _ doing – _ ** _hah_ ** _ –’ _

Feral pulled up and off Adam’s dick, sucking hard as he went. When his mouth was empty, he started to jack Adam off again, who was jerking into the touch and hating every second, judging by the look on his face. ‘Told you. Making you like it. You’re gonna beg one day – maybe not tonight, but you’re gonna.’

‘Fuck off, just – stop, I don’t want you to – to – oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.’ Adam tried to wriggle away; he got nowhere. ‘Fuck me already. Get it over with. Stop fucking _ touching _ me like this – you don’t fucking care if I feel good, just – just –’

‘You’re wrong. It just ain’t for no reason you like,’ Feral said, continuing to jack him off. ‘I like you feeling good, because you don’t wanna feel it. But you do, don’t you? You want it.’

‘Stop it –’

‘You want me to suck your cock, to fuck my mouth. I’m the first man you _ want _ to suck you off. You’re gonna want it, and you’re gonna like it, too.’

_‘Stop it, _ I don’t fucking want _ any _ of this –’

‘Yet.’

Feral sucked Adam’s dick back into his mouth and Adam moaned before cutting it off halfway through. Feral pulled off, his lips moving over the head of Adam’s dick. ‘Tell me you want it and I’ll get it over with,’ he murmured, and Adam choked back another sound. ‘Otherwise we’re gonna be here for hours – and I can make it last _hours._ So tell me you want it.’

He could hear Adam swallow above him. ‘Hope you don’t want me to tell the truth,’ he said sharply.

‘Truth follows lies repeated often enough,’ replied Feral. He’d seen it. Sometimes, he wished he could do it. ‘Tell me. Say it over and over as I suck your cock, until you _ do _ mean it. Then I’ll let you come.’

Adam was silent. ‘Goddamn you to hell,’ he whispered. ‘I hate you. I fucking _ hate _ you.’

‘Hours it is.’

‘No, it’s not,’ Adam said, then (through gritted teeth), ‘do it. Please. Blow me. I want it.’

‘There you go,’ Feral said, and swallowed Adam’s cock down. Adam’s breath hitched.

‘Come on, suck my cock,’ he said, sounding wooden, like he was reading badly from a screenplay. ‘Like that. Right there. Ah.’

Feral laughed, Adam’s dick deep enough that the muscles of his throat moved over the head of Adam’s dick; Adam sucked in a sharp breath then. More so when Feral pulled back, leaving only the head inside his mouth, and began to suck it like he could draw the cum out this way, his tongue dipping in and rocking against the slit atop. A little burst of pre-cum splashed onto his tongue as Adam moaned, unable to cut this one off. Feral grinned around the dick in his mouth.

‘Fuck,’ Adam breathed, and this one sounded more genuine. ‘Fuck – I –’

Feral released the head and kissed down the shaft to the base; once there, he sucked one of the balls into his mouth. Adam cried out, then again when Feral did it to the other; when Feral carefully took both balls into his mouth, Adam all but shouted.

‘Fuck, right there,’ he moaned, and this was real, if guilty. Ha. Feral had made him want it. Time to drive his point home.

He poured oil onto his fingers, still playing with Adam’s balls with his tongue, then released them to start licking the shaft again. Adam sighed – then froze as Feral placed a slick finger right at the tight ring of his ass.

‘No, don’t,’ Adam breathed. ‘You – I thought you were –’

Feral shrugged, then began to push his finger into Adam.

It was hard, Adam crying out in pain as he tried to keep his ass closed, but Feral won in the end, leaving Adam whimpering and his cock flagging. Feral just took it back in his mouth again and started a slow rhythm with one finger, slowly deeper. Adam was struggling again, but there was nowhere for him to go.

Feral crooked his finger up, searching, and knew he’d found his target when Adam moaned despite himself.

‘What – what the fuck was – what was _ that _ –’

Feral frowned and released Adam’s dick. ‘What, you been fucked this many times and don’t know what _ this _ –’ he rubbed Adam’s prostate, who tossed his head to the side in response, ‘– is?’

‘No, what – what are you doing?!’ Adam demanded. ‘It’s never – that’s never – what the fuck did you _ do _ to me?’

Feral’s eyebrow rose. ‘What a bunch of fucking idiots,’ he said flatly. ‘What, were they trying to fuck you like you’re a girl?’

Adam was silent.

This annoyed Feral – not the silence, though that was a little irksome – but he’d always hated when people didn’t bother to do the job right. Every punishment _ Feral _ had ever meted out had ended with the offender getting off. 

‘Well, that’s bullshit,’ he said calmly, and rubbed again. Adam moaned, long and low, then panted,

‘Are you seriously fucking annoyed that everybody else who’s fucked me against my will didn’t do it _ right?’ _

In response, Feral began aggressively stroking Adam’s prostate. Adam’s breath stalled in his chest, and his hips twitched into it as best they could, his asshole finally starting to relax around Feral.

‘Yes,’ Feral said, blunt. ‘Have some fucking standards. There ain’t no point to it, otherwise. No challenge.’

‘What the fuck are you talking about?’

‘Anybody can shove their dick in something,’ he dismissed. ‘The real fun is in breaking somebody. Making them want it. That at least takes skill.’

‘…god, you’re fucked up.’ He tensed as Feral moved to two fingers, wincing in discomfort.

‘Yes,’ Feral said, owning it because it was true and he didn’t care anymore. ‘And you want me to fuck you.’

‘Just to get it over with.’

‘Why lie? I ain’t lied to you once. Let’s not start here. You want it because it feels good.’

‘Bullshit.’

Adam moaned when Feral touched his prostate again, withdrew and sank three fingers inside him; barely any resistance, now. Adam’s body was used to this sort of thing. Good, at least something had come of all the idiots that had come before Feral.

‘You can deny it if you like,’ Feral said, ‘but you do. You’re desperate for me to fuck you. You never wanted nobody to do this before. It scares you. But you want it.’

‘Stop – oh, _ god _ – stop fucking psychoanalysing me, asshole,’ Adam panted. ‘Fuck off.’

‘I don’t need you to agree to know it’s true. You hate this _ because _ you want it. You hate all the times before, because you _ coulda _wanted it, but they were selfish. They never made it good.’

He slid his fingers free, leaving Adam jerking, and slicked up his own cock. He leaned forward over Adam, bracing his hands to either side of Adam’s torso. He used his clean hand to force Adam to look at him.

‘You want somebody like me,’ he murmured. ‘Somebody who makes you feel good. Somebody in charge. Somebody who can keep you safe.’

‘So someone nothing like you,’ Adam said sharply. Feral laughed softly.

‘You’re right. Nobody like me.’ Feral grinned. ‘Just me. Me in particular. And by the time we reach Megaton, you’ll know it.’

He then kissed Adam, prying his lips apart with his tongue. Adam tried to bite him, but Feral deftly avoided it, kissing him until he gave up, mouth still. Feral kept kissing him, and didn’t stop until Adam started reluctantly responding; before long the kiss was energetic, Adam’s tongue in Feral’s mouth as often as vice versa. Reluctant still, unwilling, but undeniably involved.

Feral drew away then, leaving Adam dazed in his wake. While Adam tried to regain his sense, Feral took advantage of his distraction: he slicked his cock up once more, set it against Adam’s stretched hole, and began to push inside.

Adam jerked in surprise, started to tighten in panic around Feral, but Feral had anticipated that. He took hold of Adam’s hips, adjusting the angle, and knew it worked when Adam gasped and shoved up onto Feral’s dick instinctively. A wonder, the human prostate; that so small a thing caused so much raucous pleasure – enough to make an unwilling man try to fuck the unwanted dick _ himself _ – was a gift. Particularly to men like Feral.

That hadn’t always been his name. He still felt it very apt.

Feral buried himself in Adam until his hips were flat to Adam’s spread thighs, and he sighed in satisfaction. _‘Definitely _ a choice ass,’ he said approvingly. ‘Feels like it was made for my cock. What do you think?’

‘I think you need to get it over with,’ Adam said sharply, but his voice was breathy, too.

Feral chuckled. ‘Nah, I think I’m gonna take my time,’ he said. He slid out a ways, nearly to the point where his cock would fall out, then rolled his hips forward carefully. Adam yelped, startled, and then moaned against his will. Feral knew why. He’d done this so many times that the only way he’d be missing Adam’s prostate was if he tried. _‘Really _ make you want it. Feels good, don’t it?’

‘I –’ Adam started, but lost it in a gulping, shuddering breath as Feral slid out, then rolled back in. Slide. Roll. Slide. Roll. ‘Oh, fuck.’

‘Didn’t know it could be like this, did you?’ Feral continued.

_ ‘Hah _ – I, I d-don’t w-want – oh _ fuck,_ fuck fuck fuck,’ Adam said. He was trying to hold himself still. He wasn’t succeeding.

_ ‘This _ is why you’re gonna beg to stay,’ Feral said softly. ‘Hell, if I’d known…’ He had to take a second, himself, because Adam’s ass really _ was _ excellent: slick, tight, hot, and willing despite itself. The best kind. He buried himself deep and paused, so he could focus. ‘Here. Change in terms.’

‘Great, what the fuck do you want _ now?’ _ Adam huffed.

‘You, begging for it. More importantly, I’m throwing in a freebie. Everything’s the same, but instead of just fucking you, I’m gonna teach you.’

‘…teach me what, to be a rapist? No thanks.’

‘No, you idiot,’ Feral said sharply, his hands tightening on Adam’s hips until he hissed in pain at the bruises already forming. ‘How to feel good. Everything before me was awful. Nobody tried to make you feel good, too. So I’m gonna do it.’

Adam stared at him. ‘…god, you’re fucked up,’ he whispered for the umpteenth time, but ultimately nodded. ‘You’re either going to do that or you won’t, so whatever. Sure.’

Feral nodded back. ‘Now, ask me to keep going.’

‘What?’

Feral smiled at Adam; he doubted it was an expression Adam took any comfort in. ‘Ask me to keep fucking you. Admit it feels good. Then we can finish this.’

Adam hesitated, pride and values warring against survival and pleasure, and Feral watched with satisfaction.

‘Fine, fuck it,’ Adam sighed, but his face was pink. ‘What’s the fucking point, I’m stuck with you anyway, might as well get fucking used to this. Yeah, keep going. Fuck me.’

‘And?’ Feral prompted, and Adam flushed brighter.

‘I – okay, fine, fuck you, it feels good,’ he admitted, looking away from Feral. ‘Really fucking good, okay, this isn’t – no one else has done this, no. Congrats, you’re outperforming everyone who fucked me before you, even though I never wanted it, so it’s a real low fucking bar. Are you happy now?’

‘As I ever am,’ Feral agreed, then began to move his hips.

Adam had clearly given into the inevitable, to bodily reactions and needs; the handcuffs kept him from any real independent movement, but his hips twitched with each thrust like he was trying to arch into it. He tossed his head from side to side, panting, and his cock bobbed each time Feral drove back inside. Most satisfying of all were the sounds – muttered curses chanted like prayers, tiny mewls and whimpers of pleasure, and something that sounded an awful lot like choked back pleas. 

As for his ass – _ damn. _ It was easily one of the tightest Feral had ever fucked, and one of the hottest. If asked, Feral would’ve said one ass was like another before this. He was willing to re-evaluate his stance on the topic, now.

As the fuck intensified, the sounds from Adam’s throat grew less and less controlled, less and less muffled, and now Feral was certain what he was hearing. ‘Louder,’ he said after a burst of it. ‘Unless you want me to stop –’

‘No, fuck, don’t –’ Adam said, going redder. ‘Fuck. _ Fuck._ I’m – I’m saying please, alright? Because _ fuck _ this feels good and _ fuck _ I hate it and _ fuck _ I hate you and ** _fuck_ ** me, just – fuck me, you bastard –’

Feral grinned, heat running through all his veins. Finally. _ Finally._

He let go of Adam’s hip with one hand, and as he started to _ really _ pound into Adam’s ass, he wrapped his fingers around Adam’s cock and started to stroke.

_‘Fuck!’ _ Adam yelped, then ‘Oh god, oh fuck, you’re – I’m – ** _fuck_ ** –’

‘Come,’ Feral said, not because he thought Adam would listen but because he knew Adam was going to do it anyway, and this way it looked like it was at Feral’s command.

With a sob of pleasure and a twist of his hips that probably hurt, Adam came hard; his cock spurted his cum out into the near-concave planes of his stomach, bright against the deep tan of his skin. His ass clenched down almost painfully around Feral, who growled, snatching up his hips again and aiming to drag along Adam’s prostate as much as he could.

‘Oh god,’ Adam whispered, ‘oh fuck, fuck, I already came, why does – it's too much, fuck, it's –!’

Feral slammed into him, rocking his hips in short, harsh motions as he pumped cum deep inside Adam. Adam whimpered at that, body shoving up against Feral, even with his own orgasm past; fuck, Feral loved when that happened.

Feral finally stopped, still buried inside Adam but holding himself up with his hands on the desk to either side of Adam’s hips. He could see the bruises already beginning to darken.

‘Christ,’ Adam whispered at last. ‘You… what the _ fuck.’ _

‘I told you that you were gonna feel good,’ Feral pointed out. ‘I meant it.’

He slid out of Adam, who moaned freely before clamping his mouth shut, face red. ‘Now,’ he said, ‘I got some spare clothes for you. You got half an hour to rest, then we're gonna go after these friends of yours.’

‘I don’t think I’ll even be able to walk,’ Adam said, and he was smart; he didn’t try to pull anything as Feral unlocked the handcuffs of his legs, undoing the ones on his arms as well. All he did was move to close his legs, wincing as he did so.

‘Hurt?’ Feral asked. ‘Or that the cum?’

‘What do you care?’

‘I asked you a fucking question,’ Feral said mildly (or as mild as he ever was). ‘Answer it.’

‘Both,’ Adam said through gritted teeth. ‘I’m sore, and it’s been a while since I’ve had cum in my ass. Feels weird.’

‘Better get used to it,’ Feral advised. ‘I ain’t never gonna finish nowhere else if I’m fucking you, whether it’s your ass or your throat.’

‘What about you, are you a swallower?’

Feral paused. ‘Excuse me?’

‘Sorry, pretend I didn’t say anything,’ Adam said hastily, shrinking away.

‘You saying you think I’m gonna suck _ your _ dick?’

‘I’m sorry, listen –’

‘So you think I’m gonna suck _ your _ dick. What else? Think I’m gonna let you fuck me?’

‘I said I’m sorry!’ Adam yelped, flinching as Feral grabbed his chin.

‘That’s alright,’ Feral said, leaving Adam staring up at him. ‘You were right.’

‘…what?’

‘You ain’t never gonna top,’ Feral said, amused by his bewildered expression, ‘but that don’t mean you ain’t gonna fuck me. You’re under my control. You listen to me, you do what I say, and your body ain’t yours until we’re through. And sometimes I’m gonna use your dick however I want.’

Adam swallowed. ‘…god, this is fucked up,’ he whispered again.

‘Yes. You got twenty five minutes now. Better learn how to walk again.’ Feral let go of Adam’s chin. ‘We got work to do.’


	2. two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags:
> 
> Violence, murder (faceless raiders, it's fine probably), handjob, manhandling, assault mentions

Feral didn’t bother to pay attention to the raiders as he killed them. He rarely did when it came to clean-out jobs like this; they were inconsequential. They couldn’t touch him, particularly small-timers like these, so he had no need to be afraid.

There were around twenty of them, all holed up in the same ramshackle but sprawling shed. Five on guard, fifteen asleep. Easy enough to slit the guard’s throats, then the sleepers. Partway through, he looked at Adam. When he'd caught his attention, he murmured, 

‘Any of these men fuck you?’

Adam looked startled at the question; he was surprisingly unbothered by the slaughter. Good. Feral wouldn’t put up with squeamishness. ‘Yeah,’ he whispered back. ‘A few of them.’

Feral held out his straight razor. ‘Then you’re killing them.’

‘…what?’

‘First thing you’re gonna learn with me: we take no prisoners,’ Feral replied. ‘And we don’t suffer no insult from nobody outside us. The only one you’re gonna suffer is me. So you’re killing them. They touched you, and didn’t even bother to do it properly.’

‘…what the fuck.’

‘Think about how it felt when I fucked you. They coulda done that. They didn’t. You’re a tool to them: meat. You’re mine, now. A tool to me. A warm body. But at least I take care of my possessions. So take revenge.’ He offered the razor again. ‘Now.’

Adam did so. With each one, Feral watched with satisfaction as Adam got angrier, more vengeful. Righteous, in his own way. Without prompting, Adam finished the rest of them, a cold fury on his face. Feral felt his cock stir at that; he wasn’t surprised. He’d had a danger kink in his old life, too.

When the last one was gurgling his last, Adam stood, holding out the straight razor to Feral. ‘Fucked up,’ he commented as Feral took the blade, ‘but kind of cathartic. I’ll give you that.’

Feral wiped the blood off his blade, tucking it away, then stepped forward.

‘So should we start looting –’ Adam began, but lost the sentence in a gasp of mingled surprise and pain as Feral grabbed him by the shoulder and slammed him into the wood of the nearest wall. ‘What the fuck did I – I did what you said, didn’t –’

Feral kissed him, no affection in it but all hunger. Adam struggled for a second before giving up as Feral licked his mouth open, letting him in and only responding minimally. That lasted until he realised what Feral was doing, which was unzipping Adam’s pants.

‘Wait, what – what are you doing?!’ Adam said, voice high with alarm.

‘Giving you your reward,’ Feral replied, and kissed Adam again, sucking on his tongue while starting to fondle his soft cock. It was already starting to perk up, though. Excellent. He let Adam’s mouth go so Adam could gulp down air, and felt his own mouth spread in a wild grin. ‘You didn’t think you weren’t gonna get _ nothing _ for this, did you?’

‘You – you didn’t say –’ was all Adam seemed to manage, because he was hard enough for Feral to start stroking now. He clung to Feral’s shoulders, burying his shout in Feral’s neck as he thrust into Feral’s hand.

‘Stupid of you not to ask, then,’ Feral said, very much enjoying how quickly Adam was giving in. He was clearly already touch-starved – at least starved of touches that felt good, anyway. It wouldn’t take long at all to addict Adam to this. ‘I told you. You’re _ my _ possession now. Yes, you gotta do everything I say. Yes, you’re gonna get fucked whenever I want, whether or not you do. But there are perks.’

‘What the – the fuck kind of perks are you talking about,’ Adam panted, fucking Feral’s fist so hard that Feral was barely bothering to move his hand at all. ‘Surprise fucking handjobs that I don’t want either?’

‘You’re lucky your mouthiness is funny to me sometimes,’ Feral said, tightening his fist; not painful, and not intended to be, but the noise of pleasure Adam made probably hurt his throat. ‘And yes. Sometimes. When you do as I say, what I want, you’re gonna get rewarded. Give me a good fuck when I want one, you’re gonna get rewarded. And ain’t nobody touching you as long as you’re with me. Nobody but me.’

‘I – I –’

‘Nobody else gets to hurt you,’ Feral continued, because Adam was falling apart in Feral's arms. It was almost as good as getting jacked off himself. ‘Nobody else gets to fuck you. Anybody who tries, dies. You belong to me, for now. And you saw what happened when somebody tried to take my things. What I did to you was downright polite.’

_ ‘I’m _ _ –’_ Adam groaned into Feral’s neck, and as he came, Feral aimed it so that all of the cum spattered on the ground. He panted, heaving like he ran a race, as Feral put him back in his pants. Feral was zipping them up when he realised his shoulder was getting wet.

‘If you’re crying on me, you’re gonna regret it.’

Adam immediately pulled away and his face was indeed wet. He rubbed his eyes. ‘Sorry, fuck. I didn’t mean to. Won’t happen again.’

Feral considered him. It had been a long time since he'd spent any significant amount of time with another human being in _ any _ sense – Feral generally went alone, and that was how he preferred it. He’d have to get used to this again.

‘Why?’

‘What, you mean why am I crying other than being manipulated into sexual slavery and killing twenty people?’

‘Yes.’

That seemed to trip Adam up; he’d clearly been angling to make Feral angry, to make him drop it from distraction.

‘Why are you crying? Give me the truth. There are consequences if you don’t.’

Adam swallowed. Looked miserable. ‘Because I’m fucked up,’ he whispered at last. ‘I’m worse than you, and I don’t fucking know how to live with that.’

‘Why are you worse?’

Adam hesitated again, his whisper even quieter. ‘Because I – fuck. Because I’m so fucked up, so fucking broken, that I want that.’

…emotional breaking might happen very fast indeed, Feral realised. Adam disguised himself behind his sarcasm and snark; he was much more fragile than Feral had initially judged. Both a good thing and a bad thing. Feral needed more information before he decided.

‘Explain.’

Adam wrapped his arms around himself. ‘I don’t want to – to be your fucking slave, alright? That’s not – that’s not the part I – whatever, you get it. It’s happening, anyway, and I’m so fucked up that I’m thinking, ‘yeah, sure, I’m going to be molested whenever this fuckhead wants, but at least he makes it feel good. At least he’s going to – to make sure no one else does it’.’ Adam moved his hands up to cover his face. ‘God. Moira’s not even going to want me when I get home, I’m so fucked up –’

‘Shut it,’ Feral said, making an executive decision, and Adam wisely closed his mouth. ‘I ain’t putting up with this the whole walk there. In your words: I’m fucked up. You’re fucked up. Get used to it or don’t, I don’t care. But one of four things is gonna happen. One, I get you back, your sister hates you, you come with me. Two, I get you back, your sister hates you, you stay. Three, I get you back, your sister wants you, and you stay. Four, I get you back, your sister wants you, and you come with me anyway.’

Adam watched him warily.

‘That’s it. Those are the four outcomes. And the only way you’re gonna find out is by knocking off the blubbering, accepting it, and letting me take you back.’

‘Why are you even bothering?’ Adam whispered.

‘Because a month or so of having a regular, easy fuck don’t sound bad. I ain’t never been down that way, so new things to see. And because by the end of it, you won’t wanna go. You’re gonna beg me to stay with you, or beg me to take you with me. And I like winning – taking is fine. Winning is better.’

Adam swallowed. ‘Okay. Fine. I just – I just have to outlast you, then. Then you’ll get me home and I’m free. You’re not going to make me stay? You don’t seem to have a problem ignoring someone’s no.’

Feral shook his head. ‘Nah, that’s boring. I already _ made _ you stay. It ain’t no challenge to just take you again. I wanna hear you beg at the end of this, and as many times in between, as I can. If I ain’t gonna, then you lose your value.’

‘…well, points for honesty. Do I get a name for you or are we going full cliche and making me call you master?’

‘Feral.’

Adam stared at him. ‘Don’t kill me for saying this, but that’s a little on the nose.’

‘That’s why I chose it. Now. Let’s get everything of worth out of this trash. We’re gonna need the caps, you ain’t gonna make it with none of this garbage and we need supplies.’

Adam was staring at him again. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘You. Clothes. Armour. Gun. You’re gonna need it so I ain’t constantly keeping you from dying, stimpaks are expensive as hell.’

‘…that’s a lot of caps.’

‘And? That’s why we’re selling this shit.’

‘Look, I’m not used to – you know. Being looked out for. Even if it’s coming from the creep who’s decided I’m his property.’

‘Get used to it. I take care of my belongings, and I hate losing them to incompetence.’

Adam winced, but started to dig through bags and rifle through bodies. Feral didn’t bother asking; time enough to do that in the future.

This wouldn’t be straightforward. He had to cultivate loyalty in Adam at the same time as he asserted that he was (and would always be) in charge. He had to imply he could have any personal fondness without following through – easy, for him – so that Adam was left to chase it forever.

A complex balancing act. A goal. A challenge.

Feral wouldn’t have it any other way.

* * *

Adam adjusted the last piece of his new armour, looking a little dazed as he finished donning the set. ‘I feel like I picked up a sugar daddy,’ he muttered to himself; Feral still snorted.

It had been well worth the effort to lug all of the surprisingly decent items they found to Diamond City. More caps, and better equipment to buy; Feral was invested in this plan, now. It was something to focus on for the first time in over a year, and it would be satisfying to win something like this for once, instead of taking it.

Adam flushed at Feral’s snort. He’d clearly not expected Feral to hear him. ‘Alright, I’m set,’ he said hastily. ‘Ready to leave when you are.’

‘Mm,’ Feral said, looking him over critically; he reached out and adjusted one of the buckles, making Adam flinch before he realised what Feral was doing. Feral ignored it. ‘Now. Come on, let’s get moving, it’s morning and I wanna find a good spot to camp in for tonight. Just one last stop at the chem stand.’

Adam made a face. ‘Tell me it’s just for stimpaks,’ he said. ‘I’ve seen enough Jet to last me a lifetime, and I wasn't even the one taking it.’

‘No. Not just stimpaks. Radaway and Rad-X. The doctor has some but he waters it down.’

‘…ah.’

Adam trailed after him, paying Feral little attention other than to make sure he stayed close to him. He didn’t appear to be aware that he was doing so; that pleased Feral. Adam was nervous enough to consider Feral safer than other company. Soon, nerves wouldn’t come into it at all.

He also watched for anyone dangerous, which was… a pleasant bonus, Feral had to admit. Useless in Diamond City, but still. Had the raiders bothered to outfit him with more than clothes and a half-broken pipe pistol, Adam looked like he might have been halfway competent. Might even be halfway competent now.

Adam didn’t pay Feral much mind as Feral made the last purchases, looking eager to go, and smiled at Feral when Feral caught his attention. It almost immediately disappeared under a neutral face of displeasure; Adam was clearly annoyed with himself. Feral was his owner for now, after all. He didn’t want to act like he approved of or was attached in any way to Feral.

Feral thought that it was a stroke of luck those raiders had sent Adam on (what he suspected was) a suicide mission in the first place; Adam was a source of great satisfaction. ‘Come on,’ Feral said as they made their way out of the market and towards the main gate. ‘We’re burning daylight. We can make it pretty far if we start now. Just keep your gun loose and don’t shoot unless I tell you to, and I’m gonna give you your present.’

‘…my what?’

Adam sounded not confused, but apprehensive. Feral frowned as they walked down the dark stairs to the outside, passing a trader. Once they were out in the sunlight, he all but dragged Adam off to the side, almost knocking over a woman in a red trench coat as she scurried into the newly opened gate.

‘The fuck is your problem,’ he said flatly, once they were roughly out of earshot of the nearest guard. One of the moments where he had to be more aggressive, he judged; besides, it was getting on his nerves, the way Adam was avoiding his gaze and shuffling. ‘I asked you a question. What. The fuck. Is your problem.’

’I can think of a lot off the top of my head, starting with –’ Adam started, then gave a muffled yelp when Feral lost his patience and shoved him into the wall, hand over his mouth.

‘Shut up,’ Feral snapped. ‘Your mouth ain’t as cute as you think it is, and you’re running my patience to the ground. Do you remember what happens if you _ break _ our deal?’

Adam’s eyes were wide, frightened; good.

‘Nod for yes, shake for no.’

Adam nodded.

‘There you go. Now. I said it yesterday: I happen to find your bullshit amusing on occasion, for which you should consider yourself goddamn lucky. But let me be clear.’

He pressed harder, and Adam gave a small, muffled gasp of pain. ‘You're still gonna do what I say, when I say it. You're still gonna belong to me until we get to Megaton. So when I ask you a question like this, you're gonna answer, and you’re gonna answer with the truth. Am I understood? Nod or shake.’

Adam nodded again.

‘Good. Stick to the deal, good things are gonna happen to you. Break the de–’

‘Everything alright over here?’ he heard, and when he turned, letting Adam go, he found a member of DC Security watching them, rifle in his hands and frown heavy. ‘You okay there? Skinny one.’

First test, then. If Adam wanted to get away, he had a good chance here. He could escape, DC would probably expel Feral, and Adam could hide in the city until Feral gave up. If DC Security didn’t just kill him, should Adam mention what was happening.

But he’d never get to Megaton on his own, and caravans were much more dangerous to travel with, since they were a bigger target. Then, of course, there were the perks of staying with Feral, harsh though the costs might be. Obedience for safety; submission for pleasure; equipment for company. Feral wasn’t concerned for himself, really. He was mostly curious about what Adam would choose.

Adam glanced at him, then to the security officer. Back to Feral. Back to the officer. A subtle war was playing on his face. It was lovely to witness.

‘I’m fine, sir,’ Adam said at last, and Feral kept his expression still, even though a smirk of satisfaction wanted to unfurl over his mouth. He would have rarely shown it elsewhere. He didn’t see a real reason to do it here. ‘Just a disagreement.’

The officer frowned. ‘You sure? Looked like a hell of a disagreement. Shouldn’t let him put his hands on you.’

Adam shrugged. ‘Maybe. I was an ass, though. Wasn’t listening. Sometimes I’ve got to be shut up.’

He was a good liar in this situation, but a bad liar with Feral. Interesting.

‘Still don’t make it right.’

‘I’ll take it under advisement,’ Adam said coolly. Feral concealed his surprise as Adam stepped nearer and hooked their arms together. A good actor, as well. ‘If you’ll excuse us, sir. We clearly need to have our discussion in private.’

The officer held up his hands. ‘Alright, buddy, your funeral,’ he said, and walked away.

As soon as he was out of sight Adam immediately pulled away, putting distance between himself and Feral, and looked angry with himself.

‘Good,’ Feral said quietly, which only made Adam look more upset. He seemed to move back and forth with how close he was to breaking. Feral would have to be careful; it was for the best, then, that Feral had anticipated (and thrilled in) the challenge. ‘You did good.’

‘Did I?’ Adam asked bitterly.

‘Yes, if you ever want to see Megaton again. Come on, we’ll go a little farther. Then you’re gonna answer my question, and if you answer it fully, I’ m gonna forgive you for what you did a few minutes ago. Then you can have your present.’

Again, Adam looked disquieted at that, but let Feral lead him down a street to the west. Once Feral found an alcove that looked particularly safe (or as safe as anything ever got), he pulled Adam aside, taking care to be less rough. No use hurting one of his things – well. Not like this. Not when it was unnecessary.

‘Now,’ Feral said quietly, calmly, ‘what the fuck is your problem when I say ‘present’? Last I checked, presents were a good thing.’

Adam looked at the ground. ‘Listen,’ he said slowly, ‘You just… spent a fuckload of caps on shit for me. At least what feels like a fuckload – maybe it was cheap as a Tenpenny girl for you, I don’t know. And now you’re trying to give me something else. You’re already _ enslaving _ me for the next few weeks. The last thing I need is to owe you anything.’

Feral tilted his head. ‘You’re being a fucking moron,’ he said at last. ‘You know that, right?’

Adam grit his teeth, but didn’t look up or respond.

‘You’re useful,’ Feral said bluntly. ‘You seem to have half a clue how to use a gun. You know how to lie, how to act. You’re gonna do whatever I tell you to do. I’m gonna fuck you whenever I like. All of those are worth a lot more caps than anything I spend on you. Sure, I’m fucked up. But I don’t lie, I don’t break my promises, and I don’t put up with neither of those things from nobody else. I told you that if you wanna go at the end of this, you’re gonna go free. You won’t owe me no caps. You won’t owe me your continued service.’

He let his grin spread over his face, cocky, confident. Here, it was useful. ‘You won’t wanna go, of course,’ he said. ‘But don’t worry about caps.’

‘Look, it’s not like I’m – I’m a gun, or something, okay? I’m going to – you know. Cost you over time. It’s going to feel like a debt no matter what. Which is fucked up, considering, but what’s another fucked up thing on the pile, right?’

Feral rolled his eyes. He grabbed Adam’s chin and jerked his head up, forcing him to look Feral in the eye. ‘You,’ he said clearly, ‘are mine. You belong to me as long as this deal lasts. It ain’t no debt to invest money that is mine in a possession of mine. Understand?’

Adam winced again. ‘Yeah, I understood.’

‘Now you’re doing it about the word possession. Why. You should know what to expect, now.’

Adam watched him warily, but replied, ‘No sarcasm, I swear, but most people don’t like being referred to as an object. That’s it. And there’s, uh. Not anything I can do about it. Or any good alternatives. So I’m just going to have to get used to it. Like you said. I should expect it.’

Feral thought about it for a moment. ‘Here. You get one chance to choose,’ he said flatly. ‘You can be a possession, or you can be a pet.’

Adam flinched. ‘Oh, god, tell me you’re not going to do some fucking – bestiality roleplay, what the fuck – _ ow!’ _

Feral had released his chin, then punched him square in the arm. ‘No,’ he said flatly as Adam cursed under his breath; it hadn’t actually been a hard punch, even by normal standards. Downright gentle from Feral. ‘If I was one of those kinds of people, I’d be doing that. I ain’t. You can choose whether you’re an object, or you ain’t. That’s it.’

Adam scowled. ‘…pet,’ he said, and immediately looked a little ill.

‘Pet it is,’ Feral said. ‘If it makes you feel better, people are gonna assume it’s a nickname.’

To his surprise, a brief flash of amusement crossed Adam’s face.

‘What?’

Adam tried to hold onto a straight face, but his voice cracked a little as he said, ‘They might even call it a pet name.’

Feral rolled his eyes and shoved Adam away, who still snickered a little before remembering himself. He just proved he had resilience and enough of a spine to be worthwhile. Feral could let the stupid pun slide. ‘Alright. Good, you answered. You can have your gift.’

Adam looked reluctantly curious as Feral dug through his pack, then paused, wide-eyed, when Feral finally fished it out.

‘Um,’ he said in a high voice, ‘that’s – not for me, is it?’

Feral raised an eyebrow, holding out the pristine Pipboy. ‘Don’t fit me,’ he said. ‘Better if you wear it. Besides, we’re gonna need it.’

Adam looked at it for a second, then up at Feral again. ‘You know, this doesn’t help my ‘feel indebted’ problem. That’s worth my _ weight _ in caps.’

‘Not much, then, you’re just about two missed meals away from skin and bones,’ Feral said dismissively. ‘Take it.’

‘It’s not like the Raiders saw much point in feeding me regular meals,’ Adam pointed out, gingerly taking the Pipboy from Feral. Feral concealed how much that sentence irked him. ‘God, where did you even get this? It looks brand new.’

‘It’s mine.’

Adam, who was in the process of buckling it onto his left arm, paused. ‘…You’re a Vault dweller?’

‘Yes and no. Put the damn thing on and stop bitching, won’t you? It’s got a map on it, it’s how we’re gonna be making sure we ain’t lost.’

Adam nodded, turned it on, then fiddled with it for a minute or two. Feral waited as patiently as he could; he was no good with the damn thing, and Adam looked like he was figuring it out.

Soon, Adam looked up and nodded at Feral. ‘Got it,’ he said. ‘OS is kind of old, but not every Vault is 101, you know? And those are the ones I've messed with before, whenever Moira needed spare hands. So, map route?’

…He might have been mouthy and unpredictable in Feral’s estimates of when he would break – hell, estimates of what the hell he was feeling from minute to minute – but Feral was getting the feeling that Adam was much, _ much _ more valuable than initially thought.

‘Yeah. Come here, pet.’

Adam winced, but did so. Feral ignored it – Adam would get used to it.

‘Starting here,’ he said, ‘We’re gonna follow Rte. 20…’


	3. three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags:
> 
> Anal, coercion, past assault mention

They’d made good time, in Feral’s opinion. Three quarters of the way to the I-95 overpass, before darkness was enough of a hindrance that Feral called it a night. It was slower than he would have gone on his own, but he meant it when he said he took care of his things; he could see Adam wasn’t as accustomed to travel as he was. That didn’t mean Adam didn’t look ragged by the end of it.

To his credit (and Feral’s relief) Adam wasn’t a whiner. To his discredit (and Feral’s annoyance), he was instead insistent that he was perfectly fine.

He’d started to protest the stop, then clearly remembered the situation he was in and closed his mouth. Feral approved. He did _ not _ approve, however, of Adam’s obstinacy.

‘Hey,’ he said, sitting in an abandoned chair in this abandoned house that was probably older than him, and Adam looked over at him from his bedroll. ‘Come here, pet.’

Adam winced, but got up. ‘Do what you want,’ he said resignedly, ‘but I’m not going to be able to do much.’

He walked over to Feral, then squeaked in surprise as Feral roughly turned him before pulling him down to sit on his lap. He parted Adam’s thighs over his own, just to hear his breath hitch.

Feral pulled him back until he was actually resting against his chest, taller like this but surprisingly placid under Feral’s hands. That lasted until Feral started to knead at the knots in Adam’s thighs, pressing along the lean (too lean) muscles. Adam almost jumped out of his lap in surprise. ‘Um. What are you doing?’

‘You’re an idiot who ain’t taking care of himself,’ Feral replied sharply. ‘Since you ain’t bothering to do nothing yourself, and I ain’t willing to wait for your slow ass if I ain’t gotta, then I gotta do it, pet. Hold still.’

Adam would have responded, but Feral was pretty sure that wasn’t going to happen when he kept squirming into and away from Feral’s hands. All the wriggling in his lap was having the expected effect, but he’d ignore it for now.

Slowly, Adam stopped moving, letting Feral do what he wanted. ‘That… actually feels nice,’ he said, sounding surprised; Feral was pretty sure he hadn’t meant to say it at all. ‘Like my legs never hurt in the first place. What the fuck.’

Deciding this would be a situation better suited towards human decency than assertion, Feral kissed Adam’s throat, who flinched. He then spread Adam’s legs wider, hand sweeping up his thigh to cup and fondle his dick. Adam jerked into it, startled, then moaned helplessly.

‘Feral –’ he gasped at a particularly generous squeeze. Feral looked forward to hearing his name in Adam’s mouth more often. ‘I – I don’t know if I can –’

‘Whenever I want,’ Feral reminded him, and after a second, Adam nodded. ‘Stay still on my lap. Don’t move.’

Adam held still, seated with his legs wide like a hooker showing off her goods, while Feral fished a small bottle out of his bag. ‘Stand up and take off your pants,’ Feral instructed. ‘Unbutton your shirt but don’t take it off.’ There was no real reason behind that one; Feral just liked the look of a man in an open shirt.

Adam listened, but he looked confused. ‘What are you doing?’

Feral pressed a bottle into Adam’s hand, the liquid inside tinted faintly blue and moving slowly, as if viscous. Which it was. ‘Pull your bedroll over to me, lay it out in front of me – not like that. The other way, lengthwise. Then sit on it and face me.’

After a moment Adam had done all of that, looking up at Feral with both wariness and an undeniable curiosity.

‘Good, pet,’ Feral said, and Adam flushed a deep red in shame. ‘Very good. Spread your legs.’ 

Arthur did so, redder still. His cock, much to Feral’s satisfaction, was already half-hard. ‘Look at you,’ Feral murmured. ‘You look like the prettiest slut in the Commonwealth. Half the damn wasteland would want a shot at you if they could see this.’

Feral leaned forward in his chair, and Adam closed his eyes, turning his head away. Feral grinned. Easier prey by the second. ‘They won’t get that shot,’ he continued. ‘Nobody gets a shot at you ever again. You are _ mine__,_ pet. And anybody who touches you without my permission dies. Do you understand that?’

Adam shuddered; it wasn’t necessarily a bad way, as his cock was still getting harder all the time. ‘Yeah, I – I understand that.’

‘You want it, don’t you, pet? Said it yourself. I’m gonna keep you safe. I’m gonna make you feel good. You wanna be here. You wanna belong to me.’

Adam was mutinously silent now, which pleased Feral, too; just about everything about Adam was proving to be enjoyable. ‘Now. Lay back and put a little of the lube in that bottle on your fingers – you don’t need much of it to do the job, there’s a reason that kind costs so many damn caps.’ He waited until Adam was finished with that before murmuring, ‘Now touch your asshole, pet.’

‘Wait, what?’ Adam said, startled and flushing. ‘But –’

‘Tonight you’re learning how to stretch yourself before getting fucked,’ Feral cut off. ‘You’ll be riding my cock after this, so you better make sure you get it right. Shut up and touch your asshole.’

Adam, red-faced, spread his legs wider to get a better angle and then did as Feral told him, one hand under his leg to hold his cheeks open and the other between his thighs. His motions were awkward and fumbling, but Feral knew they wouldn’t stay that way. ‘There you go, pet. Rub around there for a second, spread it around. Get used to it.’ Feral smiled as he watched Adam’s cock twitch at the motions. ‘Now, one finger, not the tip but the pad. Go slowly.’

Adam did so, wincing, and after a second his face fell into lines of grim resignation. It likely didn’t feel particularly good, but that was because he didn’t know what he was looking for, yet. Or at least _ where _ to look for it.

‘Now. Start to feel around, gently. Up, about two or so inches in. Go on.’ Adam looked uncomfortable, still resigned, as he did what he was told; Feral waited patiently. It would be worth his patience.

Then Adam hit his prostate. His eyes went wide, hips shoving down on the touch without conscious input, and he moaned shakily for a brief second before cutting it off.

‘Okay, I get your point,’ he panted, and did it again, jerking with the sensation. ‘Good to know where that is, at least.’

‘Exactly,’ Feral said approvingly. Adam looked away, flushing again. ‘You’re doing just fine, pet. Right there. Keep going.’

Adam was less awkward now, closing his eyes so he didn’t have to look at Feral as he did this; Feral wasn’t exactly looking at Adam’s face at the moment, so he didn’t care. Adam’s hips moved with his finger, his breathing alternating between silent gasps for air and no breath at all. Before Feral could tell him to do so, he slid his finger free, spent a bare second to make sure his second was lubed, then plunged both fingers back inside himself, panting. He’d clearly gotten the idea of this, so Feral felt well within his rights to lean back and watch.

He unzipped his pants, pulling his own hard cock out and lightly stroking. It felt good, and it was nice to watch Adam fuck himself with his fingers, but it would feel better with Adam on his cock. That was enough to stop Feral from just jacking off right now.

Adam moved to three fingers of his own volition, crying out softly as he did so; he was pretty aggressively fucking himself at the moment, so Feral had clearly done his job in showing Adam how to do it.

‘Stop,’ he said, and Adam ignored him. ‘I said, **stop.’**

The threat beneath his rumbling command clearly registered, because Adam did, withdrawing his fingers from inside himself with a soft sound of loss.

Feral stood up, discarding his pants, and sat down again. ‘Give me the lube.’

Adam almost fumbled the bottle from his slippery fingers, but he managed to do it, and looked away again as Feral slicked up his own cock with a soft groan. He lay on his bedroll, propped up on his elbows, and his face was pink.

‘Come up here,’ Feral said, and Adam clumsily got to his feet; his cock was so hard it looked like it hurt. ‘Turn around.’

When Adam did, Feral yanked him back, making him land with a wet slap on his thighs. Adam gasped in surprise; it changed to half a choked off moan when he appeared to realise that Feral’s cock was pressed snugly against the cleft of his ass. Feral again parted Adam’s legs around him, Adam giving a breathy cry with Feral took hold of his cock and stroked a few times.

‘Up,’ he commanded, and without resistance Adam lifted himself; he moaned in a tiny way when Feral parted his cheeks and set his cock against Adam’s stretched hole. ‘Good, pet. Very good. Tell me you want it.’

‘I don’t not want it,’ Adam said, testing the limits; Feral let it slide.

‘Tell me how bad you want it.’

‘I…’

‘Tell me what you want.’

‘I – oh, hell,’ Adam whispered as one of Feral’s hands dropped so he could rub his thumb behind Adam’s balls. ‘I – fine, fuck it, yes, I want it, fuck me –’

‘Beautiful,’ Feral murmured, not entirely aware he’d said it, and placed one hand on Adam’s hip. ‘Go ahead. Take my cock, pet. Do it.’

Adam hesitated a second, but then pushed down. Feral steadied his dick with one hand until the head pushed inside Adam’s hole, at which point he took Adam’s other hip to guide him down. He needn’t have bothered; Adam took a deep breath then dropped, taking Feral all in one go. Feral expected a cry of pain from a move that stupid – instead, Adam’s cry was all pleasure.

‘Fuck, Feral,’ he whispered, panting, hands bracing on Feral’s forearms. ‘Fuck, is this – is this really what it’s like for other people?’

‘When they bother to do it right,’ Feral replied, forcing himself to hold off on just slamming into Adam and fucking him until he screamed. God, his ass was good, though.

‘God,’ Adam breathed. ‘No fucking _ wonder _ everyone’s so crazy about this.’

Feral paused. ‘What, you ain’t never fucked normally before?’

Adam shook his head. ‘Never got around to it before the raiders and, uh. After them… not that this with you is fucking normally, either.’

Feral understood much more about why Adam was succumbing so quickly to the allure of touch – and why he’d not known what to expect _ any _ time Feral had touched him. ‘How long were you with the raiders?’

‘Three years. Four, maybe.’

…even by Feral’s standards of morality, that was brutal. Hm. Gentleness might have to play more of a role in this project than he’d thought, difficult as it would be for Feral to pull off. If he wanted Adam to break right, to guarantee Adam would ultimately choose to be his possession – his pet – Feral was going to have to bother pulling on some of the skills he’d he'd in his old life. Thankfully, seduction wasn’t attachment, or he wouldn't be able to pull it off; Feral didn’t remember the last time he’d been emotionally attached in _ any _ sense whatsoever to anyone save his sister, long dead, and he didn’t intend to start now. He was pretty sure he couldn’t at this point, come to think of it.

‘Then I’m gonna make you forget all about it for now,’ Feral said, holding Adam’s hips and lifting him up. Adam gasped at the slick slide, but it was a full-fledged moan that left him when Feral thrust up. This would be a difficult breaking in the long run, Adam mercurial and unpredictable, but tonight was an incredibly easy one.

Adam kept trying to move down despite Feral’s control, and eventually Feral let himself lounge back in the chair indulgently. Given more room now, Adam could have tried to get away. He emphatically did not. Armrests within reach, he gripped them and began to bounce on Feral’s cock, moaning as he drove Feral in and out of his body. He was as quick a learner here as he appeared to be everywhere else, and after a few seconds of widening his legs, leaning back a little himself, he lost all breath in his lungs. He began to fuck harder, clearly having found the best angle to hit his prostate.

It was _ spectacular__,_ frankly, the wet sound of Feral’s dick thrusting into him, his ass as tight and hot as Feral remembered. It felt like Adam’s body was desperately trying to hold Feral in, and when he looked, he could see the way the muscles of Adam’s asshole were cinched tight around him, dragging with each upward movement. It had been a while since Feral had seen an ass grip his cock like that. He moaned, surprising himself, but Adam arched at that, slamming down.

‘Feral,’ he whispered, ‘Feral – fuck, Feral –’

Feral sat up again, startling Adam, and wrapped his arms around his waist. ‘Keep going,’ he said softly, and Adam nodded – it wasn’t like he’d stopped. He nearly broke Feral’s nose when Feral wrapped his slightly slick hand around his cock, but now Adam’s head was tossed back, pressed to Feral’s shoulder as he fucked between Feral’s hand and his dick.

‘I’m – oh god,’ Adam panted, and he was tightening around Feral now, his movements erratic. ‘I’m – _ oh god –’ _

‘Come for me, pet,’ Feral coaxed. ‘Come on my cock. Come for me.’

**‘Fuck,’** Adam gasped, and slammed his hips down, rocking frantically back and forth as his cock began to spurt cum over Feral’s fist. Feral hadn’t expected the move – had expected Adam to arch instead of grind – and was caught off guard. Adam cried out again, somewhere between pain and pleasure, as Feral thoughtlessly turned his head and sank his teeth into the muscle between Adam’s shoulder and throat, thrusting up and coming as hard as if he’d not fucked anyone in a month instead of the last few days.

The two of them sat panting, Adam’s chest heaving with his need for air.

‘God,’ Adam breathed at last. ‘You might be a possessive asshole, but god_damn _ can you fuck.’

Feral was fairly certain that was something he should be disciplining Adam for, but he felt too good and it was too funny, so all he did was let go of Adam with his teeth and laugh into the bruise he’d left behind.


	4. four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags:
> 
> Past assault mention, slurs, abuse mention, suicide mention
> 
> ...man it's only when you start tagging things that you see how much is there, huh

‘Uh,’ said Adam, and Feral turned to look at him; his expression was apprehensive as he met Feral’s eyes. ‘Far be it from me to judge your sense of direction –’

Feral thought that Adam not judging something would be a first (even if his judgements were so far justified, at least in Feral’s case). He kept the thought off his face, anyway.

‘– but we’re about to walk right into Gunner territory. I know you’re big and bad, but some of us have enough holes in us already.’

Feral rolled his eyes. ‘And?’

‘…and we’ll get more?’

‘We ain’t gonna get shot, pet.’

‘Maybe not you, tough guy, but I will.’

Feral stopped walking, and Adam nearly walked into him. He turned around, and Adam flinched at the expression on his face.

‘Nobody,’ he said in a slow, dangerous tone, ‘is gonna shoot you. Nobody is gonna hurt you. Not raiders. Not Gunners. Nobody.’

Adam watched him warily. ‘I’m – I’m not questioning that you want that,’ he said, very clearly picking his words carefully (another first). ‘I’m just saying your willpower isn’t going to stop a bullet.’

‘No, it ain’t,’ Feral said. ‘That’s what having friends is for. Well. Friends is a very strong word.’

‘…wait, are you a Gunner?’ 

Feral scoffed. ‘Do I look like a lightweight? No, I shot one of their commanders in the head when he took a potshot at me, and solved a power struggle by accident. Current head of the Gunners gives me free passage because he’s shit scared I’m gonna call in that favour someday.’

Adam looked away from him, and Feral sighed in exasperation. ‘Well, what the fuck is your problem now? You know you ain’t gonna get shot.’

‘I’m trying to not get killed for laughing at you,’ Adam said, voice strained with strangled mirth.

‘Excuse me?’

‘It’s not at you, it’s –’ he tried to explain, but broke down into snickers first. Feral wouldn’t have killed him, anyway, but it was in his favour not to mention that, so he didn’t.

Feral never lied. He just sometimes didn’t tell the truth.

‘Okay – okay, sorry, I’m – I’m okay,’ Adam said, getting himself under control at last. ‘It’s just – of fucking course it happened that way. Winning over the Gunners would be a big deal for basically everyone else, and here _you_ are, just ‘Yeah I murdered a guy but it turned out alright, the biggest mercenary group in the Commonwealth is kissing my ass, nbd’. Of course that’s how it happened for you.’

‘N-b-d?’ Feral repeated, confused.

‘No big deal. Megaton slang, sorry. Raiders never managed to beat it out of my system, though Moira’s going to be pissed that I swear so much, now.’

There was a whole lot to unpack in those three sentences, so Feral chose to throw out the whole suitcase and ignore it. ‘The Gunners ain’t gonna touch you or me, as long as you stick close,’ he said. ‘Don’t talk to nobody unless there ain’t no other possible choice. Don’t wander off. Stay calm, and don’t make those faces you think I ain’t noticed. You could piss off the wrong person, and I ain't in the mood to kill an entire Gunner encampment today.’

Adam looked sheepish, but nodded.

‘I’m serious, pet. Not listening can get you killed. And if things go wrong because you do something stupid, I’m leaving you there for them to play with. And they might not be as bad as the raiders you were with, but they ain’t gentle neither.’

Adam’s tan skin went grey, and he nodded. ‘You got it,’ he said. ‘I, um. I’d like to avoid that as much as possible. Yeah.’

‘Can’t blame you. Now come on, we’re wasting time.’

Adam followed him quietly, his mirth washed away by nerves. Feral didn’t mind; it meant Adam would listen instead of trying to be clever. The two of them walked for another two miles before they came upon one of the lifts up to the Gunners’ interchange fortress.

‘Stop!’ called one who looked like he had a pound of muscle for every single brain cell he possessed. ‘Identify yourself, or you have ten seconds to turn around before you’re full of lead!’

Adam stepped back, but Feral only raised an eyebrow. ‘Feral McIntyre,’ he called back, voice flat. ‘Y’all got ten seconds to point that gun somewhere else before I shove it so far up your ass you can taste it.’

The man hastily lowered his gun at that. ‘Shit, sorry, Sir,’ he said, words tripping over themselves. ‘You normally travel alone.’

‘Not an excuse,’ Feral replied, purely to watch the man flinch. ‘Y’all’re lucky I’m in a good mood. Get outta my way.’

To his surprise, the man shook his head. ‘Sorry, Sir, but Winlock and Barnes want a word. Told us to bring you up if you passed by.’

Feral sighed; he could refuse, but he _did_ intend on returning to the Commonwealth eventually, and there was no point to antagonising them when he could simply go up and tell them to fuck off. He followed the Gunner up to the lift, glancing back at Adam.

_Remember, _he mouthed, and Adam nodded, still nervous but gaining a glint of determination.

The Gunner waited until the two of them had joined him on the lift, and nervously stood there as the lift shuddered to life; on Feral’s other side, Adam’s hand shot out, grabbing Feral’s arm. Almost instantly he let go, flushing and edging away in shame, making Feral roll his eyes. Like he wouldn’t catch Adam before he fell.

The interchange base was as filthy as Feral remembered, lit by barrel fires and filled with milling Gunners. A glance around showed two new additions, neither of which Feral liked: a suit of power armour stood off to the side, and walking around at one end of the base was an honest to god Assaultron. That… was less than ideal.

He took off without waiting for the Gunner, knowing where he was going, and Adam scrambled after him. He didn’t wait for Adam, knowing he’d keep up, and strode straight into a wooden shack not far from the Assaultron. Inside, two men – one white, one black – looked up.

‘Feral, my man,’ said the white one, standing up. ‘Good to –’

‘Y’all wanna tell me why I got stopped to come see you, Winlock? Quickly.’

Winlock bristled, but Barnes – he’d always been the smart one – touched Winlock’s arm. Winlock took a breath, and calmed himself.

‘Yeah, man,’ Barnes said, taking over with a smile bright in his dark face. ‘We wanted to ask you to do a job – pays well, won’t take you more than a few days.’

‘No.’

Barnes blinked. ‘What?’

‘No. First off, I don’t appreciate being pulled aside when y’all coulda sent somebody to talk to me like normal human beings,’ Feral replied. ‘And second, I’m leaving for at least the next two months.’

Winlock and Barnes exchanged glances. ‘Seriously,’ Barnes said, ‘we need you, and it’s just a few days for a mountain of caps. The job itself is pretty easy, too.’

‘I doubt it. No.’

‘Feral, my man, you’re the only one who can do it,’ Winlock wheedled, which was just embarrassing for a ranking member of the Gunners. ‘Seriously. A few days up, a few days back down. You won’t spend more than three hours in the Vault, swear –’

Feral stiffened.

**‘Absofuckinglutely not,’** he rumbled, making Winlock, Barnes, and Adam behind him nearly jump out of their skins. ‘There ain’t no fucking amount of caps that’s getting me back into that Vault. No price, no promise, no threat, no torture, _nothing._ I will kill everybody in this base one by one if y’all try to make me. And you two are gonna be first.’

Winlock glared at him. ‘There’s too many of us, Feral,’ he said, confirming Feral’s suspicions. Behind him, Adam’s breath caught. Fear. Goddamn it, he needed to be afraid after; they needed to act now. That was how Feral was alive. And Adam was going to have to learn.

‘Maybe. But you two are right here. And y’all’re gonna die first.’

‘There’s two of us –’

‘And there’s two of us,’ Feral replied. ‘And I’m willing to bet my life that we’re faster draws than you. Do y’all want to bet yours?’

Winlock’s jaw was clenched, but it was Barnes who spoke. ‘Go,’ he said. ‘Get out of here. You can pass freely. But if you come back this way, I don’t care about the Captain’s opinion, we’re gunning you down.’

‘Not if I get y’all first,’ Feral replied, teeth bared, then tossed his head at Adam. ‘Come on.’

Adam went to follow him, silent, and Winlock sniped, ‘What, not going to say anything? Who the fuck even are you? Feral doesn’t go anywhere with people, much less a twinky little piece of ass like you.’

Feral turned in time to see Adam scowl and open his mouth –

‘Pet,’ Feral said, and Adam looked at him, anger and shame painting his face red. Winlock was looking between the two of them, calculating.

‘Emphasis on piece of ass, then,’ Winlock said despite Barnes’ attempts to shut him up. ‘Didn’t think Feral swung that way. Never came across as a fagg-’

He was cut off by his own cry of pain, head whipping painfully as Feral’s fist connected with his cheekbone; he didn’t have a chance to recover, or Barnes to intervene, before Feral grabbed him by his breastplate and hauled him up.

‘Let me be crystal fucking clear, Winlock,’ he said coldly. ‘I don’t care what you think of me in the privacy of your own ugly head. But I’m gonna be a faggot if I wanna be, and the next fucking time I hear you say one word about it, I’m gonna snap your neck. I ain’t let nobody else give me shit about it, and I ain’t taking it from you.’

‘Jesus fucking Christ, alright!’ Winlock exclaimed, and cried out again as Feral tossed him back. Feral then looked at Barnes.

‘I’m leaving. And y’all better hope I ain’t never lay eyes on neither of you again, or y’all’re gonna wish you’d pissed off something kinder. Like a Deathclaw.’

Then, just to rub it in Winlock’s face, he held his hand out to Adam. ‘Pet,’ he said.

Adam took a breath, looking even more ashamed, _humiliated,_ but nodded and took his hand. His fingers were bony between Feral’s, and his palm cold with fear.

Feral stalked over to the lift, Adam in tow, and punched the button to head down before any Gunner could get on the lift with them. As it began to descend, Adam flinched, his hand tightening in Feral’s – before immediately loosening as he tried to take his hand back, to look unafraid.

‘Did I tell you to let go, pet?’ Feral said, and Adam blinked at him; the wind chose then to shake the lift, and Adam flinched again. He stepped into Feral, looking for something stable, and Feral set his shoulder to Adam’s, bracing him until the lift hit the ground. He let go of Adam’s hand then, and began to walk back down to the road without waiting for him. He’d catch up if he had to.

It took a few seconds, Feral refusing to look back and check, but then Adam’s footsteps caught up, breath shaky.

‘You gonna live?’ Feral asked, voice hard; too much gentleness and Adam would start to think he had freedoms he emphatically did not have. Feral had to rein it in, which was curious. He’d thought he’d have to force it.

‘Yeah,’ Adam said, and his voice was shaking as much as his breath.

‘There a reason you sound like you’re having a panic attack?’

‘I’m not having a panic attack. I’m having a full breakdown, thank you very much,’ Adam quipped, but it didn’t land, since his voice betrayed how serious he was.

Feral didn’t look back. ‘Push it down, pet. You can have your breakdown later. Wait until we’re safe for the night.’

‘…I thought you were being an ass about it for a second there, but you mean that literally. Don’t you?’

‘Yes. Wasteland don’t care if you’re having a breakdown on the road, and neither do I. Wait until we camp, and you’re either gonna be done with it by then, or you can do it without worrying a radscorpion’s about to eat you.’

‘Would you care then?’

‘Don’t push your luck, pet,’ Feral said flatly. ‘You know the answer to that question. And it’s no.’

Adam was silent until they did camp, and after they set up in yet another mostly-destroyed house, he sat on his bedroll and curled up, knees to his chest and chin on his arms, staring listlessly at the small lantern that was their current source of light. Feral didn’t talk to him other than to hand him his share of dinner. Adam would either talk of his own volition, which would give Feral more information on the progress of this project, or he wouldn’t talk, and Feral would have a night of quiet peace.

‘I just… keep playing it over in my head,’ he said at last; had Feral been anyone else, it might have startled him. ‘Isn’t that fucking stupid? After everything I’ve heard – hell, everything _you__’ve _said to me – and it’s still this that’s sticking.’

Feral waited; he had a feeling Adam didn’t expect him to say anything. He didn’t intend to, so that assumption was fine by him.

‘‘Twinky little piece of ass’,’ he added after a moment, and laughed blankly. ‘Hell. That’s – that’s one of the nicer ways people have put it. But that’s all I am anymore, isn’t it? To the raiders. To the Gunners. To you. ‘Pet’ – fucking… god.’

He dropped his head further, burying his face in his arms. ‘I’m not even a fucking person anymore,’ he whispered. ‘I’m just – an ass on two legs that happens to breathe and talk on command. What’s the point? What’s the fucking point?’

Feral watched him closely; he knew that tone of voice. If Adam moved to do something stupid, Feral might have to move quickly. He was already this close to breaking, and they hadn’t even left the Commonwealth yet.

That said, this was breaking in the wrong direction. He might stop being so mouthy, but he would break down into a silent doll, and that was no good, either.

‘Might as well have just spread my fucking legs for them, too,’ he whispered. ‘Or shot one, because then they’d shoot me, and at least I wouldn’t be less than nothing anymore. I’d be dead. At least that’s something.’

Feral hesitated. He needed to stop _this_ specific breaking, but that wasn’t a skill he’d acquired over the course of his life. He was used to breaking things himself, not trying to hold them together.

He sighed, and sat up in his bedroll. ‘Come here, pet.’

Adam laughed, even as he got to his feet. ‘You _would_ fucking hear all that and decide now’s a good time, wouldn’t you,’ he said bitterly, stepping over. ‘You’re the same damn –’

‘Bring your bedroll.’

That made Adam’s hesitate, but he did as he was told; he stood awkwardly as Feral unzipped it. He then unzipped his own, and Adam made a confused noise despite himself, followed by a resigned, tired sigh.

‘Okay, one of these,’ he said, sounding as tired as an old man at the end of his life, and Feral frowned, looking up. ‘Yeah, fine. Okay.’

Adam started to step away, and Feral snapped, ‘Did I tell you you could walk away?’

‘Anticipating an order,’ Adam said, and sat down where his bedroll had been. Curled up just as small; from a distance, if Feral hadn’t known he was an adult, he would have thought anything that small and bony had to be a child. ‘Sleep on the ground. Not the first time, clearly won’t be the last. Word of warning, though – it’s getting late in the year. Trust me, if you want me able to walk in the morning, I wouldn’t do this much longer. Hypothermia is shitty for balance.’

‘I didn’t tell you to sleep on the fucking ground,’ Feral said, annoyed. ‘Get over here.’

‘What, you going to fuck me first? I really pissed you off just now, huh?’

‘I didn’t say that, neither,’ Feral said, losing his patience. ‘Stand the fuck up, walk the fuck over here, and get in the fucking bedroll before I _do_ decide to make you sleep on the fucking ground.’

Adam lifted his head, watching Feral warily – like he was feral himself, judging whether a predator was going to eat him or spare him another day. He stood up again, though, and walked over gingerly before slipping into the bedroll like he’d been told. Feral waited until he was in, then got in beside him.

‘Turn over, back to me,’ he said, and Adam did so, too resigned to even ask why. He stiffened, though, as Feral pulled him over, fitting him in snugly, setting an arm over his waist.

‘I don’t do nice,’ he said bluntly into Adam’s hair. ‘I don’t know how, no more, and I don’t care to learn. I don’t do comfort, and I don’t do gentleness, and I don’t think I ever been attached to a single person who ain’t my sister. And she’s dead. A long time dead, now. So that’s it. Done.’

‘Then what are you doing now?’ Adam asked, sounding like he was afraid of the words he was speaking. Afraid of what Feral might do to him for saying it.

‘Attempting to be nice. Because whether you like it or you ain’t, you belong to me. You are a belonging. My pet.’

Adam flinched.

‘But I ain’t intending to have a doll for a companion, or a bland, loyal dog. If I wanted those, I could have them. Instead, I got a human being. That’s for a reason. If I wanted something else, then I could have just fucked you and left you ass-up for whoever came along. I didn’t.

‘I ain’t gonna say I’m doing nothing considered moral. I don’t care about moral; the world’s over, dead and gone. Morality is just a blanket humanity’s trying to hide beneath, like if they don’t see the monster in the closet then it ain’t there. So I own you. You belong to me. I still intend for you to be a person. There ain’t no point to owning you, otherwise. And if you don’t wanna be owned, then suck it up and suffer it until we get to Megaton, and choose to stay. That’s gonna be something you choose then, and I ain’t affected one way or another. Until then, you’re mine, and ain’t nothing gonna hurt you. Not raiders. Not Gunners. And not yourself, neither.’

Adam was quiet. ‘Can I turn over?’

‘Why.’

‘I want to pretend for a minute or two that you give a shit about me,’ he said honestly. ‘Because I feel like I’m about to fucking die from how awful I feel and I want to pretend for a little while that someone cares about me personally. Not as a slave. Just me.’

Feral considered this, then shrugged; it didn’t do any harm to him. ‘Sure. Roll over and pretend.’

Slowly, Adam did; he hid his face in Feral’s neck, tangled their legs together, and ultimately fell asleep that way. Feral put up with it patiently, and then – once he was certain Adam was fast asleep – he untangled Adam from his body and rolled him over again.

Adam went without fuss, proceeding to curl up as he slept on; Feral hadn’t bothered to look at him while sleeping, but Adam was scrunched up the same way he’d sat on the ground, and looked very much like he was holding himself. Keeping himself together.

Feral huffed, then pulled Adam back over, coaxing him into a looser position by curving his body around Adam’s.

Disconcertingly, Feral realised this was probably spooning, but at that point he himself was too tired. He drifted off, Adam secure under Feral’s arm around his waist.


	5. five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags:
> 
> Anal, manhandling, bottoming from the top, a surprising lack of other concerning tags

They didn’t talk about it the next day, as well they shouldn’t; hopefully it wasn’t required again. Feral had slept past sunrise, which annoyed him greatly. On the other hand, Adam looked less like he was falling apart, now. He even cracked a joke or two, which while irritating – mostly because they were amusing – Feral could admit it was a good sign. The work of travel was boring as ever, but other than a few exchanges Adam was thankfully quiet.

Two days after they'd left the Gunners behind and they'd slept together without _sleeping_ together, they happened upon a small cluster of houses with two families occupying it. Though the settlers were wary, there was an unoccupied house near the road and away from the others that they didn’t mind Feral and Adam borrowing for the night. It was nice to be beneath a roof that also had all four walls, for a change, and there was an old stove Feral was happy to abuse to make sure their water supplies were safe.

Adam took the chance to clean and care for their weapons, starting with his own then reaching for Feral’s without asking. Feral would have reprimanded him if it hadn’t been what Feral would have told him to do, and if he hadn’t already seen Adam clean his own. His hands were quick: efficient and graceful breakdown, fast but thorough examination, neat reassembly.

They ate hot dinner for once, and Adam flopped back on his bedroll, sighing contentedly. The warm food had left Feral in a good mood, and considering the skill with which his weapons had been cared for, he decided he felt generous enough to give Adam a reward.

He walked over to Adam, who only had time to blink before Feral dropped down, straddling him. ‘Feral?’ he said, voice high with surprise.

‘Pet,’ returned Feral calmly, and ground his hips down against Adam’s. Adam swore softly, jerking up against Feral, but then went still.

‘Um. Well. I guess you, um. You’re going to…?’

‘Tonight, I’m riding your cock,’ Feral said, because he felt in the mood for it and because Adam stopped breathing at the concept. ‘Make it good and you can come inside me.’

Adam moaned involuntarily, soft and under his breath, then went a violent red. ‘I… fuck, you mean that?’ he said. ‘You really want to –?’

‘I don’t think I stuttered,’ Feral replied.

‘Okay,’ said Adam, his voice airy. ‘You – okay. I’ve, um. I’ve never done this before. So.’

…ah. Feral was starting to wish he’d done more than slit the raiders’ throats in their sleep.

‘And?’ Feral said, eyebrow raising. ‘I don’t recall saying there was an experience requirement.’

‘I’m just saying, I might – you know. Suck at it.’

‘Then we do it until you get better. I happen to like a cock up my ass once in a while, so it’s a skill you’re gonna have to learn, pet.’

‘Well, at least it’s one I _want_ to learn, for once,’ Adam muttered under his breath, but nodded and continued, ‘Well. Just don’t expect much.’

‘I ain’t lowering my expectations because of your lack of experience,’ Feral replied. ‘You’re just gonna have to try harder.’

He bent and kissed Adam harshly, hands finding Adam’s wrists and pinning them to the bedroll. Adam sucked in a sharp breath, his hips lifting under Feral’s instinctively; Feral could feel he was already well on his way to getting hard. Good. Feral was halfway there, himself.

He rose a little, beginning to unbutton his shirt. ‘Get undressed,’ he said, and Adam scrambled to obey, which was gratifying to see. Feral got up, stepping out of his pants and discarding them carelessly beside his other things as he retrieved the bottle of lube.

Feral stalked back over, eyeing Adam as he did so; he was naked now, and his cock lay heavy and deep pink on his stomach as it grew harder and harder, beginning to lift. It wasn’t too long, Feral judged as he straddled Adam’s hips again, which was preferable; he’d never really understood the appeal of fucking something that went so deep it hurt. It wasn’t the thickest dick he’d had, either – though considering some of the dicks he’d taken when he was younger, that wasn’t a bad thing. It had been a long time, anyway, so Feral doubted his body would have a problem with Adam’s size in terms of how good it felt.

‘Can – am I doing that?’ Adam asked, catching himself a little too late, going red beneath Feral and looking away. 

‘No, you ain’t,’ Feral said, because Adam clearly wanted to and was wrestling with that. Saying no meant Adam had to face the disappointment, acknowledge it was there. ‘But you wanna watch, don’t you?’

He wasn’t sure how red a human being was meant to go, but he was pretty sure Adam was going to hit that point sooner rather than later. ‘I…’

Feral raised an eyebrow.

‘…yeah.’

Feral smiled in triumph, and Adam looked away again. ‘Then watch, pet.’

He rearranged the both of them so that Adam was sitting in a position to watch what was happening, he himself with spread legs and dripping the lube onto his fingers. With the ease of long familiarity with his own body, he slid a finger inside himself, and then made the decision to allow himself to act the way his body felt, instead of going for stoicism the way he usually did. Lure Adam in, then remind him who was in charge once Feral was on his cock.

So it was that he began to stretch himself, breath catching every time he brushed past his prostate; never fully, only enough to make his hips twitch. He tilted his head back some when he moved to two fingers, eyes closed, undulating his hips up into it, and grinned up at the ceiling at the tiny noise Adam made. He pushed his fingers deeper, began to spread them inside himself, and let go of his control over his breathing entirely. He was all but panting now, and as he worked his third finger inside, he let a soft growl leave his throat.

‘Oh, shit,’ he heard Adam breathe. Feral grinned triumphantly again, and dropped his head forward to look at Adam. Adam’s eyes were focussed on Feral’s ass and his fingers fucking it; Adam looked sort of like he wasn’t breathing. ‘Fuck.’

‘That’s the point, yes,’ Feral said dryly, and Adam coloured before looking away – but only for a second. Then his eyes were drawn back to Feral’s ass, and Feral could admit there was something of an ego boost to how hungry Adam looked.

Deeming himself ready, he slid his fingers out of himself with a sigh, making Adam jolt. ‘On your back, pet. Now.’

Adam stared for a second more before nodding slowly, shifting around as Feral moved to make room for him. Feral slung himself over Adam’s lap, then grabbed Adam’s wrists, pinning them with his hands to either side of his knees. ‘You’re gonna keep those there until I tell you otherwise,’ he commanded. ‘Understood?’

Adam nodded breathlessly, then whined high in the back of his throat as Feral picked up his painfully hard cock. He barely managed to strangle down his moan when Feral slicked him up with a few strokes, his hips snapping up into the touch. He didn’t even complain when Feral set his hand in the centre of his chest and pressed down hard enough that it likely ached.

Feral moved Adam’s cock to his stretched hole; he opened his mouth to demand Adam beg, but Adam beat him to it. ‘Fuck, please,’ he said, words cracked. ‘Please, I – fuck, I want it, please, I want it, just –’

He was learning. The satisfaction of it made Feral’s hips twitch. Adam was breaking to Feral’s touches. Soon, he’d be breaking emotionally, but that was for later. For now, Feral had a cock to ride.

He pushed down, his body offering little resistance. He felt the faint pressure pop of the head passing through the tight muscles of his asshole, then a smooth slide down, angling his hips for – ‘Ah, _fuck,' _Feral cursed as Adam’s cock glided firmly past his prostate. ‘Fuck, yes._’_

Feral knew he was a tad more verbal when he was taking a cock rather than when he was fucking an ass; normally it would have annoyed him more. In the moment, though, it made Adam’s fists spasm where he was clutching the fabric of his bedroll, made him struggle to keep his hips still.

Finally Feral was fully seated, Adam’s cock as deep as it could go. It was good – everyone before Feral had been a fucking idiot, because Adam felt like his dick had been built for fucking asses in general, and fit Feral so well that it might as well have been handmade for him to use. The precise depth, the precise width, curved just enough, _ just _ right so that his shaft was naturally resting against Feral’s prostate.

‘Choice cock to match your choice ass, pet,’ Feral commented, and Adam could only respond with an inarticulate _‘__nngh’ _ sound. ‘You can move your hands now.’

Instantly Adam’s hands shot to Feral’s hips, thin tan fingers digging into the pale freckled muscle. ‘Please,’ he said, shame present in his voice but overwhelmed by his desire. ‘Please, Feral, please –’

Feral lifted up onto his knees, leaning forward on his hand atop Adam’s chest as he spread his legs wider, then dropped down.

‘Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,’ Adam chanted, and while Feral had intended to make Adam hold his hips still, he saw no need to deprive himself – Adam’s thrust up dragged over a ridiculous number of good spots.

‘Goddamn, pet,’ Feral groaned, beginning to rise up and drop sharply, over and over, ‘your cock really is as good as your ass, you know that?’

Adam’s eyes were closed as he snapped his hips into each of Feral’s movements, uncontrolled and forceful. He was lucky Feral preferred a good hard fuck over any others. ‘Feral,’ he whispered, ‘Please, fuck, Feral –’

‘Tell me how it feels,’ Feral said, voice a little jagged whether he wanted it to be or not. ‘Tell me.’

‘So fucking good,’ Adam moaned, ‘so good, just – so good, Feral – _you_ feel good, fuck, hot, wet – fuck, **_tight,_** I went my whole fucking life without knowing how this feels and it’s so good –’

His babble grew more and more incoherent, but Feral had gotten what he wanted – Adam had even specified _him,_ meaning Feral didn’t have to demand it. Then he heard Adam whispering other things; he didn’t bother to repeat them in his head. The sorts of things lovers said, not what the two of them were.

He roughly grabbed Adam’s face and turned it to him, Adam’s eyes popping open in surprise when Feral dropped down and stopped moving.

‘Never,’ he said calmly, _'ever _say shit like that again. Don’t you forget what this is.’

Adam swallowed. ‘I didn’t mean it. I was – I didn’t mean to say it. I was just pretending you were – someone else. Someone who cares.’

He was telling the truth, at least; at least he still remembered what he was. Still.

‘Don’t,’ Feral snapped. ‘You think of me. You think only of me. You are mine, you belong to me, and you will focus on the fuck we are _ having__,_ not some fantasy in your head. Face reality, pet. Don’t pretend I’m somebody else; there ain’t nobody else.’

Adam closed his eyes. ‘I can’t even pretend?’

‘No. It ain’t nobody else in your head who’s making you feel like this, it’s me. The man who owns you. The man who controls you. Do you understand me?’

Adam nodded. ‘Just, um. I should… maybe point out that I’m having, um. A hard time having a ‘hard’ time without pretending.’

Feral squinted at him. ‘Excuse me?’

‘I just – I don’t know,’ Adam whispered. ‘I – if it’s not someone who cares about me, it’s kind of difficult to stay turned on.’

Feral scowled with suspicion. ‘Have you been doing this every time? Pretending I’m somebody else?’

Adam looked away, but nodded.

Feral made an annoyed noise. ‘Fine. Do it, I don’t actually care at long as your cock is hard,’ he said. ‘Next time I hear you say anything like that aloud, though, I’m covering your mouth so tight that ain’t nobody could hear your scream.’

Adam grit his teeth, a brief flash of something in his eyes, but nodded again. ‘Can you just get this over with, then,’ he asked, voice disinterested now, looking away listlessly. Feral _hated_ that.

He yanked Adam up and kissed him hard, tongue spilling into his mouth, coaxing him into kissing back slowly but surely. Finally, Adam was reduced to gasping for air, hips jerking near uselessly below, clutching at Feral’s back and tongue chasing Feral’s back into his own mouth. 

‘Feral –’ he gasped as Feral put his hand in the centre of Adam’s chest and shoved him down, beginning to ride him in earnest.

‘You’re lucky your cock is good enough to override your bullshit,’ Feral panted. ‘You get to come inside me. Make it happen.’

Adam moaned, objections all but lost, and he wrapped his arms around Feral’s waist, pulling him down with a surprisingly strong grip as he thrust up, inexpert but greatly enthusiastic. His gasp of _‘Feral!’_ made all of the bullshit worth it, because his hips snapped up and he hid his face in Feral’s chest as he began to come inside him.

It was hot and wet, liquid shooting deep into Feral’s body. Feral’s rumbling sigh left Adam whimpering into the hair of Feral’s chest, pumping more cum into Feral’s ass than he’d suspected; it was a very, _ very _ pleasant surprise.

‘Lay back,’ Feral commanded, and Adam did, panting for breath. ‘Jack me off, pet, until I come on you.’

To his surprise, Adam reached down to where he was still buried in Feral’s ass and swiped his fingers through some of the mess of sweat and lube. Once his hand was slick, he wrapped his hand around Feral’s dick, beginning to stroke.

‘I know what you’re doing,’ he panted. Feral started at the words, surprised, but he was a little distracted by how his hips were rocking into Adam’s slick, tight fist. ‘I’m not an idiot. I can see it, it just took me a little while, and you just proved it. You’re trying to confuse me, so you’re nice and then cruel and then back again. Distract me so that I just give up and do what you want.’

Feral stared down at Adam, hips still moving; he was thrown off for the first time in a very, very long time. He’d not been _ that _ unsubtle, had he?

Or maybe Adam was just that sharp, he started to realise.

‘So you know what? You want to play me? Toy with me?’ Adam’s grin was savage, and Feral didn’t quite know what to do with the fact that the fierce expression only made his dick harder. ‘Takes two to tango, asshole. You might be able to throw me around, fuck me whenever you want, tell me what to do. You can think that by the end of this, I’m going to be your docile _ pet__, _person or not.

‘But I’m going to break you first.’

Feral’s hips snapped forward at that, panting hard and fucking Adam’s fist like if he didn’t come the world would end all over again. He didn’t remember the last time he’d been this turned on. He wasn’t sure he’d _ ever _ been.

‘I’m going to make you like me. I’m going to make you _ love _ me. Then when we get to Megaton, I’m going to leave you, and I’m going to break your heart,’ Adam finished. ‘You’re going to break first, Feral. You can’t make me break. But I can’t wait to watch you try.’

The audacity of it – the anger and spite fuelling it – the bounce back from the nearly broken man from a few days before – was too much for Feral, more so than the hand around him. He came like it had been punched out of him, the most violent orgasm he’d ever had, ringing through his bones like he’d hit the ground and jarred every nerve to his name.

Adam grinned up at him in the aftermath, still all spite. ‘Go ahead, punish me however you like,’ he said, and there was a fire to him now that Feral was going to have to put out if he was going to have a chance at breaking Adam how he wanted him. ‘But I’m going to win, you fucker. And you can take my freedom, but you can’t take this away from me.’

Feral was furious with himself that his mind had allowed the phrase _‘__fuck, that’s hot’ _ to cross it at any point. ‘You really want this to be a contest, pet?’ he asked softly instead. ‘I got years and years of experience breaking stronger men than you.’ At least two years, anyway.

Not a single iota of Adam’s fire went out. ‘Strong men break. You’re a strong man. I’ll win, because of that. Me? I bend. Sometimes literally. But I don’t. Fucking. Break.’

…Feral had his work cut out for him. Thank god he loved a challenge.


	6. six.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags:
> 
> Dubcon, breathplay, handjob, (none of the last three are from who you think they are, probably), abuse mention, minor violence

Things were, predictably, a little awkward the next morning. After all, they’d both all but declared their intentions to destroy the other, but still actually had to travel together. The walk for most of the rest of the day was quiet, and uncomfortably so; Feral reminded himself that it just meant he could actually listen to the world around him for once.

The problem was, he reflected as he went, occasionally picking off the odd feral ghoul, that both of them had a foot in the door, so to speak. Adam was already learning to instinctively look to Feral for instruction or permission, and that was an important step to securing his loyalty, and ultimately his submission. Feral was pleased that it had only taken a few days; Adam could say what he liked, but he was looking for someone like Feral, in the end. Someone to be in charge, to tell him what to do, to keep him safe – even at the cost of his own freedom. He’d said as much.

Unfortunately for Adam’s scheme, Feral didn’t do romance. He thought he might have edged towards it once, but it hadn’t come to anything and the man had gone off, as all men did at that time. Wasn’t really safe for anything else. Didn’t help that Feral was – well. A dishonourable discharge for ‘sexual deviancy’ did tend to put people off, whether or not Feral was given the chance to explain that hitting on a willing man in a bar wasn’t ‘deviancy’; he ultimately decided it wasn’t worth it, and when he found himself here, he’d seen a world as hard as his soul was. Where eye for an eye was the rule of the day. With no one to care and no one to explain himself to, each attempt to rob or kill him made him angrier. Finally, he got even the best way he could think of, and made the raider beg for it, in the end. That was power. So he’d taken it and ran with it.

Feral didn’t do romance. He didn’t even bother with attraction these days. Not romance, not attraction, not friendship, not kindness. His world was dead. The man he’d been before could be dead with it.

Adam was, unfortunately, a bit of an anomaly. Feral certainly wasn’t attracted to him romantically, but he did enjoy sleeping with him. Quite a lot. Adam might be scrawny at the moment, but he had good bones, and his muscles told the story of the shape he might take once he wasn’t being starved and got regular sleep. For Feral, that was a problem, because that shape – lithe, short, graceful – had been a bit of a type for him, once upon a time. He’d liked twinks, so sue him.

Adam himself was tolerable – a better review than most ever got from Feral – and competent, even if he had an annoying habit of mouthing off. Frustratingly, that continued to be less annoying and more amusing. Feral didn’t like that at all. Mostly because he _could_ like it, if he continued to be exposed to it, and he hated the idea of conceding any ground to Adam.

‘…question,’ Adam said, and his voice was nervous. Not about Feral, though, Feral could tell that much, so he glanced at Adam. ‘I, um. Just realised. This route looks a lot like it goes straight to Nuka-World.’

Feral raised an eyebrow, but as Adam was looking at the map on the Pipboy, he couldn’t see it. ‘Yes. It does.’

‘What’s with you and going through deadly places just for the fun of it?’ Adam complained. ‘What, they’re your friends, too?’

‘I’m the former Overboss.’

‘…of fucking course you are,’ Adam sighed. ‘God. Escaped the raiders just to end up slave –’

‘Pet,’ Feral corrected, for reasons beyond him.

‘– to the king of the raiders, huh?’

Feral rolled his eyes. ‘I killed the last Overboss, is all. Then the Pack. Noisy fuckers, and at least the Disciples and the Operators understand the language of jingling caps. Ain’t want the job long term, though. Shoved it off onto somebody else.’

‘Of course you did. God.’ Adam scrubbed at his face tiredly. ‘This is my life. This is what my life has become.’

‘You gonna complain the whole way there, pet? Because I ain’t opposed to gagging you for some peace and fucking quiet.’

Adam raised an eyebrow.

Feral snarled at him, and he jumped as Feral stalked towards him. He tried to skitter back, but didn’t manage to move more than an inch before Feral grabbed him by the jaw; he gasped in pain as Feral jerked his head up to look him in the eye.

‘I don’t care about your stupid fucking little plan,’ he growled. ‘Keep it up, pet. I told you that if you turned your back on our deal, I’d slit your throat and leave you in a ditch. Do you remember that?’

Adam nodded, eyes wide with his nerves. His fear.

‘Use your words. You remember that, pet?’

‘Yes,’ Adam whispered.

‘Good. Now. Knock it the fuck off or you’re gonna find out how serious I am. Do you understand?’

‘Yes.’

Feral bent down and kissed Adam hard, pressing hard enough to hurt; Adam made a small sound of pain, but he kissed Adam until Adam was kissing back, not just weakly but involved.

He ripped his face back, then. ‘Remember who you belong to, pet. Now come on.’

He let go of Adam with a little shove, who stumbled back, then turned and continued to walk without waiting for Adam. He caught up after a few seconds, but the walk was silent from then on. Adam radiated anger beside him; Feral couldn't give less of a shit.

Feral was annoyed enough that when he found Gunners at the metro station, he almost wished they’d opened fire, but because the world was out to frustrate him, they did not. He only listened with one ear as the leader jabbered on, something about a missing scout team. Something unimportant and uninteresting, particularly when Feral knew damn well the team had probably been swallowed by the Gauntlet. If Gage was bothering to run that anymore, that is. Feral made some empty promise to look around, then jerked his head towards the door. Adam started to move when the commander said,

‘So what, the great Feral McIntyre finally decided he could use some back up? You picked a pretty scrawny one, huh?’

Feral looked at the woman slowly, who immediately gained the expression of someone realising they’d fucked up. ‘No,’ he said, flat. ‘And it ain’t none of your damn business who I travel with. Keep your opinions to yourself.’

‘Jesus, McIntyre, just making conversation,’ the commander said, but her voice was nervous. Good.

‘First: I don’t like conversation. Second: choose a topic other than my –’ Feral hesitated for the barest of seconds, because, well. He’d seen the aftermath last time. ‘– companion,’ he said, barely a pause in the sentence. ‘Third: he might be scrawny but he’s a damn sight smarter than anybody here, including you and me, so fuck off.’

He didn’t wait for a response, walking away; he ignored her spluttered answer, and ignored Adam’s stunned expression, too. At least Adam managed to make his turn to follow Feral look smooth, planned. A show (emphasis on ‘show’) of solidarity.

They walked into the underground metro station, and Adam was quiet as Feral moved to press turn the metro car on. It shuddered to life, and Adam flinched in the corner of Feral’s eye. Feral rolled them.

‘You gonna be piss scared of every machine we come across, pet,’ he asked idly. ‘Gonna spend a lot of time scared, then.’

‘Fuck off,’ Adam said, voice bitter, and Feral turned; he was pretty sure they’d just covered what happened if he kept mouthing off. Adam stared back defiantly, to Feral’s annoyance. ‘Let’s see you get tortured with moving machines and not come out a little nervous.’

…that was not the answer Feral had expected. ‘What the fuck _didn't_ they do to you?’ he asked, both from curiosity and from sheer disbelief. How the fuck did someone torture someone else into being terrified of machines?

‘Disfigure my apparently pretty face and kill me,’ Adam said dryly. ‘Everything else? Pretty sure you can name whatever you think of and still not cover it all. For the record, they shoved me in an elevator for shits and giggles and took turns shutting off the power and turning it back on just in time so I didn’t hit the bottom.’

…Christ. Feral wasn’t a good man – he’d go so far as to call himself a cruel one. But that was just psychopathic.

‘How many times?’

‘We spent about two weeks in a skyscraper before super mutants chased us out. So every other day or so. For hours.’ Adam was back to glaring at Feral. ‘So, I repeat: fuck off. If I want to have a thirty second panic attack when I get into a moving machine, I’m going to do it. Kill me if it annoys you that much, but I don’t have a choice in it. And I don’t care whether it bothers you or not.’

Feral cursed in his head; had the night before not happened, this was a moment he could have played to his advantage, spun out something close enough to kindness that Adam couldn’t tell the difference. It would be a while before Adam was complacent enough to believe it now, which left Feral with an unpalatable choice. Either ignore it and dismiss it, damaging his own efforts in the short term, or – well. Express the unfeigned disgust and anger that he genuinely felt, and risk leaving an opportunity open for Adam to try to push forward his own plan.

Ultimately, it was himself that he placed his trust in. He knew himself. There was nothing for Adam to pull on that Feral couldn’t resist, and no place for him to take it, because Feral wasn’t an average man who could fall to something like Adam’s end goal (that one potential situation long ago be damned).

‘That’s fucked up. Even for me,’ he said, and let his brain move through the stages to get where he needed to go: Adam belonged to him, now. Adam had undergone more terrible things than anyone should and survive. Adam was _injured,_ not in a way that a stimpak could heal, a full-body bruise of the mind that he might never know in its entirety. Which meant Feral wouldn’t know. Which meant he might hurt his own goddamn possession in a way he didn’t intend.

‘Feral?’ Adam said warily, watching him like he might have to dodge a blow.

‘I’m pissed off about it,’ Feral said bluntly, letting that anger out in his voice. It felt kind of nice, if he was honest, which he always was, even when it was inconvenient.

Adam grit his teeth, the sharp lines of his jaw standing out further, cheekbones more pronounced in his own anger. ‘Then be pissed off away from me,’ Adam bit out. ‘I told you I don’t have a choice, and I don’t care how you toss me around to try to knock it out of me. It’s not going to stop just –’

‘I ain’t pissed off at you, pet,’ Feral interrupted, and Adam paused. ‘I’m pissed off at them. Told you, that’s fucked up even by my standards. And you seen my standards.’

‘Yeah, I’m evidence of one,’ Adam said, but his voice slowly faded from anger to caution. ‘Why?’

‘Why, what? Why am I pissed off over it?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Because it hurt you,’ Feral said, and hated it was true. ‘Because they hurt you in a way that I can’t fix with a stimpak and some Med-X, and that’s gonna make this whole thing harder for you, and by proxy, me. It ain’t like this was gonna be easy, anyway. We don’t need no more complications.’

Adam scowled. ‘Sorry I’m too broken to be of use to you.’

‘You know, for somebody as smart as you, you sure don’t know how to fucking listen,’ Feral snapped, and gave it up as a bad job; at least it hadn’t done any more harm than the last twenty-four hours already had. And it hadn’t exposed Feral as badly as he’d thought it might. He looked out the windows at the landscape passing by, and saw the dead, warped trees he’d been waiting for. He slung off his pack, startling Adam with the sudden movement, and dug out a small bottle.

‘Rad-X,’ he said flatly. ‘We’re gonna be passing by the Glowing Sea soon, so unless you wanna glow too, take it.’

Adam did, looking down at the bottle, then up at Feral again. Feral ignored him, unscrewing the cap and pouring the pills into his hand; each bottle was technically supposed to have four doses, but Feral had never taken chances with it. He swallowed them dry, then looked at Adam, who was still staring at him.

‘Take it,’ he said sharply. ‘Or –’

He never finished the sentence. Adam unscrewed the cap, threw back the pills like it was a shot, tossed the bottle to the side, and then grabbed Feral and dragged him down into a kiss.

Feral was thrown off by it – not having expected it in the slightest, particularly after the conversation a moment ago – and by the time he finally cottoned on, precious seconds had been wasted. Adam’s tongue was in his mouth, and he actually managed to push Feral down, who toppled back onto one of the hard plastic seats.

‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing,’ he said as calmly as he could, as much danger in his voice as he could muster. It did little good, because Adam dropped into his lap, thighs spread and hardening cock pressed against Feral’s abdomen.

‘What I want to do,’ Adam replied, both cheeky and threatening at once. ‘You think you’re the only one who can take what he wants? Think again, fucker.’

He kissed Feral once more, and when Feral tried to shove him back, he just held onto the back of Feral’s seat. Feral grabbed his wrists and yanked them away, hard enough that he _knew_ it would hurt, that it would leave bruises. Adam only laughed at him, the stupid –

‘Do whatever you want,’ Adam said – _taunted._ ‘There’s nothing you can do to me that isn’t already done. Kill me, if you want to. But I’m going to take this, and you’re going to let me. Because you meant everything you just said. And that means I’m winning.’

He dropped his hips, thighs painfully wide to pull it off in the shallow-backed seats, and rocked against Feral. Feral spat out a curse; damn Adam, but he was getting hard, too. Damn himself and his fucking danger kink.

He held Adam’s wrists back, still in the air under Feral’s hands as if surrendering, but that did nothing to stop Adam’s movements, and it sure as hell didn’t do anything to stop _Feral's_ reactions.

Fine, fuck it. Plan B.

He let go of Adam’s wrists and gripped Adam’s waist, instead; he knew that further down from his hands, on Adam’s hips, would be the fading yellow bruises from when Feral had first pinned him down and pounded his ass until he was begging for it. He held Adam in place with an implacable iron grip, taking over the movement of their hips together. Adam might have started this, but that just left an opportunity for Feral to rip control back and put Adam back in his place.

That was the plan, anyway, until Adam fisted his hand in Feral’s hair and yanked his head back. Feral moved to shove Adam off again, but then went still as Adam’s other hand wrapped around his throat, graceful thumb pressed lightly to his windpipe.

‘No,’ Adam said. Panted. Rasped. Some word for a voice that sounded like coarse sandpaper. ‘No. Fuck you. For once, I’m doing this. Not you. Not anyone else. I’m not going to just fucking bend over and spread my legs this time, _I'm_ taking this from _you._ And you can fight it. Go ahead. You’re bigger than me, faster than me. But if you try, I’m taking you down with me.’

Feral _despised_ the jolt of… goddamnit. He was going to have concede (in the privacy of his own mind) that he might possibly be sexually attracted not to Adam as a twink-type but to Adam because it was Adam. And it was sure fucking something, how hard he was in his pants right now – enough of something that ignoring it any longer would make it a lie.

He could concede this for now. Open a hole in Adam’s defences, then take him down as painfully as possible.

‘Fine,’ Feral said, the word burning like acid on his tongue. ‘But you’re gonna pay for this, pet. One way or another.’

‘Do it, you bastard,’ Adam replied, and kissed Feral again. He was a gentler kisser by nature, but he was pulling off ‘angry as fuck’ pretty well at the moment, and – to Feral’s horror – Feral just… let him. Kissed him but let him guide it. This was bullshit.

But Adam’s hand was still around Feral’s throat, and Feral’s dick was still rock hard, and Feral – he was –

Motherfucker, he _liked_ this, and he hated that. Hated the way Adam was nearly fucking his mouth with his tongue because he didn’t hate it. What the fuck was wrong with him? He’d never once in his thirty-one years let anyone do anything to him. He always did things to others, not let things happen to himself.

Adam’s hand in his hair abruptly became a hand undoing the fly of Feral’s jeans, other hand still firm around his neck, and as Adam drew his cock out Feral strangled a groan into silence. He’d thought he’d not given any sign whatsoever that it had been there, but Adam laughed into his mouth.

‘You like this,’ he taunted, thumb at Feral’s windpipe pressing a little harder. Then his hand was wrapped around Feral’s dick as assuredly as his hand was wrapped around Feral’s throat, and Feral held onto his angry expression, kept his breath even, kept the sound inside. ‘You _like_ this,’ Adam repeated, thumb tighter still – not enough to constrict Feral’s breathing, but only just shy of it. ‘Don’t you?’

He stroked Feral’s dick and laughed again as Feral’s hips snapped up into it. ‘Say it,’ he said, and his thumb finally made it the tiniest bit harder to breathe. ‘Say it, you bastard. You don’t lie. So say it.’

This stroke was long, _slow,_ a rub just under the head of his cock that Feral had never known he’d like and very much liked at the moment, whether he wanted to or not.

‘I – like it,’ he said, words drawn out between clenched teeth.

Adam kissed him again, hand speeding up, and it was just like the night before – god, he’d never thought someone could master the art of the handjob, but Adam was making an excellent case for it. Maybe it was just that Feral was so turned on that his entire body felt focussed on the need to come, at any cost. He didn’t know.

‘Say it again,’ Adam demanded.

It took even more effort to drag this out, Feral hating every admission Adam was taking from him, but he did it. ‘I like it.’

Adam laughed again, a little wild, a little free. ‘God, no fucking wonder you do this to me,’ he said, panting. ‘No wonder, just – fuck, Feral. Say it again. Tell me how much.’

Feral growled in anger – how much was Adam going to fucking demand of him? – but then found himself just trying to get enough air through Adam’s grip. Nowhere near impossible, but not exactly easy, either. The fact that it only made his cock feel like it was going to explode made him angrier still, but if he valued his ability to breathe, he had to control it. And let go of control of something else.

‘How much, tough guy?’ Adam said, voice mocking and delighting in it, great joy in the power he held at the moment. ‘Or do you not like breathing at all?’

It took more effort than Feral thought he had in him to open his mouth, to choke down all his defences and his pride to reply,

‘Fuck, Adam, how much do you think?’

‘Not an answer, babe,’ Adam said, the name thoughtless, and it did nothing to calm Feral’s anger – but Adam’s hand tightened warningly for a second. It was going to leave bruises around Feral’s throat. The thought actually made a groan leave his mouth, and he could all but hear Adam’s satisfaction.

‘I like it,’ Feral panted, ‘I like – Adam, I like all of this, what do you fucking – fuck. There, fuck, _there_ -’

Adam repeated the stroke with a twist of his hand near the head of Feral’s dick, and Feral choked on the shout that wanted to leave him. Adam started to loosen his grip around Feral’s neck, and Feral didn’t choose to say so much as heard himself say ‘No, don’t – keep –’

Adam’s grip tightened again and this time Feral couldn’t choke the shout down.

‘God, Feral,’ Adam whispered, and there was so much raw desire there that it almost burned on Feral’s skin, in his ears. ‘Ask me. Beg me. Say please, and I’ll let you come. If you don’t, I’m stopping all of this –’

Feral remembered he had hands at last, but he didn’t use them the way he should. He should have tried to break free. He should have.

Instead he clutched at Adam’s back and snarled, ‘Don’t you fucking dare – don’t –’

‘Then ask me. Politely.’

Pride already out of the window, already thrusting up into Adam’s grip like a desperate whore, hands buried in the fabric of Adam’s jacket so tightly the canvas was likely in danger of tearing, Feral gave up entirely for the first time in his life. ‘Please,’ he whispered through the tightness around his throat. ‘Please – Adam, please –’

‘_God,’ _ Adam breathed, then kissed him and sped up his hand.

Feral arched into it, hips slamming into Adam’s as he came, head light from lack of air and sheer force of pleasure making his sight vanish into a grey nothingness full of tiny, bursting stars. He heard Adam whimper, felt him rock forward twice, heard him shout softly, tasted the cry on his tongue.

He slumped down, heaving for breath, and Adam let go of his throat, limp atop him and panting into his neck. Neither moved, and as the green sky outside turned to blue, Feral realised they’d passed the Glowing Sea entirely.

‘I know you’re about to kill me,’ Adam said, ‘but holy fuck, that was worth it.’

Feral bit back a snicker, and tried to make himself angry again. He could only manage irritation, though: the pleasant soreness of his roughly-handled dick, the bruises already taking shape around his throat, felt too good (too satisfying) to drum up any anger. At least at the moment.

‘If you ever,’ he rumbled, the sound a little hoarse, _‘__ever_ fucking do that again, pet, I’m gonna break your neck with my bare hands.’

‘What part of ‘you’re going to kill me but it was worth it’ just flew over your head, tough guy,’ Adam replied. He sat up, moaning softly. ‘Fuck, that was good. At least you’re keeping your part of the bargain.’

‘You ain’t,’ retorted Feral.

‘Yeah? And you liked it.’ Adam stood up, stretching; there was a wet patch at the crotch of his pants, and cum on Feral’s shirt between the open halves of his jacket. ‘What are you going to do? Kill me? Go ahead. Hold me down and fuck me? At least bother to be original, if you do. Torture me? Been there, done that.’

He bent down to be on the sitting Feral’s eye level. ‘I’m listening to you now because I want to get home in one piece, not because I’m scared of you anymore,’ he said. ‘And you’re going to have to live with that.’

‘You’re gonna regret this, pet,’ Feral said, every word a threat, and was at least gratified to see a flash of nerves in Adam’s eyes before it was buried under cocky confidence.

‘Maybe. But I don’t right now. And ‘right now’ is just about the only thing I have that’s _mine.’_

He walked away to sit in the driver’s seat and watch the landscape go by, and Feral was left to try to deal with the fact that for the first time in his life someone had gotten the better of him. That he’d liked it. Fuck, that he’d _wanted_ it.

This had to stop. He had to break Adam now before he got any more ideas in his head that he could make this an equal exchange.

Feral just wasn’t sure _how,_ anymore.


	7. seven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags:
> 
> Mention of dubcon, oral (weirdly consensual, funnily enough), reverse antagonist/antagonist for the right reasons, appearance of minor canon character (Porter Gage)
> 
> Have you ever managed to make somebody in the absolute moral right somehow the villain? Because it's a weird feeling  
Note: Porter Gage is in fact one of my favourite followers - which is a huge revelation to everyone, I'm sure - so I'm definitely not hating on the sweet bastard.

Nuka-World was precisely the way Feral remembered it being – colourful but faded, grandiose but ruined. A testament to a world long dead. He’d come here with his sister once; her son, his nephew, had been a few months old then. He’d told her there was no point in bringing a child so small. It wasn’t like Shaun would remember it. She’d told him she wasn’t going for rides, or memories for Shaun. She was going for herself. 

_ ‘Baby be damned,’ _ she’d said with a grin, the brat in question on her shoulder as she patted his back gently. Even as an infant, Shaun looked nothing like his absent father. He took after his mother, after Feral, after the grandmother he’d never meet: fine black hair, pale skin. Were Feral to look Shaun in the eyes, he’d be met with the same black-brown that he saw in his sister, in his mirror. _‘__Being a mama ain’t the end of my life. If I wanna go to a damn amusement park, I will.’ _ And so they had. It had been boring. It had been hot. It had been expensive.

And it had been one of his better memories, until he’d come here and seen what it became.

When the monorail car stopped in the station, Feral bundled himself up, pulling out a scarf and wrapping it around his neck, pulling out gloves; it was genuinely colder here than it had been in the Commonwealth, but Adam still looked smug about Feral trying to hide the bruises, right up until Feral threw the spare hat and gloves into his face. ‘Put those on,’ he snapped, ‘because I ain’t slowing down if you get a cold, and I ain’t putting up with no whining.’

Clearly Adam was more willing to put up with Feral at the moment, having gotten what he wanted a half hour ago, because he just did what he was told. There was a faint smile on his face, though, and the only reason Feral didn’t punch him in the shoulder was because Adam was no use to him if he couldn’t hold a gun.

He stalked across the station, ignoring the door to the Gauntlet, and knocked twice at a door hidden out of the way.

‘…uh,’ he heard on the other side. ‘Who… is it?’

Operator, then; a Disciple would have just sworn at him.

‘Feral McIntyre,’ he said sharply. ‘Let us through or I’m shooting up the door.’

‘Oh, shit!’ he heard, and was glad Adam smothered his snort behind him; an Operator was less likely to just kill for no reason, but might still give it a shot if he was offended. The door was quickly pulled open, and the Operator lackey looked nervous. ‘Uh. H-hey, boss.’

‘I ain’t the Overboss no more,’ Feral said pointedly, and the Operator flinched. ‘Where’s Gage?’

‘Meeting with the heads,’ the Operator said nervously. ‘Nisha’s pissed off at William and the boss is trying to stop an all out war.’

‘Sounds about right,’ Feral sighed, then jerked his head at Adam. ‘Come on, they’re gonna be screaming for hours and we might as well make use of the market. If they ain’t, Gage is gonna come find us.’

Adam nodded, eyeing the Operator nervously as he passed, and looked relieved to leave him behind. Boy, was he going to hate this next part, Feral thought. There was a vindictive satisfaction to it.

Indeed, in the next few minutes he got to watch all the colour drain from Adam’s face as they stepped out into the pavilion with the walled market at the centre. Raiders, after all, were _ everywhere _ – this was basically a city of them, a kingdom. Feral wasn’t the king any longer, thank god.

‘Christ,’ Adam whispered, and he was trying to look like he was collected, but there was an animal fear to him that Feral recognised. He’d seen it on Adam’s face a few times now, after all.

Well, waste not want not, he thought to himself, and pulled Adam over, who flinched at first then did his best to crowd in without appearing to do so at all. An opportunity to get some of his own back, Feral thought, and let the thought stop there instead of continuing down the path of considering what his own _was._

‘Nobody’s gonna touch you,’ Feral said in an undertone as they walked forward, not particularly caring if their proximity was earning them looks. ‘Don’t know how many times I’m gonna have to say that, but it ain’t changing, pet. They can’t touch you.’

‘Excuse me for being nervous,’ Adam shot back, but his voice was wavering. 'I'm still not sorry about what just happened, but I'm…’

‘Then be nervous, pet, I don’t give a damn,’ Feral said, frustrated. ‘But you’re gonna keep in mind what I just said. Nobody’s. Gonna. Touch you. Nobody but me. Understood?’

‘Understood,’ Adam whispered, but his voice was shaking a little less. That only lasted until they got into the market, though, where Adam almost stumbled.

‘What _ now__,_ pet?’ Feral said, exasperated.

‘God, they… they really have slaves doing all this?’ Adam said, sounding a little ill.

Feral hadn’t been a big fan of it, either, but he’d kept that fact to himself and he wasn’t changing that now. ‘Yes, they do,’ he said neutrally. ‘It ain’t changing, neither, so don’t think too much about it.’

‘Easy for you to say,’ Adam muttered, but flinched as a raider went by; he stiffened up like a board when the raider whistled at him, her face making it all too clear what she was thinking of. Feral bared his teeth in a snarl at her, and as she recognised him she flinched before hurrying off. ‘I don’t fucking understand,’ Adam said miserably, covering his eyes with his hand as if he had a headache. ‘I’m not even – Christ, I’m not even _good-looking,_ why can’t people leave me alone? What, do I radiate ‘fuck me against my will’ energy?’

Feral didn’t really have a way to explain how wrong Adam was about his looks without playing right into Adam’s hands, and didn’t really understand the second part enough to reply to it, so he didn’t. ‘Well, that’s gonna be the last time it happens here,’ Feral said. ‘Word gets around fast – everybody gonna know you’re mine in the next fifteen minutes.’

‘…god, that fast. Are they going to think I’m your partner or something?’

Feral paused. ‘To be frank with you, pet, it’s safer for you if they know you’re a belonging instead of thinking you're a partner,’ he said slowly, considering it. ‘Partners – those get a target on their back. Makes people think I got a weak spot that ain’t there. They’d take advantage of a relationship, real or not. And I ain’t the partner type, if you ain’t noticed. But property? Property they understand. That’s what most of them are gonna assume anyway, so ain't no reason to bother correcting the truth.’

Adam sighed. ‘Well, guess it was too much to hope no one would ever find out,’ he said tiredly. ‘Guess I’d run into this eventually.’

Feral rolled his eyes, but didn’t respond; there was no point. Adam would come to like his place in time. Feral would make sure of it.

Somehow.

‘Feral!’

Feral turned to find Porter Gage strolling forward. He was instantly wary of the easygoing expression on his face; he and Gage hadn’t exactly left on good terms, and he knew Gage. Man after his own heart, just one with a bit of a conscience left. He didn’t forgive easily.

‘What are you doing back in these parts?’ Gage asked, coming to a stop in front of him. ‘Thought you’d gone and washed your hands of us.’

‘Just passing through, Gage,’ Feral said. ‘Might stay the night, it’s a bit late to keep going.’

Gage made a face. ‘Yeah, gatorclaws been making a come back. Ain’t find the damn nest yet, but we’re looking. Either way, you ain’t gonna make it outta their range before night hits, and that’s a nasty way to go.’

‘Gatorclaws?’ asked Adam, and as Gage looked at him, Feral saw Adam wince out of the corner of his eye. He turned his own head when Adam glanced at him, and nodded in a tiny way. He didn’t see a reason to stop Adam at the moment; Gage wasn’t the Gunners. Feral didn’t trust his friendliness, but he knew Gage’s conscience would be humming along underneath.

‘Yeah, big nasty things. Some pre-War bastard scientist thought it’d be a good idea to make some giant fucking monsters, and then just left a fucking – what was it, Feral –’

‘Some kind of replicator,’ Feral supplied.

‘– yeah, that fucking thing, left it on. We got it shut off, but they’re nasty fuckers, and it’s taking a while to stamp ‘em out. They’re quieter during the day, though. Where you two headed?’

Adam glanced at Feral again; Feral nodded again. ‘South,’ he said, which surprised Feral. He’d expected him to say the destination. ‘We’re hoping to make it in under a month or so, but with all that…’

‘Nah, they stay in the park,’ Gage said, but he was looking between the two of them. ‘So Ashlyn was talking truth, for once. Well, something like it. What, you his kid or something?’

Feral made a disgusted noise at the same time as Adam’s face became horrified. ‘He’s a whole seven years younger, Gage, Christ,’ Feral said.

He felt Adam give him a surprised glance, but Gage just snorted. ‘Sorry, b – man, ain’t mean nothing by it. You just look old and he looks young, that’s all.’

‘How fuckin old did you think I am, Gage?’ Feral said, offended.

‘Forty-ish, why?’

Feral scowled. ‘I just passed thirty one, thank you very much, and I can kick your ass better than anybody here.’

‘…christ, you’re that young?’ Gage looked genuinely surprised. ‘What the fuck aged you like a president?’ Then he looked at Adam. ‘Wait, how old are you, then? You look like you’re just about old enough to smoke, where they bother to have rules about that.’

‘God, I could use one,’ Adam muttered, but shook his head. ‘I’m twenty five in a few weeks.’

‘…Christ,’ Gage repeated, and rubbed his one good eye. ‘Alright. Well. Sorry about that. If you ain’t his kid, then Ashlyn was probably telling the truth. Are you his, then?’

Adam took a breath. ‘Depends on how you mean that.’

‘He own you?’

Adam winced, but it was tiny, easily missed. ‘Yeah. I’m – his.’

Gage looked at Feral, his expression more guarded. ‘Ain’t think you were the type.’

Feral shrugged, but didn’t bother to elaborate. It wasn’t Gage’s business.

‘…aaaalright, then,’ Gage said at last. ‘Guess that’s it. Your old space is still available, if you wanna crash there tonight.’

Feral frowned. ‘It’s yours now, you know.’

‘I’m happy at my old place, and I’m still hoping somebody’s gonna come up so I can pass this damn job off.’

‘Ain’t gonna be me.’

’Believe me, I know. You remember the way?’

Feral nodded; beside him, though, Adam flinched as a Disciple went by, covered in blood and laughing with the equally blood-soaked Disciple beside him. Feral hated the idea that came to him, then, but after the last few hours… the past few days…

‘I remember,’ he said, then squinted at Gage. ‘Can I get y'all to bring Adam up there? It’s been a hell of a few days. Ain’t gonna be much use to me if he goes and has a breakdown.’

Adam snapped his head around to stare at Feral directly, eyes wild. Feral almost hesitated, because Adam looked more afraid of this idea than of any raiders walking by. Still. It would be quiet there, and he’d be able to wait in peace.

Gage frowned, but nodded. ‘Yeah, I can do that. I’ll get him set up.’

‘Feral,’ Adam said, voice quiet not from caution but from fear.

‘It’s gonna be alright, pet,’ he said, and ignored Gage’s squint. It was his business what he called Adam. ‘Gage ain’t like most of the idiots around here. I wouldn’t send you off with him if I didn’t think you're gonna be safe.’

Adam finally nodded, and internally, Feral marvelled a little; the sheer contradictions Adam managed to contain, the dichotomies of his determination and his fears, his anger and his desires. A few days back, he’d been on the verge of breaking in the least desirable way possible. Less than an hour ago, he’d had Feral pinned beneath him, hissing demands and dragging more out of Feral than anyone ever had (not that he could ever be allowed to know). And now, he was afraid, and looking to Feral because Feral had promised to keep him safe in return for Adam’s compliance.

Feral looked at Gage, then. ‘Anything happens to him, and it’s your head on a spike. Don’t touch him. Don’t let nobody else touch him. Taken one Overboss out, and I’m gonna make it two if I gotta.’

Gage continued to consider him, but nodded. ‘You got it. He’ll get there safe and sound, swear on my head.’

‘How long are you going to be?’ Adam asked.

‘Ain’t gonna be long. Where we’re going we’re gonna have to rough it more, and with it getting colder, we’re gonna need something a little heavier than what I already packed. Hour at the most, and there ain’t nobody up on the top level.’ He then paused, remembering. ‘Better take the outside lift,’ he said. ‘Other choice is an elevator, so…’

Adam flinched, then accepted this with a shrug. ‘Lesser of two evils,’ he said tiredly. Resigned. ‘Thanks for the warning.’

Feral shrugged back, because any more kindness and Gage’s one good eye was going to be crushed under the weight of his drawn brow. ‘Go.’

Adam hesitated a second more, but then walked off with Gage, who began to talk to him in his most genial tones; Feral rolled his eyes. Gage thought he could talk anyone into anything, but Feral knew Adam. He was smart. He’d see through the bullshit. He’d seen through Feral’s in a matter of days, after all.

It took some time to find a trader who was selling the things he needed, and even then he had to settle for materials rather than the finished product. He could do it, but he’d be up late tonight. Though if Adam helped, it would go a little faster, even if he’d never done something like it before. He’d want the winter-weight tent anyway, so Feral had little reason to doubt Adam would do it of his own free will, rather than just needing to be told. Which was good – it meant another small, incremental step towards Adam choosing to stay and be under his thumb.

Unfortunately, the phrase ‘under his thumb’ was taking on a new meaning, and one that Feral was trying not to think about in public. It couldn’t happen again, of course – too likely to give Adam the wrong idea about who was in charge, and who belonged to who.

But god_damn _ was Feral going to be jerking off to that for the rest of his fucking life.

He went inside the Grille itself, ignoring any attempts to get his attention, and entered the elevator, hitting the button for the top floor. Maybe he could take a few minutes – when the tent was half done, at least, which would hopefully be sometime early evening – and head back down, pick up something better for dinner than some centuries-old can of beans. It’d be their last chance for a while, after all.

The elevator chimed softly as it reached the top floor, and when the doors opened, he stepped out – then paused.

Adam and Gage were sitting at one of the tables, and both had looked up, staring at him in surprise. Gage was paused midway through wrapping a bandage around Adam’s wrist, and Feral strangled down his anger, just enough so that he didn’t immediately explode. The bruises around his throat ached briefly, as if resonating with their counterparts around Adam’s wrists. Feral ignored it.

‘As I recall, Gage,’ he said flatly, setting the supplies and his pack aside, ‘I told y’all not to touch my property.’

Adam wasn’t looking at him, red-faced and staring at the table; he pulled on his wrist, but Gage held it firm. Feral swallowed down that fury, too. Adam was still in the line of fire.

‘You know, Feral,’ Gage said, ‘I knew you were a sick fuck, but this? This is a whole new low for you. This is some Disciples level bullshit.’

‘What the fuck are you talking about?’

‘You know exactly what I’m fucking talking about,’ Gage said sharply. ‘Christ, Feral, I’ve seen people take slaves in all sorts of ways, but I thought you were at least human enough not to fuck somebody into it.’

Feral looked at Adam slowly, who was still intermittently, halfheartedly, trying to pull his wrist from Gage. ‘What did you tell Gage,’ he asked without making it a question.

‘He told me enough –’

‘Shut your fucking mouth, Gage, I ain’t talking to you,’ Feral snapped. ‘And let go of his fucking arm, he’s been trying to get it back since I walked in.’

Gage did so, but he looked closer to snarling, himself. Feral ignored him, looking back at Adam.

‘What did you tell him.’

‘…how we met,’ Adam said in a small voice. ‘What was happening before you. Why we’re travelling together. What the terms are.’

Feral nodded; so exactly as much as he’d suspected. ‘Now, Gage,’ he said, looking back to the man in question. ‘You gonna tell me why you’re raising a fuss over this when all y’all got the Disciples loose enough that they can go out to fuck and slaughter whoever they like?’

‘Ain’t never said the Disciples weren’t fucked up. That ain’t what we’re talking about here.’

‘Then what the fuck are we talking about, Gage.’

‘He ain’t leaving with you.’

Feral blinked slowly, while Adam’s head snapped up to stare at Gage.

‘You wanna run that by me again, Gage?’ Feral said, cold.

‘He ain’t leaving with you,’ Gage repeated, then looked at Adam. ‘You ain’t gotta go with him, wherever the hell he’s taking you. Stick around here. Be one of us. You’re smart as hell, you’ll go far, and we ain’t gonna let him do shit to you for staying.’

Adam looked from Gage to Feral, then back again.

In that moment, Feral had a very uncomfortable realisation: he didn't expect Adam to choose to stick with him, but he wanted it. Very much so. And he wasn’t sure it was all because he didn’t want to waste this much investment of caps and time. He hated to think it, but Adam was closer to step one of his plan than Feral was to his. If this continued much longer, Feral might have to concede to reality, even if just to himself, and admit that Adam was a friend.

Adam could know none of this. It might sway him to pick Feral, but it would cost Feral dearly in this little competition of theirs, each racing to break the other.

‘Well?’ Gage said. Adam looked back at Feral.

‘Aren’t you going to say anything?’ he asked quietly, searching Feral’s face.

Feral crossed his arms. ‘Honestly, pet? No. I ain’t. You wanna stay? Stay. Be part of this whole raider bullshit set up, I’m perfectly capable of calling this a waste of my time and leaving y’all to it. You wanna come with me? We keep going. We set off tomorrow morning. I ain’t gonna force you to choose.’

Adam looked surprised. ‘I… do you even care if I go with you?’ he asked.

And this, unfortunately, was the test for Feral from Adam’s end; it was a test Feral could either resist and say no, or fail and admit to it.

Hell. He’d already had Adam pin him down and rip his pride from him. It wasn’t like it was entirely new, anymore.

‘Yeah,’ Feral said flatly. ‘I do. But it’s like the end of this – you’re gonna make your choice then, too, and you’re the only one who gets to make it. I told you a few days back: there ain’t no point to taking this again. Only way this is worth anything is if you choose it.’

‘Choose to be your fucking slave?’ Gage challenged. ‘He can’t even make that choice. That ain’t no choice at all. He’s staying here.’

Feral ignored Gage, watching Adam still. ‘You pick what you wanna do, pet,’ he said, and Adam closed his eyes. ‘I ain’t gonna make you. And he ain’t gonna make you, neither. You either choose to stay, or you don’t, and if he tries to force it he ain’t leaving this room alive.’

‘Listen to me, Adam,’ Gage said urgently. ‘Seriously, kid. You can stay with us. It ain’t the most glamorous life, I know, but at least it’s a free one. You really gonna choose to let him knock you around? Fuck you whether you want it or not? Tell you what to do and control you?’

He reached out to touch Adam’s arm, who shied away. Gage ignored it, going to reach out and touch him anyway, but paused when Feral said in a neutral voice,

‘Touch him again, Gage, see what happens to you. He’s moving away for a reason. Don’t mean he’s made a choice, but if you’re gonna pretend to champion his rights, at least pretend to give a shit.’

‘He thinks of you as a thing,’ Gage continued doggedly, but he pulled his arm back. ‘A _ pet._ Less than human. You can be free, Adam. You don’t gotta put up with this.’

Adam was silent; Feral didn’t say anything. Adam already knew anything Feral might say about this. That for everything Feral did, he would keep Adam safe. He would get Adam home.

And apparently give him earth-shattering orgasms (and receive them in turn), but that wasn’t really a key point, here.

‘Adam,’ Gage urged, ‘pick, now. You can be free. Don’t let him beat you –’ and he reached out again, closing his hand around Adam’s thin wrist.

Before Feral could do anything, Adam yanked his arm out of Gage’s grip. ‘For fuck’s sake, stop fucking _ touching _ me,’ he spat, standing up. ‘Feral’s told you I don’t want it –’

‘He don’t decide that kind of thing for –’

‘Oh, fuck off,’ Adam said angrily. ‘Yeah, he said don’t touch me because he doesn’t want you to. He also pointed out that I’ve been moving away, since you aren’t paying any attention. He’s a possessive prick with shitty motives, but –’

Adam hesitated, clearly weighing whether he should say his next words. ‘But he’s looking out for me, too,’ he said at last. ‘And he’s a dumb fuck who can’t recognise a friend even if they were to punch him in the face, and he’s got the emotional awareness of a particularly stunted mole rat, and honestly if I could get him to lighten up a little Hell would freeze over. But he’s getting me where I need to go. And this isn’t permanent. If I stayed here, it would be. And I’d never get to leave.’

Feral didn’t let his expression change one jot; Adam hadn’t said one way or the other, yet.

‘Come on, kid,’ Gage said. ‘Don’t be stupid about this.’

‘First of all, asshole, I’m not a kid. Second of all, I’m not being stupid, I’m just smart enough to know what I’m willing to give up in the short term in order to get what I want in the long term. And third of all, you think you’re clever, but I’m not a fucking idiot. I can tell you’re trying to set me up to be the Overboss down the line, so you can keep playing puppeteer without getting your own hands dirty.’

Gage looked stunned. Feral could sympathise; he’d been at the receiving end of Adam’s incisively sharp judgements before. Like last night. And a few hours ago.

‘At least I know Feral’s motives. Get laid, see new shit, and see if he can get me to break. So no, I’m not staying. I’m going with the evil I know, thanks.’

Gage scowled but nodded. ‘Sorry he’s got you under his thumb this bad, kid,’ he said.

‘Sometimes it’s the other way around,’ Adam replied. Gage then looked at Feral, and flinched when Feral bared his teeth.

‘Get out,’ he growled. ‘Now. Or I’m gonna shoot you until I’m outta bullets, then throw you off this building for the Disciples to play with.’

Gage held up his hands and left, warily backing into the elevator and letting the doors close.

Once he was gone, Feral looked to Adam, who flinched.

‘I’m sorry,’ Adam whispered, then tried to skitter back as Feral strode over; all it did was make him stumble. ‘Fuck, I’m sorry, please don’t –’

Feral didn’t let him finish his sentence – he grabbed Adam by his shirt, hauled him up, and kissed him. He did his best to make it less harsh and more… he didn’t know. Involved. Whatever a kiss was when there was no violence in it, just sheer force; he didn’t remember how to kiss otherwise, anymore.

Adam stumbled again under the onslaught of the kiss, but then moaned into Feral’s mouth and began to kiss him back, arms creeping up to clutch at his shoulders.

‘What –’ he gasped as Feral pulled back a minute later, ‘what are – what are you doing?’

Feral didn’t answer, just shoved Adam down into the seat he’d been in when Feral entered the room. Adam would have asked another question if it hadn’t been for the way Feral dropped to his knees and immediately started attacking the fly of Adam’s pants. Instead, he hiccoughed a small moan and moved to help him, cock already mostly hard as he frantically shoved down his pants. ‘Feral,’ he started, ‘are you – oh, _ fuck.’ _

That was in response to Feral lifting Adam’s cock and swallowing him down until his nose brushed the hair at the base. Adam’s hands reached down and clutched at Feral’s head, fingers tangling in his hair as he arched with a desperate whine. Feral let him do it, because it didn’t bother Feral’s near-non-existent gag reflex. Adam’s hips kept lifting and Feral just moved with him, breathing through his nose as they settled into a rhythm, and it felt ridiculously good to have someone fuck his mouth properly, again.

Adam was chanting Feral’s name like a rosary, each iteration more broken than the last. He begged shamelessly, and nearly lost his voice entirely as Feral moved to grip his ass, urging him to fuck deeper because he could take it. It was barely the work of minutes before Adam mercilessly drove his cock as deep as he could get it and shouted Feral’s name as he came. Feral swallowed it gladly, because he could feel how it made Adam’s cock twitch on his tongue. Besides; he’d bet half of Nuka-World just heard that shout, and it wasn’t one you’d mistake for angry. Or pained. No, that was a fucked out shout if Feral had ever heard one. _ Good, _ he thought viciously. _ Let them all hear it. Show them they can’t take _ ** _my_ ** _ goddamn property. _ ** _My_ ** _ goddamn pet. _

‘Fuck, Feral,’ Adam panted as Feral let his cock slide out of his mouth. ‘You – I thought you were going to kill me.’

‘I know Gage,’ Feral said, voice rasping from how roughly he’d just made Adam fuck his throat. ‘He can talk just about anybody around if they don’t know what to look for. It ain’t your fault, pet.’

Adam gave another little moan, one that Feral didn’t understand. ‘Alright, okay, not dying today, great,’ he said. ‘Get up here, would you?’

‘Nah,’ Feral said, standing up. ‘Don’t worry about me.’

‘Wait – what do you mean, ‘nah’?’

‘I mean no. That ain’t the point of rewarding you. Now come on, if you don’t wanna freeze to death, we got a tent to put together.’

‘…you’re seriously just going to ignore your hard-on?’ Adam said in disbelief. ‘Feral, I can _ see _ it, let me just –’

_ ‘No, _ pet,’ Feral said, and grinned at Adam, fierce. ‘I’m in charge, and I’m telling you no. _ Especially _ because you want it.’

‘You’re in charge for now.’

‘For always, pet.’

‘We’ll see about that, tough guy,’ Adam said, then sighed. ‘Alright, you bastard. Show me how to make this thing.’

Adam turned out to be terrible at ‘making things’ that didn't have gears or circuits, which was actually a bit of a relief. It meant he wasn’t good at everything he touched, and Feral wasn’t going to consider the reasons _why_ it was a relief, only acknowledge that it was. Even so. He could hand Feral pieces, prepare some of the tools, and set the Pipboy to a radio station playing old songs just to help drown out the raucous raiders below. The noise irritated Feral, and Adam flinched with every cackling whoop one of the Disciples would let out. They worked together without talking, and Feral thought that it was actually… well.

It was acceptable. After everything he’d had to concede tonight, that was as much as he was willing to admit to.


	8. eight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags
> 
> Slur, assault mention, and... that's actually it, huh

They left Nuka-World early the next morning heading for the remains of the old I-91, and from there, things… settled. Feral didn’t like it, because – as with most things he didn’t like these days – he  _ did _ like it. He was used to travelling alone, but there was something distastefully reassuring about a second pair of eyes to watch for trouble, a second pair of footsteps as a counter-beat to his own. They were mostly quiet as they walked, and when they  _ did _ talk, it was always useful, never just talking to fill the time.

Adam suspected where –  _ when _ – Feral was from, now. Feral could tell from the questions Adam would ask about things he clearly already knew about. Each question was engineered to get details other people couldn’t give him about the world before the war, but he was never unsubtle enough to ask outright, wanting Feral to tell him himself. Feral in turn never answered in clear enough terms to merit Adam pressing the issue. It became something of a game, almost – how far Feral could go without lying, how far Adam could push it without asking outright.

At night, they camped, which was itself a quiet affair. The winter of 2288 into 2289 was going to be a rough one, Feral could tell. It was barely Halloween and the cold was already descending fast; little more than a week after meeting Adam and it had gone from the warmth of an old wives’ summer to a heavy frost on the tent in the mornings, the cold silence of oncoming winter in the nights.

Feral would have liked to take some time and relax, pull Adam down and see how long he could put off Adam’s orgasm until Adam was past begging into incoherent desperation, but it was frankly too damn cold out to fuck in their tent, even with the better insulation of the tent’s material. There was a reason cold showers had been considered a good way to kill a hard-on before the bombs fell. As an added bonus, he could watch Adam war with wanting it on his own. Adam had a narrow path to walk himself, if he wanted to win: he had to draw Feral in emotionally but not get tangled himself. Had to tease out Feral’s desires without taking too much pleasure in his own. If he did that,  _ Feral _ would ultimately be the one who won, because Adam would choose to stay with him when they came to Megaton. And staying with Feral meant accepting Feral’s rules, Feral’s ownership.

Honestly, Adam’s plan could make Feral’s job much easier if he wasn’t careful. 

Adam’s patience with their game ran out before Feral’s did. One night, a few days after they’d left Nuka-World behind, Adam finally asked,

‘What was it like?’

Feral didn’t bother pretending not to hear, but he  _ did _ want to be sure Adam was actually giving up, so he replied,

‘What was what like?’

Adam poked their little fire with a stick, rearranging the embers from his seat on a crate across the fire. ‘Before the Great War,’ he said. ‘What was it like?’

_ Ha. _ Feral had won – this little contest, at least.

‘It was different,’ Feral replied.

‘Yeah, no shit.’

‘Watch it, pet.’

‘Uh huh, tough guy. Alright, come on. What was it like?’

Feral considered Adam. ‘What do you think it was like?’

Adam was quiet for a long moment. ‘Honestly? I think it was probably shitty then, too,’ he said at last. ‘Just in different ways.’

That hadn’t been the answer Feral expected. He wished Adam would stop surprising him. ‘How so?’ he asked.

‘I mean – it just seems like it was so… plastic,’ Adam said, sounding like he was trying to figure it out for himself at the same time. ‘I know a lot of people think it was easier. Hell, I think it was easier. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t shitty.’

Feral considered him a moment longer. ‘You’re right. It was easier. But it was just as shitty.’

‘Tell me about it. About you.’

‘Now, why would I do that, pet?’ Feral asked, amused. ‘Ain’t some things better off a mystery?’

‘No. And if you do it, I’ll blow you.’

Feral blinked, but Adam looked completely serious. Feral frowned, then looked into the fire.

‘Depends, pet,’ he said, hating the caution in his voice, hating the question he was about to ask, asking it anyway. ‘You asking for your little project or you asking because you’re curious?’

‘…would it matter?’

‘I ain’t asking for nothing, pet.’

‘Sorry,’ Adam said, and grinned wryly. ‘You’re a hard nut to crack, you know that? So it’s a little weird to hear you actually have an opinion on something like this. You know. An emotional thing.’

‘I don’t, usually.’

‘Usually, huh?’

Feral sighed. ‘Alright, that answers that. You been pretty clear it’s for your project, and I ain’t in the mood to humour you. So no, I ain’t telling you nothing. It was different back then. That’s all.’

‘It’s really not. About – you know. That.’

Feral quirked an eyebrow. Adam rolled his eyes. ‘Watch it, pet,’ he said for the second time.

‘Or what, you’re going to fuck me? You haven’t bothered in days, and I’m still doing what you tell me to do. Mostly. You never said I had to be subservient this whole time when I agreed to the terms. I’ll admit you said I had to like it, or pretend I like it, and I’m not good at that. But still.’

Feral opened his mouth, then thought back. Son of a bitch. Adam wasn’t wrong. He sighed in frustration, the only answer he was willing to give, and Adam grinned triumphantly.

‘Besides. You like it. But anyway – no, it’s not about that. It’s like… when else am I ever going to have this opportunity again, you know?’ Adam shrugged. ‘After I get home, that’s it. So I’m curious. And anyone could tell me the basics of what happened – only you can tell me the details. That’s something I’m happy to trade a blowjob for.’

He waggled his eyebrows, but it didn’t sit right in Feral’s head – he didn’t want to trade something like this. Besides, that implied they were equals. And he was willing to bet Adam knew that.

‘Keep your blowjob, pet,’ he said. ‘But I’ll talk anyway. What do you wanna know?’

At least it was satisfying to see Adam’s mingled curiosity and disappointment. Emphasis on disappointment, which made Feral have to bite back a smile. Very satisfying, indeed.

‘Be that way,’ Adam muttered in a way he clearly thought Feral couldn’t hear, then added louder, ‘Do you know who really set off the bombs?’

Feral shrugged. ‘I think it was the Chinese, and not just because I’m American – we had no warning. If we had, my dishonourable discharge wouldn’t mean shit, I’d’ve been back on the field before you could say ‘commie’.’

‘Were you a soldier?’

‘For a while.’

‘What happened?’

Feral made a face. ‘Discharged for ‘sexual deviancy’ – one of my squadmates saw me hit on a man at the bar and reported me. I don’t lie. When they asked, I confirmed it, because I ain’t never let nobody give me shit about it. Just because I hid it in order to serve don’t mean I was ashamed of it.’

‘…so you’re actually gay.’

Feral raised an eyebrow. ‘I punched out a man for calling me a faggot. You were there. I don’t recall saying he was wrong.’

Adam was pink, now. ‘It’s – I just… thought maybe it was a thing you were doing because of this whole deal we have. More of an ‘I get it up because you don’t want it’ sort of thing.’

Feral huffed, gesturing to his throat and the bruises still visible around it. ‘You’re the one who did this. Pretty sure that ain’t something I’d bother faking if that was true. And how many times have I fucked you until you wanted it, pet? That ain’t on accident.’

Adam had moved from pink to red. ‘Look,’ he said defensively, ‘it’s hard to be sure, you know? All things considered. And I –’

Feral rolled his eyes. ‘Come here, pet.’ Adam hesitated, at least until Feral said ‘That ain’t a request,’ at which point he stood.

‘What?’ he said, when he came to a stop in front of Feral and his seat on a folded spare bedroll to keep his ass off the freezing ground. He stood between Feral and the fire on Feral’s right side; Feral didn’t like to sit with his back to the world outside of the little ring of firelight. ‘You already said you don’t want anything right now.’

Feral rolled his eyes again, and was able to conceal his own muddled response to the offer by pointing out, ‘Not when it’s this fucking cold and we’re out in the open, pet.’

‘…oh.’

Feral grinned up at Adam, mocking. ‘What, you disappointed I ain’t fucked you in days? Ain’t these tables turned.’

Adam scowled and looked away, but stayed where he was. ‘Just do whatever you brought me over here to do,’ he said, angry. ‘You’re not going to answer my questions anymore. So get it over with.’

Angry, yes. But ashamed for wanting it, too. Hurt, because he’d thought he was closer to what he was trying to do with Feral and had seen just how far he had left to go on a journey to an impossible destination.

Feral reached out and gripped Adam’s thighs, tugging him over. Adam stumbled, caught off guard, and Feral directed the fall so that Adam landed in his lap, bony hip just narrowly missing crushing Feral’s dick. Adam was so surprised that he didn’t protest as Feral moved him around so Adam was straddling him, ass in the shallow bowl of Feral’s crossed legs and staring at him from a few inches away.

‘I’m gay,’ Feral said flatly. ‘You ain’t here because I like controlling you more than I don’t like dick. Okay, a bit of the first, but this whole thing wouldn’t have started if you ain’t had a dick at all. I probably woulda just handcuffed you and left you there as you were.’

Adam was still staring at him, and Feral struggled to not roll his eyes yet again. ‘Next question, pet.’

‘Can I kiss you?’

Feral wished Adam would bother to be completely predictable for an entire five minutes at one time. He was getting sick of being caught off guard. ‘No,’ he said, then added as Adam’s face fell, ‘if you start something, I’m finishing it, and I’m pretty sure you don’t want your ass bare in the cold.’

Adam winced. ‘Yeah. Okay, fair.’

‘So next question, pet. Make it one about what you wanted to talk about, or you can get off my lap and I’ll go in the tent and go to sleep.’

Adam hastily shook his head. ‘No, fuck no, you’re warm,’ he said, and Feral reluctantly had to agree – between Adam and the fire to his side, Feral was closer to warm than he’d been since they left Nuka-World. ‘Okay, um. What was it like, being a soldier?’

‘Better than most things I done,’ Feral admitted. ‘Never finished high school – didn’t see the point. I had better things to do. Eventually joined the army because they needed a body and I needed something to do. Ended up in one of the armoured divisions.’

‘Like power armour?’

‘That’s the one,’ Feral agreed. ‘I was a monster in a T-45 – well. I’m always a monster. But in a different way, now.’

‘Maybe,’ Adam said, but followed it up before Feral could respond. ‘So you got discharged. What happened after?’

‘Went and lived with my sister,’ Feral said, and before Adam could continue, he added, ‘and no. Don’t ask questions about her. She’s dead and I don’t wanna talk about it.’

Adam nodded. ‘Can I ask how you ended up here?’

‘Vault-Tec,’ Feral replied. ‘Froze us solid as an experiment, hell if I know. I’m the only one who thawed out right.’

‘…Christ,’ Adam whispered after a moment of staring at Feral. ‘That’s – I mean, it’s not the  _ worst _ Vault I’ve ever heard of, but…’

Feral shrugged. ‘It wasn’t so bad. I don’t remember it. And I didn’t know it was coming.’

Adam was clearly weighing his words, and Feral waited; ultimately, Adam shook his head. ‘Well. I don’t know, that’s all I can think of right now.’

‘What were you gonna say, there?’

Adam shook his head again. ‘Don’t worry about it.’

‘Pet.’

Adam shrugged. ‘Sorry, tough guy. But you told me not to.’

Feral frowned, trying to puzzle that out, and so didn’t react in time as Adam got to his feet; he walked over to his bedroll in the tent and flopped down. ‘According to the map we’re going to be passing by New Haven tomorrow,’ Adam said, voice near toneless. ‘If I remember right, it’s not a place we’re going to want to stay overnight, so we should sleep.’

‘Pet,’ repeated Feral.

‘Night,’ replied Adam, who got inside the bedroll, turned his back to Feral, and seemed to go to sleep.

Feral stared at him, bewildered, then tried to remember whatever it was that he’d told Adam not to do that would’ve shut him up there. Nothing came to mind, so he took a stick, rearranged the coals of the fire so it would stay alive as long as it could without setting their tent ablaze, and went to sleep more frustrated than he’d been in a long time.


	9. nine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags
> 
> Violence, injury, blood, oral (completely unrelated to the first three tags) (honestly the first three tags aren't in relation to the ship at all, even 82 has limits), assault mention

‘Son of a motherfucker,’ Adam hissed, hand pressing painfully on Feral’s shoulder; since the other option was bleeding out, Feral was willing to take it. ‘Where the _ fuck _ are the stimpaks –’

‘Back in my bag,’ Feral rasped out; Adam cursed even more fiercely at that. Feral’s bag was still out in the middle of the furious crossfire taking place around the ruined wall they were hiding behind. ‘Sorry, pet, next time we’re splitting them even.’

‘Yeah, no fucking _ shit _ we are,’ Adam spat, and as much as Feral would have liked to snap at him for it, he was a little busy slowly dying. ‘Feral, hold your arm.’

Feral was more than still aware enough to realise what Adam was doing. ‘Pet, don’t you fucking dare –’

‘Sorry, tough guy, but you’re going to have to actually bother being tough this time,’ Adam said, and picked up Feral’s opposite hand and shoving it against the gunshot in place of his. His hands – his front, matter of fact – was spattered with dark blood. Feral’s. It had _ better _ be all Feral’s, at least. ‘We need your bag and we need it now, that shot is basically in the worst fucking place, son of a _ bitch _ –’

‘If you fucking go out there –’

‘It’s not an if.’

**‘Pet,’** Feral rumbled, but Adam was already darting away, back around the wall, back into the thick haze of gunfire and flying bullets. Feral was going to kill him, if the raiders didn’t kill him first.

This was not the way the day was supposed to go. This wasn't how anything was supposed to go.

When he’d woken up this morning, Adam was already awake, and had been for at least an hour, if not (significantly) more. That left Feral even more uncomfortable than he’d already been – it meant Adam had gotten up, rebuilt the fire, and sat around fiddling with his Pipboy, all without waking Feral. Feral was usually a light sleeper, so there were only two possible conclusions: 

Either he was losing his touch, or he instinctively counted Adam as a non-threat.

Which was fucking stupid, considering. That already put him in an irritable mood, and the way Adam was avoiding engaging with Feral in any sense that didn’t directly involve the day ahead only made it worse. The only reason Feral could think of that he’d be doing this was whatever the fuck happened the night before, and he just didn’t have the patience to intimidate Adam into fear to get the answer then coax him back to calmness. Or the desire. He didn’t think about that last one closely.

Instead, they’d packed the camp up – Adam robotically, Feral angrily – and set off again, the silence between them colder than the pre-dawn air. Feral didn’t understand it, and that was just making this whole situation worse. He couldn’t figure out for the _ life _ of him whatever the hell Adam had meant, much less why whatever it was had turned Adam from someone who’d been visibly disappointed when denied the opportunity to give a blowjob into this, someone who didn’t want to look at Feral at all. Feral’s brain kept chasing it back and forth like a hound chasing a radstag it kept losing in the trees, until he felt Adam touch his arm near noon.

‘What the fuck do you want?’ he snapped. Adam neither flinched nor rolled his eyes; Feral wanted to shake him, just to get a goddamned response.

‘What do you know about New Haven?’ Adam asked, voice unfazed.

‘Nowadays? Nothing,’ Feral replied through gritted teeth, reining in his temper as best he could. ‘Ain’t left the Commonwealth since I defrosted.’

‘Okay. In which case, I remember coming through it when the raiders moved north, and it’s not exactly a place we’re going to be able to just walk through. It’s got its own raider gang war, and none of the sides like anyone from the outside interfering. Unless things have changed from last year. And I doubt it.’

Feral looked down the road; trees were thick enough along the way, old Corvegas and busses piled together, that he couldn't see the city yet. They were still a good seven, eight miles out. ‘So we go around it.’

Adam shook his head. ‘We can’t. I remember one of the raiders I was with talking about it. The reason they’re all fighting over space is because the harbour is infested with mirelurks, and East Rock and West Rock are full of yao guai. It’s still dangerous in the winter, because none of it’s been maintained since the war, so…’

Feral cursed. ‘And you ain’t mentioned this before because?’

‘I thought you knew,’ Adam said, nonjudgmentally. Feral would have preferred his acidic sarcasm, to be honest. ‘Sorry, Feral. I’ll try to keep that in mind.’

Great, and now he was apologising like a normal person. Feral hadn’t thought deference would be so fucking irritating.

‘Fine. So we go through New Haven,’ he said. ‘Let me see the map.’

Instead of holding out his arm, like Feral had expected, Adam just undid the catch and slipped the Pipboy off, holding it out. Keeping his distance.

‘What the fuck is _ wrong _ with you?’ Feral burst out, patience snapping in half.

Adam didn’t even have the good grace to look startled at the outburst. ‘Don’t worry about it,’ Adam said. ‘I’ll deal with it later.’

Feral paused at that. ‘Deal with what later.’ He didn’t make it a question.

‘Said it yourself, Feral. Wasteland doesn’t care if I want to break down. I’m putting it off.’

Feral frowned. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘We’re walking into a raider city, and it isn’t one you have any sway in,’ Adam replied, voice flat but not from anger as he put the Pipboy back on. ‘So I’m putting off the breakdown, and I’ll deal with it later. Probably won’t have to deal with it when this is over, come to think of it.’

‘Nobody’s gonna hurt you, pet,’ Feral said, catching on at last.

‘Can’t promise that here, Feral.’

‘Yes. I can.’

Adam finally hesitated; something of the conviction in Feral’s voice must have gotten through at last. ‘You can’t,’ he said, but his voice was less toneless now. More uncertain. ‘You _ literally _ can’t, you don’t know the future. Don’t worry about it, Feral.’

‘I’ll worry about whatever I goddamn well feel like worrying about,’ Feral snapped back. ‘Christ, pet, I thought you were still pissed off about last night –’

‘What?’ Adam said, finally caught off guard. ‘What – no, that was something else. It’s not important. This isn’t important, either.’

‘Yes. They’re unimportant,’ Feral said. ‘That’s why I’m wasting breath bringing them up.’

Adam flushed at that, more emotion than he’d shown all day. ‘Look, just – later, okay?’ he said, voice picking up speed as he continued. ‘We still have a ways to go, and if we hurry and nothing goes wrong, we can be through to West Haven by tonight, and that shouldn’t be territory that’s currently up for grabs because it’s outside the city centre, so we can hide for –’

‘Shut up,’ Feral snapped, grabbed Adam by the collar, and hauled him over.

Adam flinched, then stiffened up when Feral’s lips hit his; Feral didn’t care, other hand curving around the back of Adam’s head to keep him in place. After a second, Adam began to kiss him back, more tentatively than he’d ever done, and Feral slowly drew him in until he was clinging to Feral’s jacket with both hands, head tilted up and mouth pressed to Feral’s. Neither of their mouths were open; Feral didn’t know what to feel about that.

Instead, he broke the kiss and glared down at Adam. Adam’s eyes were closed, a complicated expression on his face, and so he didn’t see it.

‘Just fucking _ tell _ me when shit like this comes up,’ Feral said sharply. ‘I coulda strangled you this morning, you know that?’

‘I don’t know when to tell you things like this,’ Adam replied quietly; he kept his eyes closed, not looking at Feral even though his face was still turned up towards him. ‘Your whole ‘break me’ plan is shooting yourself in the foot if you want me to talk to you. I never know when you’re going to be pissed off at me for being human and when you’re not.’

Feral disliked that Adam had a good point. He was going to have to re-evaluate what he was doing, now, and he disliked that too. For now, though, he had to address _ this, _ and the hell of it was that however he did so was going to have to become the new normal.

Hell. Nothing for it, then.

He kissed Adam again, who jerked in surprise but almost immediately started pressing back.

‘What part of ‘tell me’ did you not understand, pet?’ Feral asked when he broke the kiss. ‘Just – tell me. This ain’t a fucking request, got it? It don't do neither of us no good if you just shut down and I get pissed off. Tell me you understand me.’

‘I understand you,’ Adam whispered.

‘Good.’ Feral kissed him again, and meant to draw away, let Adam go. Adam opened his mouth, though, his tongue brushing over Feral’s lip, and Feral answered it without thinking, opening his own mouth and sliding his tongue along Adam’s. Adam kissed him hard, then, and Feral kissed him harder, and he pulled on Adam enough that he felt his own pack hit the metal of a bus with a dull _ thunk._ It didn’t matter; he was much more focussed on Adam at the moment, and he knew it was dangerous, knew he had to pay attention to the world outside them because this was the kind of thing that got people killed, but Adam bit his lip just past the point of pain and knocked it out of Feral’s head. This wasn’t how it was supposed to work. None of this was how it was supposed to work.

He still found himself with Adam on his knees in front of him, gloves off to the side and thin fingers pulling Feral’s fly open. ‘Pet,’ Feral said, ‘we don’t have time –’

‘Shut the fuck up and let me blow you,’ Adam replied, voice back to the harsh sound it had been after Feral rode him, while he’d pinned Feral down in the monorail car, and Feral hissed out a litany of curses as Adam freed Feral’s hard dick and sucked it into his mouth.

He wasn’t as much a virtuoso when it came to his blowjobs as he was with his handjobs, but that didn’t mean he was bad at it; on the fucking contrary, Feral’s hands were splayed flat on the metal of the bus’ side as he tried to keep from just grabbing Adam’s head and fucking Adam’s throat. One of Adam’s hands was wrapped around Feral’s cock, still – keeping him from going too deep – but his other hand groped up until he found Feral’s, which he immediately pulled to place on his head. Realising what Adam wanted, Feral groaned harshly but did it, knocking Adam’s hat off and digging his fingers into his hair.

He didn’t quite fuck Adam’s mouth, instead guiding him up and down his cock; Adam was moaning around him, which was _ unspeakably _ good, and Feral kept dropping curses and groans like water spilling out of his mouth. ‘Adam –’ he managed, but didn’t have anything to follow that with. ‘Adam – oh fuck, _ Adam _ –’

Adam just sucked harder, and Feral lost it, coming down Adam’s throat with a mortifying honest-to-god whine. Adam sat back, Feral’s dick almost instantly painfully cold in the air, but for some stupid fucking reason, he didn’t care. That stupid fucking reason was that Adam had fumbled open his own pants, grasped his own cock, stroked _ once, _ and came with a soft, broken cry onto the pavement.

The two of them tried to catch their breath for approximately five seconds before they hurriedly did up their pants again; it was too fucking cold, otherwise. That finished, though, neither could move for a long minute, breathing hard – Adam still on his knees, Feral only held up by the bus behind him.

‘And that’s why you should have just let me blow you last night, you asshole,’ Adam said at last, and Feral tried to choke his laughter down but didn’t manage it in time. Adam looked entirely too pleased with himself, and Feral rolled his eyes before hauling him up again.

‘Alright, pet, you got what you wanted,’ he grumbled, ‘so let’s go.’

‘Yeah,’ Adam said, grinning up at him before he bent and picked up his hat again. ‘I did, didn’t I?’

‘Shut it, pet.’

Adam clearly wanted to say more, but Feral’s glare (annoyingly half-hearted as it may be) was enough to make Adam keep his mouth shut. At least Feral still had that.

They continued on, and things were at least closer to normal – or whatever their normal was going to be from now on, because Feral didn’t know. Adam was more animated now, at least. The high from a good orgasm didn’t last long, his nerves settling back in, but he wasn’t a bland doll anymore, and he let himself stay close to Feral, always a step behind him. He didn’t believe Feral when he said that he wouldn’t get hurt; Feral didn’t care, because it was true regardless of if Adam believed it.

The hell of all this, he thought with annoyance, was that what had just happened had just moved _ both _ of their plans forward, and that was no good. Any gain Feral made was invalidated by one of Adam’s, and much to Feral’s frustration, Adam was indeed getting somewhere. Feral wouldn’t call him a friend, yet, but that was more from stubbornness than anything else, and Feral could only ignore something so long before it became denial. Denial was lying. And Feral hated that in himself – hated it in others – and wouldn’t tolerate it. Which was why, friend or not, Feral was forced to admit that he did, in fact, just… like Adam. Adam was a disgustingly likeable person, as proven by the fact that he was managing to wriggle past even _ Feral’s _ walls.

Feral had (yet another) uncomfortable thought, then – Adam was likeable. Which meant he likely had people in Megaton who liked him. And if he did, those were more reasons why even if this Moira didn’t want him back, the way Adam feared, he might still choose to stay. And if he chose to stay, Feral would lose.

_ Christ, nothing can be easy, can it?, _ he thought, frustrated. He loved a good challenge. This was moving from good to – something else.

He stewed as they continued walking, and was glad Adam was increasingly unwilling to say anything, especially as the streets slowly turned to suburbia. He finally pulled Adam aside, the two of them cautiously taking shelter in a bus stop, both ignoring the browned skeleton still propped up on the opposite end of the bench.

‘Listen, pet,’ Feral said quietly. ‘Raiders ain’t gonna be our only concerns, so we're gonna have to stay low and quiet, you understand me?’

‘You got it,’ Adam said, voice nervous. He still pulled up the map on his Pipboy, and moved into Feral’s space without thought so Feral could look over his shoulder. ‘So we’ve kind of basically got two options, as I see it,’ he said, zooming the map out so it could show the whole of New Haven. Feral stared at it for a moment – there were little markers placed here and there, and as Adam’s cursor moved over them to get where it was going, a brief collection of words would come up. _ Gang 1, _ said one, in the centre of a cluster of neighbourhoods; _ Minefield, _ said another, and in tinier text beneath, _ Avoid at all costs. _

‘Is this what you were doing all morning, pet?’ Feral asked, and Adam looked up at him, surprised.

‘Um. Yeah,’ he said awkwardly. ‘As much as I could remember, anyway. And it’s all about a year out of date, but it’s better than nothing.’

Feral nodded and didn’t remark on how he saw about thirty of the little markers on New Haven alone, not counting East or West Haven to either side. ‘Alright. Two options, you said.’

Adam nodded. ‘We can keep to I-91 on the south end, which is a shorter journey, but it’s –’ he checked the Pipboy’s date, ‘November, now. So just past mirelurk mating season. In other words, lots of protective mirelurks around new nests. And probably, god forbid, at least one or two mirelurk queens.’

Feral shuddered a little. ‘Hate the fucking things,’ he said at Adam’s curious look. ‘Too many fucking legs.’

‘And what about Radscorpions, huh?’ Adam said, a strange delight on his face. ‘Don't _they_ have too many legs?’

‘At least the poison kills you fast. Mirelurks take their damn time – what now, pet? You look like you just found a bottle of Quantum.’

‘Look, you’ve literally never even _ looked _ afraid of anything so far –’

‘I ain’t _ afraid, _I just hate the damn things –’

‘Let me enjoy the fact that you’re actually a human being for once, alright, tough guy?’ Adam said, rolling his eyes.

**‘Pet.’**

‘Yeah, yeah, I know. Anyway. That’s the south route.’ At least Adam looked less like the sound of a boot on pavement would give him a heart attack. ‘The north route is longer, and it hugs the parks. There’s a stronger raider presence up there, and it’s nearer the yao guai. But it’s also colder this time of year, so there should be fewer of them around, and the streets are less confusing up there, judging by the map. It might be easier for us to sneak through, because of that.’

‘What way did y’all go last time?’

‘Right through the centre,’ Adam said dryly. ‘Lost about fifteen raiders doing it, too. Shame.’

Feral snorted, and Adam looked pleased again.

‘Alright, pet. Which one do _ you _ think is best?’

Adam hesitated, looking down at the map, then up at Feral. ‘What, you’re going to let me be in charge for once?’ he said, but even though the words were teasing, his expression very much was not.

Feral huffed, annoyed. ‘Don’t make this about your bullshit, right now,’ he snapped. ‘Gimme an answer.’

Adam still hesitated, though.

‘Well, what now? You sounded happy enough five seconds ago.’

‘I’m scared.’

Feral blinked, then looked at Adam; Adam continued to stare at the map.

‘What if I choose wrong?’ he said, each word clearly a difficult thing to admit. ‘Then I never get home. Then I never find out if Moira can still want me there. Then –’

‘Oh, shut it, pet,’ Feral said with some exasperation, and Adam flinched. ‘I told you before. The only way you’re gonna find out is if we go. We can’t sit here forever, because you’re gonna find out exactly as much as you would if you get our asses killed. And that ain’t gonna happen anyway – I keep telling you. Nobody’s gonna hurt you.’

‘Except you.’

‘Except me,’ Feral agreed, even if he wasn’t actually all that sure he agreed, anymore. ‘And last I checked, I ain’t no yao guai.’

‘You’re still a bear,’ Adam muttered; Adam had a bad habit of thinking he was speaking quietly enough that Feral wouldn’t hear him.

‘Ain’t soft enough for that, pet,’ he commented, and watched the back of Adam’s neck flush. ‘Surprised the terms stuck around after two centuries, but I’m a wolf, thank you very much. Ain’t nothing wrong with the others, but I got too much muscle to count.’

‘God, just – stop talking,’ Adam said, embarrassment clear in his voice, and Feral grinned.

‘Sorry you ain’t prepared for the cans of worms you keep opening.’

‘I am _ trying _ to focus on keeping you alive, and since I had your dick in my mouth about an hour and a half ago, I do _ not _ need to get started all over again.’

‘Told you you’d like it eventually.’

Adam held still, and Feral knew, instantly, that he’d misstepped – and badly.

‘Yeah. Okay,’ Adam said woodenly, and Feral cursed in his head – there went all of the progress he’d made, leaving Adam firmly in the lead, if he even wanted to be after this. ‘North. Raiders probably try to avoid the yao guai, too, so it’s not prime real estate. Let’s go.’

‘Pet –’

‘Don’t fucking rub it in,’ Adam said, bitter. ‘Let’s. Go.’

Feral could have pushed it, but that would have just destroyed more of his work, so he sighed. ‘Fine. North it is.’

They set off, steps as quiet as possible, and Feral couldn’t let it go inside his head. What was the fucking point of trying to break Adam if he kept breaking Adam in the _ wrong direction? _ He was going to lose at this rate – which didn’t mean Adam won, per se. Just that Feral lost. He hated that idea, and like with so much else, didn’t know what to do with all that hatred.

That was why things went wrong, of course. It was the reason anything went wrong in Feral’s life, from the beginning to the apparent end; emotions got in, good ones and bad ones alike, and when they did Feral had only found one that ever served any use. Anger got him through his childhood. Through his teenage years. Through the army. Through his discharge. Through the future, and everything he’d had to do here. Anger was the only one worth anything in the end, and he should have known _ anything _ else – be it even the most basic of human compassion – would ultimately be the end of him.

There were some luxuries men like Feral couldn’t afford, and he’d been running up a loss for well over a week, now; Life always came to collect on her debts, and this was what he got for it.

They’d made it safely up to the north side, silent as they crept through the winding, filthy streets, the distant gunfire and screams playing the role of white noise to their journey. Adam was silent behind Feral, even his breathing barely audible. Feral cursed himself out in his head, tried to watch the area around them, and failed at balancing the two.

The gunfire had abruptly started moving closer, faster than Feral was sure they could hide, and so he instinctively kept his promise – he turned and grabbed Adam, shoving him towards the nearest cover. He’d dropped his bag in the middle of the street for the sake of speed, and it still hadn’t been enough, because of course it hadn’t, and he’d only just managed to push Adam behind the wall when the first errant shots began to fly. There were two groups coming through the alleys, one chasing the other, neither caring where their shots landed.

He’d known the instant he’d been shot – his adrenaline hadn’t had time to kick in before it hit, and so he couldn’t bite back the hiss of pain as a bullet as hot as the sun slammed into his right shoulder, tearing through and ripping free through the space in his armoured shoulder plates. By that point, Adam had grabbed him, and he yanked Feral behind him so the two of them were pressed to the wall.

And now, because Adam was a _ reckless idiot _ for reasons completely beyond Feral, he’d gone right back into the crossfire for a stupid _ pack _ that might not even manage to save Feral anyway. He’d seen this shot before, after all. Once, on the frozen soil just outside the brick-and-mortar cadavers of buildings along Anchorage’s skyline. Squadmate; same shoulder, even. Subclavian artery, torn through. He’d had a stimpak in seconds; it had been hairy, stimpaks often watered down just to increase quantity back home, but he’d made it.

It had been over a minute, and Feral knew that for all he could stop the blood from coming _ out _ of his body, that wouldn’t stop blood from coming out of the artery itself. It was protected by bones, after all. Not much compression could do.

Adam wasn’t back yet. Feral hadn’t heard a scream that sounded like him, but there were a lot of screams right now. A number of them death screams. So who knew.

Adam still wasn’t back. Feral was starting to count seconds. He wasn’t sure why; something to focus on, he supposed.

Adam wasn’t coming back, Feral knew. Goddamn it. _ Goddamn _it. He’d said he’d keep the idiot safe and he’d meant it and now it meant nothing. He’d known there was a chance that he’d lose this contest when Adam left for good. He just hadn’t thought it would be because they were both dead. He’d been looking at it like a zero sum game, one winner taking the whole pot. Instead, it was a game with no winners at all.

Something struck his cheek, snapping his head around, and his eyes opened as his cheek smashed painfully into the wall.

‘Don’t you fucking go to sleep on me, you absolute _ asshole,’ _he heard. As he turned back, lethargic, Adam’s face was waiting for him, coloured red with his fury. ‘Which fucking part of ‘be tough for once’ missed you, you fucker?!’


	10. ten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags:
> 
> Injury, mention of past assault

There was a small pinch to Feral’s shoulder, followed by another; a brief point of pain-in-reverse as his body started to respond to the stimpak, then the spreading numbness of Med-X.

‘Come on, while they’re busy,’ Adam snarled, ‘you’ve got one working shoulder, let’s fucking go, _ now _ –’

Feral let Adam bully him to his feet and sling a strap of his bag over his left shoulder; the cries behind them had moved from rage and pain to rage and fear.

‘What –’

‘Don’t fucking talk,’ Adam snapped, ‘later – if I have to put off my breakdown then you _ definitely _ have to put off dying, come on!’

Feral followed Adam’s tug, Adam leading him hurriedly down the alley and then down the block at a light jog; Feral could hear snarls, now. Inhuman; closer to his new name. Feral ghouls. And a lot of them. He forced himself to move faster, which Adam immediately shifted to, and after a few seconds they were running as best they could, as fast as they could go, as far.

In a distant part of his head, the part that was still clear, Feral thought _ Nice of you to show up, adrenaline. You’re only too fucking late. _

He lost track of it, Med-X fogging his sight and the pain it couldn’t fully dampen nearly finishing the job, but finally, Adam began to slow down. Feral was able to stumble to a stop at last, breathing so hard his lungs almost didn’t have time to process the air; they were the loudest things in a silent street.

‘Here,’ Adam panted, and pulled on Feral; Feral had lost too much blood to be entirely stable, he thought clinically in the same part of his mind that was currently holding a grudge against the very concept of adrenaline. He had no choice but to let Adam direct him wherever he wanted Feral to go. A different part of Feral, blood and bone and animal instinct, was actually fine with that, if not outright relieved; it trusted. The clinical part of him was _not_ relieved and in fact a little alarmed at the second part, but couldn’t quite recall why, at the moment.

There was a door opening, then a door closing; the scent of a musty interior, one that hadn’t been opened in a long, long time.

‘Sit.’

Feral sat where Adam pushed him; he stumbled a little, because it was farther down than he thought, but he finally hit a seat of some kind, and let his head tilt back, finding a wall behind it to rest against.

‘I’ll be right back.’

Feral felt Adam pull something from him, on his left side; Adam had been gone for a few seconds before Feral puzzled out that it was his pistol, the one he basically never used because a rifle should be enough.

He was alone for a while, then; he counted gunshots. Seven, so there’d been a reload. He heard footsteps enter the room.

‘Radroaches, just had to make sure,’ he heard. ‘And what the fuck did I say about going to sleep? I’ll slap you again. God knows you deserve it.’

‘Fuck off, pet,’ Feral managed, refusing to open his eyes.

‘Oh, good, the prodigal dumbass lives,’ Adam replied, moving around; Feral didn’t know what he was doing. He wasn’t going to bother opening his eyes to find out.

He knew enough that he knew how he was supposed to respond to that. ‘Do you wanna die today, pet? Keep running your fucking mouth.’

‘Sorry, tough guy, but if you managed to kill me when you’re like this then I deserve to die for a whole different reason,’ Adam snapped.

Feral thought about it. ‘Honestly, pet? Fair.’

There was a pause, followed by a short-lived burst of faintly hysterical laughter. ‘God, I should’ve just shot you and stabbed you with Med-X back at the beginning,’ Adam said. ‘You’re much more tolerable. Open your eyes for me, babe.’

Feral did, thinking he should be protesting that, too, but not able to pull enough thought together to do it. Adam was waiting, expression more complicated than anything Feral could manage to parse at the moment. ‘Okay, good, didn’t think you’d have a concussion, but wanted to be sure,’ Adam said. ‘Hold still, you’re getting a second stimpak.’

‘Can’t afford that, pet, only got the six at the moment.’

‘Make that three, I needed one, too.’

_ That, _ at last, was enough to jolt Feral to something approximating lucidity. **‘What.’**

‘Don’t start with me, it was a bad graze and it’ll be fine by tomorrow morning,’ Adam said sharply. ‘And you’re lucky I _ did _ use it, because if I hadn’t, we’d both be dead right now.’

‘I don’t care about that,’ Feral snarled. ‘You got _ shot?!’ _

‘Yeah, it was kind of a risk, Feral,’ Adam said, but his expression was complicated again. ‘Worry about it later, we can’t stay here long. We left a pretty good trail of blood behind us, and I kind of swooped in and stole a serious goody before any of the raiders could grab it. If any of them survived the ghouls, one of the crazy fuckers might try to track it down. Stimpak is only going to do so much so fast, so we’re going to wrap your arm up and get moving. I want to be on the other side of East Haven by sundown.’

‘What happened,’ Feral insisted, even as he let Adam start to peel off his blood-soaked armour.

‘Pure fucking serendipity,’ Adam said, setting aside the shoulder plate and starting in on the chest. ‘By which I mean both sides weren’t just fighting each other, they were running from something. That something? A horde of feral ghouls with two of the glowy ones and one of the _ big _ fuckers.’

‘…Jesus.’

‘Yeah, no kidding. There were enough of them screaming that the horde didn’t notice me, or we’d both be fucked. The second piece of luck that’s almost enough to make me believe in a loving god was that the sound had actually drawn an entirely different horde from the direction we’d come in. And that horde didn’t look like it liked the first one. Or the raiders. Which – same. Me too.’

Feral laughed softly, even if it hurt, then huffed in annoyance as Adam forwent the process of trying to extract Feral’s arm from his blood-soaked shirt in favour of just cutting it open. ‘I liked this shirt.’

‘And I like you alive, because I want to get home. Besides, fair’s fair. You cut off mine, I get to cut off yours.’

Feral was silent at that, and after a few more seconds of cutting, Adam sighed.

‘It was a joke, Feral. If you get to make them, I do, too.’

‘I’m sorry.’

Feral would forever blame the rest of the conversation on the Med-X, he swore it to himself. There wasn’t really a way to go back now, and at least the Med-X excuse was probably actually true, which he was willing to accept.

Adam held very, very still. ‘For the joke?’ he asked at last.

‘Yes. And why I can make it.’

‘…God, I’m just going to leave you on a Med-X drip forever,’ Adam said, stunned. ‘What – are you serious?’

‘I ain’t sorry for doing it to other people,’ Feral said, and just looked down at Adam’s blood-soaked hands. Med-X made him a coward too, apparently. Not that it had ever been hard. ‘And if we weren’t doing this stupid fucking thing, I wouldn’t be sorry for doing it to you, neither. Ain’t gonna lie to you.’

‘I know.’ It was quiet; Adam knew Feral was going to say more before Feral knew for sure, himself.

‘You just – ain’t the same situation. You didn’t even wanna be there. Or anywhere around here. And I ain’t gonna say it more than the once – you known me for a little while now. Ain’t sure I can manage it more than once. But I’m sorry. Wasn’t always like this. Always gonna be now. But – it ain’t change nothing. I know that. But at least you can know I know it. 

‘And don’t think this lets you off the hook, pet,’ he added, one part of him trying to tease, one part dead serious, and one part asking _what the fuck he thought he was doing._ ‘I’m still gonna make you do this. Too much of a bastard to give up on that now. I’m still gonna make you wanna belong to me –’

‘Fat fucking chance –’

‘Shut it, pet. It’s a shitty apology, because ain’t none of this coulda happened any different. And because of that, I can’t say I’d take it back. But if I coulda gotten to own you in a different way, I woulda done _ that.’ _

‘…yeah, you’ve ruined your apology with that,’ Adam huffed. ‘So, still. Fuck you. And I’m not going to choose staying as your plaything. I’m still going to break your heart when I leave, I swear to god, and you can walk all the way back to the Commonwealth knowing things could’ve been different if you’d bothered to be a human fucking being during even a single _ minute _ of this. But, you know. I – yeah. I hear you. Guess there’s still a glimmer of humanity in you. Now hold still.’

Feral was out of words, exhausted physically and in another way, a way that he thought he might have always been exhausted in, might always be. He just let Adam bandage him up, wrestle him into another shirt, and lead him out of the little house they’d hidden in. They walked, and Feral forced himself to pay attention to the world around him; _ breakdown later, _ he thought with no little bitterness. _ Survive now. _

Streets passed, and nothing came for them. The sun swung lower and lower, and their daylight hours were well on their way towards being scarce indeed. With any luck the moon would be able to light a good chunk of the way in early evening for at least the next week or so, Feral thought, so they could do at least some travelling at night without having to sacrifice too much visibility.

They didn’t quite reach the other side of East Haven by sundown, but Adam found another small house for them to stay in anyway. This one was slightly less intact than the other, but it was good enough, and Feral helped set everything up as if he had two arms instead of the one. The stimpaks would do enough of the job by tomorrow morning that it would be fine, so he didn’t bother to worry. The house blocked the wind, even if it was still freezing, and with the thick, dusty curtains blocking the windows, it was safe enough for them to have their little lantern out.

The two of them sat there, both too tired to sleep, too quiet to dare to break the silence. Feral wanted to, Med-X still leaving enough of his inhibitions behind that he could admit that, but his inadequate apology still hung between them. Feral was a monster – easy enough to admit that, it was an objectively true statement if morality was kept in mind, and he couldn’t seem to put it out at the moment – but he knew this wasn’t something he could try and bridge the divide. It wasn’t his right. And with the Med-X still softening him, he knew he’d crossed far too many lines and ignored far too many rights to argue otherwise.

He fully expected to sit there until his body gave up and finally slept, the silence between them unbroken. Because the one thing he was predictable in was his unpredictability, though, Adam scrubbed his face and asked,

‘Can we just – truce? Just for tonight?’

Feral looked up at him.

‘None of your – trying to break me, bullshit. None of my trying to break _ you _ bullshit. I’m too tired to do any of it,’ Adam said. ‘I just – god, I wish you hadn’t fucking apologised.’

Feral shrugged, wincing halfway through. ‘I’d apologise for apologising, pet, but that ain’t gonna undo it.’

‘No, nothing’s going to undo it, and I fucking hate it,’ Adam said, and the anger was there – but its head was being held under the water by Adam’s exhaustion, drowned by weariness. ‘So I just – not tonight. Just for tonight, none of it fucking happened, and we’re just – two human people who exist. Can we do that?’

Feral considered this. ‘We can try, but I don’t know what you mean by it,’ he said at last. ‘Are we gonna sit here, the way we been, and pretend we ain’t who we are? Because I ain’t good at lying. And I ain't gonna start now.’

‘God, just – fucking lie for one night, okay?’ Adam bit out. ‘You have basically no other fucking values, why the fuck are you sticking to this one?’

‘My sister.’

Adam froze. Feral tried not to say anything more, and failed utterly.

‘Parents died young, and I was what she had, and we spent the whole afternoon getting told our parents were fine, they were coming home, when they’d been dead for hours and everybody knew it. Lydia asked me never to lie to her. Never to lie at all. So I didn’t. And I don’t. So no, pet. I don’t got no other values. But this one is mine. And I can’t just stop it for a night because it might be easier.’

Adam was silent for a long moment. Feral thought that was the end of it. God, he hoped the Med-X was enough that he didn’t remember any of this in the morning. He didn’t have the right to this kind of thing, anymore, and he wasn’t planning on trying on this kind of thing ever again.

‘For fuck’s sake,’ Adam started as a whisper and ended as a shout, ‘stop – just stop it! Stop fucking – stop deciding you get to be _ human _ now, this isn’t – how the fuck am I supposed to deal with this?’

Feral shrugged again. Winced again. ‘It don’t matter anyway –’

‘It does, and it shouldn’t, and just – stop it, go back to being the fucking asshole who yanked me around and called me a fucking belonging and _ meant _ it,’ Adam demanded, and his anger had risen up against his exhaustion like a mirelurk surfacing from water, murdered the weariness under the fury. ‘You don’t get to be human after everything you’ve done! You don’t get to be _ sympathetic, _ you don’t get to have a history or any of it, you don’t _ fucking deserve it, _so stop making me deal with it!’

‘You think I don’t know any of this –’

‘Don’t just agree with me, either!’

Adam got to his feet and stalked over, and Feral did nothing. In the morning, with his arm healed and the Med-X worn off, he could lock himself back up. Right now, it wasn’t that he didn’t have the key to do it, it was that he didn’t even have the walls to hide behind. He still flinched in pain when Adam grabbed him, hand intentionally closing with the heel of his palm pressed right over the bullet hole, and shook him hard.

‘After everything you’ve done, to me and to every other fucking person you’ve done this to, you don’t get to be _ sorry!’ _ Adam snarled. ‘You don’t get to be a person! It’s not fucking right and it’s not fucking fair, you can’t make any of this right or fair, so just – knock it off! Stop acting like you get to be _ worth _ something!’

That, at last, was enough to make Feral move; he shoved Adam away from himself, and Adam hadn’t expected it, toppling backwards with a cry.

‘Don’t bother telling me shit like I don’t already fucking know,’ Feral spat as Adam pushed himself up. ‘I know what I am. I know what I done. Go ahead, be angry. Hate me. God knows I fucking deserve it, from you and every other fucking human being I’ve ever come in contact with. But I’m gonna decide for my own goddamned self what I’m worth. I don’t gotta be worth nothing to you to matter to _ me. _ I got me, and I got my ghosts, and that’s it. That’s what I got. So hate me. Go right a-fucking-head. But if you want me to stop being a person, then leave me and my ghosts be.’

‘I _ don’t _ want that,’ Adam snapped, and his face was wet; he was crying from his anger. ‘Do you fucking understand? I don’t want you to stop being a person, and I’m angry but I don’t hate you, and that’s _ your _ fucking fault! Go back to being a fucking monster, you’ve done enough to me!’

‘I ain’t never stopped being a monster,’ Feral said coldly. ‘You deal with your own fucking problems. You don’t want my help, you don’t want me here, and I don’t fucking blame you. Count this as over, Adam.’

‘…what?’

‘It’s over. It’s fucking done. I’m done. You win, Adam. Congratu-fucking-lations. I’m getting you down to Megaton, because I keep my promises. I don’t lie, and I keep my promises when I can. And that’s what you get outta me. I’m getting you home.’

‘I…’

‘Good night,’ Feral said, and got into his bedroll, and turned his back to Adam – both so he wasn’t lying on his injured shoulder, which ached in the wake of Adam’s justified anger, and so he didn’t have to look at his failures any longer.

_ In the morning this is just gonna be the Med-X, _ he told himself. _ I’m still done with this, but it’ll just be the Med-X, and I can go back to normal. _


	11. eleven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags:
> 
> Assault mention, suicide mention

It wasn’t just the Med-X. And Feral didn’t go back to normal.

Neither he nor Adam tried to talk beyond the most basic of necessities; they’d said their parts. Feral had lost. All that was left was the long walk, and the angry silence was something Adam was willing to suffer to get home. It was something Feral was willing to suffer to get it over with.

It was like this for days. Then a week. The closest they got to anything approaching to acknowledgement of the other was when they spent two careful days skirting around the remains of New York City; there were so many ghouls there that going anywhere near it was suicide, and the two of them had more than enough of death after New Haven.

Feral didn’t tell Adam what to do any longer. He barely spoke at all. He certainly didn’t _ touch _ Adam, avoiding everything but the absolute necessities, and even then going out of his way to find a way around it. It didn’t matter. Adam never looked him in the eye, so Feral was pretty sure Adam didn’t even know Feral was doing it.

Feral tried not to think of how little time had really passed. Weeks, that’s it, two and a half, maybe three, and Feral was – he didn’t even know. Not a changed man, because that implied some growth, some positivity, and Feral was barren of that. Of everything, really. But he wasn’t the same. And he had to live with that.

Above all else, what he regretted was a strange thing, a small thing: he wished he’d never said Lydia’s name aloud. He’d intended never to say it again, much less like he had; the only exception he’d made was for a dead man, because even Feral wasn’t heartless enough to deny his own flesh and blood the bare kindness of saying the child’s mother’s name, even if the child was well into his sixties. That was the last true kindness he’d intended to allow himself to give, because it was going to die with Shaun. 

He’d not stayed to watch the death. Shaun had wanted him to stay. Feral could say Lydia’s name to him, tell him stories about the mother he never got to have with the halting words of someone who didn’t know how to tell stories at all. But he couldn’t lose Lydia twice. Shaun had been willing to accept that, at least. Feral had left his nephew to die alone in a room of machines, because he was a coward who could break other people but couldn’t break himself.

He couldn’t fix himself, either. So he’d done everything that led him here, because his world was dead, the piece he’d still had was dead, and that was that. It didn’t make anything he did right. Feral didn’t think anything he’d done was right. He just didn’t care anymore.

So here he was. Getting what he deserved for all of his sins. He supposed this was how it was supposed to be from the beginning.

Philly was coming up, and Adam had remarked tonelessly that the raiders who’d taken him had avoided it, saying it was too well defended for a band as small as they still were. There were people there, apparently – traders – and the two of them needed supplies, so they’d agreed in as few words as possible that they would go inside. They were more than halfway to their destination; the next place of any real size was a small town Adam had pointed out, Canterbury Commons, which was about two weeks out on relatively well-travelled roads. From there it was less than a day’s walk to Megaton, and each of them would be free of the other.

Feral was surprised to find that Philly’s settlement was closer to a small city. As he and Adam passed through the welded walls, painted with sweeping murals of skylines Feral hadn’t seen in centuries, he was actually reminded of Diamond City back in Boston, people jarringly normal and calm compared to the events of the last few weeks. Even if a good number of them seemed to be walking around in beige robes like cultists of some kind, they were all just… normal people.

He and Adam also mutually (silently) decided ‘fuck it, we’ve earned it’ in the first united decision they’d made in days, and rented a room in the one place in town with private washrooms attached to each ‘suite’; Feral didn’t actually care all that much, he just wanted something that wasn’t a mattress on the floor. He wasn’t going to say no to an opportunity to get the grime of the road off his body – even with the cold snap having finally eased off, it was still far too cold to risk hypothermia just for a clean face. Or a clean anything else, really.

He tilted his head for Adam to go first, preferring to have some time to sit alone quietly without feeling compelled to rush; Adam would feel no such compulsion, so he should go first. Adam didn’t look at Feral’s face, only nodded and went. That was all Feral expected.

Feral took the time to care for his guns, carefully cleaning them as he took them apart and put them back together. Then – because Adam didn’t seem inclined to come out any time soon – he pulled Adam’s over to himself, caring for them not with Adam’s natural grace but with his own hard-earned, practised skill. When he finished, he set them back in the precise same position he’d found them in, then returned to his own things, sorting through his pack.

A few minutes after Feral had finished with Adam’s guns, Adam himself walked out of the washroom, wrapped in what appeared to be an honest to god clean towel. He paid no attention to Feral, which left Feral in the unenviable position of having to look at Adam as he passed.

He had a long way to go before he’d heal from the long-term effects of the conditions the raiders had kept him in, but the effects of regular, proper rest and actual meals were already showing; he didn’t look so frighteningly thin, anymore, just a little underfed. Sunlight had darkened his natural deep tan along his cheeks and nose, a few freckles starting to make themselves known, and his brown hair was in clean, sharp curls.

Feral looked away before Adam would see him watching. It wasn’t wanted, and Feral had finally had enough of doing things that were unwanted.

‘Go ahead,’ Adam said, pulling a clean(er) shirt on. ‘I’m just going to go see what they’ve got for food, and if it’s half as expensive as I think it is, I’ll just go out for something. I’ll be back eventually.’

Feral nodded; it was more than Adam had said in one go than he’d said in a while. ‘Stay safe,’ Feral said, getting to his feet.

Adam, who’d dressed in record time, shook his head as he pulled on his jacket. ‘Don’t pretend you care,’ he said, and was gone before Feral could respond.

Feral wanted, quite badly, to punch something. He refrained, because he didn’t want to pay for a hole in the wall.

The water was lukewarm at best, but Feral didn’t care; it was clean, it didn’t freeze on contact with his skin, and it was frankly the one thing that had felt good in days. God, this had been worth every cap. The bath was large enough that it was comfortable even for Feral’s long frame, and he felt no guilt whatsoever about draining the water and drawing another bath, just to be petty. And maybe to feel good for a little while longer. He had a feeling it would be the last time for a long time.

The door to the room opened, and the door to the washroom soon after; Adam poked his head in. ‘I brought you back something,’ he said after a brief pause. ‘It’ll be out here when you’re done.’

‘I’ll be out in a bit, then,’ Feral said, keeping his voice neutral, and after a second, Adam nodded and closed the door. Feral sighed and considered the water, seriously weighing the benefits of just drowning himself here and getting it over with.

The door opened again, and Feral pinched the bridge of his nose before looking up. ‘I said I’d be out in a…’

He trailed off, because Adam was stepping through the door, closing it behind him, and he was very pointedly not wearing anything. It was different, seeing him naked like this, expression complex and dangerous for that fact; Feral despised the way his cock twitched.

‘Adam –’

Adam stalked forward, then, and Feral froze as Adam climbed into the tub, taking advantage of the tub’s size to straddle Feral’s middle.

‘Fuck me,’ he said flatly. ‘Call me pet. Just do it.’

‘No,’ Feral said after a second to get himself under control. ‘I told you that it’s over, Adam. You’re done. You’re out. So no.’

‘So you can do it when I don’t want it, but won’t when I do?’

‘It ain’t about that –’

‘Then what is it about, Feral?’ Adam asked sharply. ‘Because I’d like to have one last fuck before this is over, and it’s not going to happen anywhere between here and Megaton. So tell me. What’s it about, Feral? Or do you only like it when I have no choice in it?’

‘Fuck off, Adam,’ Feral said. ‘I’m done. You won. That’s it.’

‘No, I didn’t fucking win,’ Adam replied. ‘I didn’t win _ anything, _ because you broke first, but you didn’t break in the way I wanted. Or a way I thought you could. And none of this is how it’s supposed to be. So you want to win, Feral? You’re winning. I want it back, so I can do this properly.’

‘No,’ Feral said, suddenly unspeakably tired. ‘I ain’t winning nothing. And you can try and take it, but all you’re gonna get from me is the same thing I got from you when I took it: nothing. You done it, Adam,’ he added, and laughed with no laughter behind it. ‘You pulled off what nobody else could. Proved that nothing taken is worth the cost of taking it. You always lose something. So I ain’t gonna get nothing from you, and you ain’t gonna get nothing from me. Not in the end. So get off me.’

‘No,’ Adam snapped, and it was a constant circle of _ no’_s between them, and nothing plus nothing wasn’t anything at all. ‘This isn’t how this is supposed to be happening, not for either of us. You’re not supposed to – you’re not supposed to sound like _ I _ did, for fuck’s sake!’

‘I don’t sound like you. You gotta hold everybody else’s sins. I gotta hold my own.’

‘Goddamn it, Feral, I’m trying to _ fix _ this!’

‘Ain’t nothing to fix.’

‘I’m telling you there is, asshole, so fucking _ listen _ to me,’ Adam said, fists clenched. ‘You’re a possessive piece of shit who did something that’s basically unforgivable.’

‘That’s my point. So get off me.’

‘And I’m not going to forgive you. And I’m not going to forget it.’

‘Congrats, you figured out what I been telling you this whole time. Get. Off. Me.’

‘But I want to get past it.’

Feral paused.

‘We’ve got two weeks before I get home,’ Adam said. ‘That’s it. And I’m going to stay there, and you’re going to leave. So we know this is ending, we know _ when _ it’s ending, and we know how long we’ve got. So let’s just – be this until it’s over. Fucked up until it’s done. After this I’m going to be trying to get better. Become somebody worth being, again. Become somebody worth more than you could ever fucking afford, because I’m worth more than this. And that’s your fault.’

‘…alright, you ain’t making a single lick of sense,’ Feral said slowly. ‘Are you feeling alright? Should we get you to a doctor?’

‘If you’d wanted to win the way you started out,’ Adam said, ‘then you should have _ never _ shown me any kindness at all. Not even a tiny bit. Because even if I was just a thing to be owned, it was still more than I’d been worth in years. I was worth _ something _ – the caps you spent because I needed it, the things I knew how to do that you could use. I was worth protecting from other people, and I was worth making sure I didn’t completely break down and finally just put a bullet in my own head, the way I should have done _ years _ ago.

‘And if I was worth that, then I wasn’t _ worthless_. It meant I wasn’t over and done with, and I at least had something to start from. I could work my way back up to being Adam again, and I’m not the same but I’m not broken either, and maybe I’m going to be enough for Moira to still think of as her little brother, instead of some – I don’t know. Some broken doll.

‘And that’s your fault. You didn’t fix me, or even do anything _ good _ for me, but you gave me that one fucking iota of even _ pretend _ kindness that I’d been without. So I’m going to be worth more than you. I’m going to be worth more than you owning me, and I’m going to deserve more than your pretend feelings and the little scraps of humanity that you thought were going to be enough to break me down. And this was supposed to happen differently – you were supposed to break when I left, break in a way _ nothing _ was ever going to fix, the way I nearly broke, and that was it. I would’ve finally gotten just a little of my own back from this piece of shit world that tried to take everything from me.’

‘Are you done?’ Feral asked. ‘I don’t know what you want from me, Adam. What, go back to how I was so you can break me different?’

Adam finally hesitated.

‘You can’t just put a plate back together just to see a brand new way it’ll shatter, Adam,’ he said. ‘Maybe it’ll break _ more,_ but it’s always gonna break along those same old lines. You don’t get do overs in the world. You just don’t. God knows I woulda done it by now, for a lot of things and a lot of people. I sure as hell wouldn’t have gone into that fucking Vault. I sure as hell wouldn’t be here. But that’s already broken, and I don’t get to remake it. You don’t get to remake this. You didn’t win the way you wanted, and I’m sorry. But it’s done.’

‘I don’t want it to be done.’

‘It already is.’

‘Goddamn it, Feral, give me _ one actual fucking thing I want from you!’ _

‘I’m sorry, Adam. But I can’t give you what I don’t got in the first place.’

Adam covered his face with his hands. ‘Why,’ he whispered. The bathwater was getting cold around them. The room was quiet. ‘Why can’t I ever get the thing I actually fucking want?’

Feral sighed. He sounded old, so much older than thirty-one. Maybe because he was.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Yeah. Me, too.’ Adam rubbed at his face, then looked at Feral again. ‘Can you tell me one thing?’

‘I can try. I owe you that much.’

‘Could I have won properly? _ Would _ I have won?’

Feral thought about it. ‘At the beginning, I woulda said there ain’t no way you could. I can’t say whether you _ woulda _ pulled it off. But I can say you coulda. So there’s that, at least.’

‘There’s that,’ Adam agreed in a whisper, then pushed himself up; Feral held still as Adam kissed his mouth. It was brief. Light. And Feral knew it was going to weigh on him for the rest of his life, however long he bothered to make that last.

‘I’m sorry we were so broken that neither of us could’ve won this,’ Adam said as he got off of Feral at last.

Feral smiled despite himself. ‘Nah, you shouldn't be sorry for nothing like this, and you ain’t even right, anyway,’ he said, and at Adam’s strange look, he shrugged. ‘Ain’t you ever heard? Strong men break. But you never broke. You bent. But you ain’t never broke.’


	12. twelve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags:
> 
> Death mention

Feral considered the array of junk at the trader’s stand carefully, hoping to find something that looked like it was a good enough reason to be avoiding the room he and Adam were sharing. He couldn’t deal with the listless way Adam was poking at the Pipboy, trying to distract himself; if he stayed in that room he was going to give in, and that would just break both of them. He’d let himself get soft, and let himself crack apart, but he’d promised he’d get Adam home. He couldn’t do that if he was the thing that finally made Adam break.

‘Excuse me!’

He looked to his right, already annoyed. It was one of the numerous people walking around in the vague-shade-of-white-brown robes. She was bright faced and eager, eyes all but sparkling, and Feral so badly wanted nothing to do with this that he seriously considered shoving her over. ‘Hello!’ she said in a significantly more cheerful voice than was probably socially acceptable. ‘My name is Amanda Cox, I was hoping to ask you a quick question!’

He sighed tiredly. ‘What is it? Make it fast.’

‘I couldn’t help but notice that when you arrived, it was with another man who had a Pipboy? Is there any way you can tell me where he is? I just want to ask him some questions about his version, I’m a bit of an enthusiast. I don’t think I’ve ever seen his kind of Pipboy before!’

‘It ain’t his,’ Feral said automatically, because the idea of someone bothering Adam over it didn’t sit right with him. ‘It’s mine.’

She somehow lit up brighter. ‘Oh, that’s so much better, then! I have so many questions! Are you a Vault dweller? Where are you from? How –’

‘Alright, I’m stopping this here,’ he said, exasperated. ‘I was a Vault dweller, which would be why I got a Pipboy, and that’s gonna be enough for you – **what do you think you’re doing.’**

Amanda smiled up at him from where she’d looped her arm through his, but then he felt something cold and hard press against his side, and he went still.

‘Come on,’ she said with a happy voice but cold eyes. ‘I’m sure I can get you to talk to me for a drink or two? I know just the place, let’s go!’

She jabbed his rib with the gun in emphasis.

‘Alright,’ he agreed, and as he let her steer him down past the stalls and into an alley, he cursed himself for letting his guard down for a single second – but blessed himself, too, for not letting her get anywhere near Adam. He’d just answer her stupid questions, get away, and grab Adam before they got him, too.

She chattered at him happily whenever they are near other people, but she was otherwise ominously silent, and wherever she taking him had more and more of the people in beige robes. He didn’t like that at all.

Finally she pulled him into a small pavilion where he was the only person not in the ugly things, and she marched him straight across to the almost entirely intact marble church.

‘Where the fuck are you taking me?’ he asked.

‘Straight to hell if you keep talking,’ she replied in a hard voice, pressing the gun into his side. He didn’t know what the _ fuck _ he’d been thinking, heading out without even his fucking pistol; he’d just been so desperate to get out of that room that he’d forgone basically everything except the caps in his jacket pocket.

Past the pews and praying people, heads all bowed to what looked like a large model city up where a pulpit usually was, and then down stairs. Down more stairs. Down into what looked like honest to god catacombs, and retrofitted cells in said catacombs; there was no one else in any of them, though, and she pushed him into the farthest cell at gunpoint.

‘Give me your jacket,’ she said, and he did. ‘Turn out all your pockets, then take off all of your clothes.’ He did that, too. ‘Smart man. Take a seat; Preserver Vail will be here soon. Probably.’

She locked the door to the cell and left. Feral sat down on the stone bench, hissing a little before hurriedly getting to his feet; damn thing was cold as hell, he wasn’t putting his bare ass on it.

‘Well,’ he said aloud, ‘This is bullshit.’

It didn’t change anything, but it _ did _ feel a little better after having said it. He just had to hope he could talk them into leaving Adam alone, because the damn Pipboy wasn’t even his and he shouldn’t have to deal with this. Feral would find a way out of this. He always did.

He wasn’t sure how long passed before he heard footsteps again; long enough that he was reconsidering that _ not sitting on the freezing stone _ resolution. There were quick, light taps coming his way, and he looked over as a short woman with shaved hair walked into sight, holding a bundle.

‘Hello,’ she said in a voice as cold and hard as the stone around them; Feral suspected this was as welcoming as her voice ever got. ‘I am Preserver Tamara Vail. These are for you.’

She dropped the bundle through the bars rather than give him a chance to get near her; fuckers were smart, he thought in annoyance, and picked the bundle up. It unfolded into a large set of the ugly robes, and he wrinkled his nose but pulled them on, because it was warmer than nothing.

‘You wanna tell me why y’all got me locked up,’ he said, without making it a question. ‘Because I ain’t done nothing, and I ain’t in the mood to humour whatever joke this might be.’

‘It isn’t a joke, I assure you. You are a Vault dweller, as Safeguard Cox said?’

He paused. ‘Is that why y’all fuckers shoved me in here? Because I’m from a _ Vault?’ _

‘Yes.’

‘It ain’t about the Pipboy?’ he pressed, doing his best to disguise the guarded relief he had at the implication.

‘No. We have many Pipboys; the one your companion has is in excellent condition, but we wouldn’t learn anything new from it.’ She smiled thinly. ‘Your companion will not be approached or otherwise accosted. _ If _ you work with me.’

Son of a bitch. Feral should’ve never done any of this at all. Should’ve just let Adam go at the first – made him stay at Nuka-World – said yes when he’d sat atop him in that goddamn tub –

‘Fine. What do y’all want from me?’

‘Which Vault are you from? Please don’t bother lying, that will only extend this ordeal for both of us.’

‘Vault 111.’

She paused. ‘I don’t know that one. Explain.’

‘Vault up in the Commonwealth. Failed experiment.’

‘What experiment?’

He grit his teeth, but sucked it up. ‘Cryogenics.’

‘…but it failed.’

‘Yes.’

‘How did it fail?’

‘Most everybody died.’

She watched him closely. ‘When were the occupants frozen?’

‘Day the bombs fell.’

Her expression became some disturbing mockery of excitement and delight; her face had never been made for the shape it was trying to take. ‘Are you saying you lived before the Great War?’

‘Yes.’

She laughed, and it sounded _ horrible. _ Which was impressive. Feral had heard some truly terrible things. ‘You’re from the Golden Days,’ she said, elated. ‘You’re – oh, this is perfect, this is too wonderful. We’ll have to test you, of course, to be sure you’re telling the truth, but this is _ ideal.’ _

‘…you’re gonna have to explain,’ he said, but he had a sinking feeling he knew.

‘What’s your name?’

‘Feral.’

‘…Now your real name.’

‘That is my real name.’

‘What was your name when you entered the Vault.’

‘The name of a dead man.’

‘Do I have to send someone to collect your companion in order to make you talk?’

Feral sighed, aggrieved, then told her.

‘Alright, Mr. McIntyre,’ she said, wisely using his last name. ‘Have you heard of the Cult of Ashes?’

He shook his head. ‘Only heard of one cult since I got outta the freezer, and that’s the one that thinks the bombs were a _ good _ thing. Crazy fuckers.’

‘Quite. The Cult of Ashes is very, very different from the Children of Atom. They revel in the destruction of the Golden Days; we mourn them, and seek to preserve as much of it as we can, from buildings to art to knowledge. Our scriptures are in the words of the Great Men who ruled the Golden Days; our salvation is in each piece of the world we return to its perfect state, before its genocide at the hands of those who didn’t know how precious what they held truly was.’

‘That’s nice. What’s that got to do with _ me?’ _

‘You, too, are a piece of the Golden Days, Mr. McIntyre. You can be studied and learned from. You must be preserved; you are the only resource of your kind –’

‘Talk to a fucking ghoul, then,’ he cut through. ‘Plenty of _ them _ were around before the War, y’all don’t need –’

‘They have been corrupted by the destruction the Golden Days suffered,’ she interrupted in turn. ‘And their memories clouded by the centuries passing. You? You are neither of those things. As I said: you must be _ preserved.’ _

‘I ain’t a fucking specimen,’ he snapped. 'And I ain't gonna be kept in here because y’all’re racists.'

‘No. You are a treasure. It’s alright, Mr. McIntyre,’ she said, and smiled. ‘You’ll come around eventually. No fears; we won’t touch your companion. But you will be staying with us. And staying here, until you’re willing to cooperate.’

It hit him, then. What this really was.

She stared at him as he started to chuckle softly before it grew to full-blown laughter. ‘Mr. McIntyre, I don’t see what’s so amusing about this.’

‘There ain’t, on y’all’s end,’ he said, starting to calm down. ‘It’s just – I ain’t helping you. Keep me as long as y'all like, I suppose. But this is what I get. This is what I fucking get.’

‘I don’t understand, Mr. McIntyre. Should I get a physician?’

‘Does your little cult believe in sin?’ he asked, looking at her.

‘Yes. There are many sins,’ she said, automatically warming up to the topic. ‘Principle among them are the Three Transgressions: the sin of destruction, the sin of deceit, and the sin of desecration. To break something of the Golden Days irreparably is an unpardonable sin. To purposefully discredit or misrepresent the glory of the Golden Days is an unpardonable sin. To defile the sanctity of the Golden Days is an unpardonable sin.’

‘So you could say it’s ‘breaking shit’, ‘lying’, and ‘violating shit’. That fair?’

She made a face but nodded. ‘In uncouth terms, yes. I suppose so.’

‘Then I’m two for three and I’m getting what I deserve,’ he replied. ‘Just – let him go. Trust me. I done enough.’

She hesitated, then. ‘I’ll admit, Mr. McIntyre, your increasing show of loyalty to him makes me reluctant to do that. He may be a valuable resource in making you cooperate.’

‘Y’all do anything to him and y’all ain’t getting nothing, _ nothing, _ from me,’ Feral said flatly.

‘Even if we were to hurt him in front of you?’

For the first time since he was fifteen years old, the man who’d become Feral lied. ‘No. Y’all ain’t never gonna get nothing from me. Even then.’

He just hoped Lydia could forgive him. It was the first morally ‘right’ thing he’d done in years, after all. She’d never been much one for sticking to morality, either, but she might still be proud of him for this one.

‘In return for letting him leave freely, you’ll cooperate?’

‘Y’all’re getting a broken man outta this deal,’ Feral said. ‘But I still got enough in me that I’ll try not to. That said. If you think y'all can win eventually, then that’s what you get from me.’

She sighed. ‘Very well, Mr. McIntyre. You will stay here until you choose to cooperate, but your companion can go free. Safeguard Cox will be down with some basic amenities, such as blankets, in the morning. You may choose to reconsider, by then.’

‘I won’t. But ain’t gonna blame y’all for trying.’

She sighed again, this time much more exasperated. ‘I will see you in the morning, Mr. McIntyre.’

She left, and he sat down on the bench; the only point he would willingly give these robes was that they were thick and warm.

‘Sorry, pet,’ he muttered into the darkness. ‘But I got you this far. And you didn’t break. So you’re gonna get home. I know you’re gonna.’

They were words that were never going to reach their intended recipient, but – like earlier, when he’d sworn just to get some of the frustration out – he felt a little better for having said them.

* * *

Feral settled in to wait them out. He knew he couldn’t do it forever, but he was going to do it as long as he could, almost to see if he could. Without Adam nearby to worry at the raw spot he’d made for himself in Feral’s… whatever a man like Feral could be said to have in place of a heart, Feral was finally able to start to pull himself back together. It was a process, of course, but it was one he’d done before; escaping ten years too late to help Lydia had been far, _ far _ worse, but that just meant that he knew what he was doing this time.

He stayed in the cell they initially kept him in, and didn’t point out that the ‘basic amenities’ they were bringing him were practically luxurious in other parts of the wasteland. Their eagerness to coax him into cooperation was really just setting their attempts back more and more. He'd know.

On the third day, Preserver Vail returned. ‘We thought you would like to know,’ she began without preamble, ‘that Adam Brown has departed after signing on with a caravan destined for Canterbury Commons, and not once was he approached by any of our members.’

Brown. Feral had never actually gotten his last name; it sort of cemented something in his head. Adam Brown. Headed home to a family he’d waited three, almost four years to see. A family Feral would have happily denied him if possible.

Damn Adam, but for all that he’d accused Feral of the sin of being human, it was Adam who’d tripped him down the road to remembering that himself. He sort of wished Adam hadn’t.

He thought about asking if Adam had bothered to try to find out what happened to him, but decided it wasn’t worth it. After their last conversation, he had no doubt Adam would think Feral had simply up and left; it was what Feral would’ve thought. If it wasn’t confirmed, then Feral didn’t have to deal with it.

‘Good. That’s good,’ he said slowly. ‘Alright. I’d say thank you, but since y’all’re keeping me prisoner…’

‘Only until you agree to work with us willingly.’

‘Funny. That’s what I said to him.’

‘...what?’

‘Don’t worry about it. Anything else, or can I go back to counting bricks in the ceiling?’

The Preserver frowned at him for a long moment, but as he ignored her, she left. He waited until he was alone, then sighed; it was relieved.

‘Guess I kinda did get you home, pet,’ he said aloud; he was developing the bad habit, but didn’t see much point in quelling it. He was going to be his only regular company for a long time. ‘I know I shouldn’t, but if it helps, I wish I’d said yes to that last time.’ Instead, he had to remember Adam demanding the one thing of him that he’d sworn he’d subject Adam to and ultimately didn’t have to give. ‘You really did win, though. Ain’t sure what I’d call this, but you got me to like you. Call you friend, even if I ain’t never managed to do it to your face. Ain’t never thought I’d be okay with losing, but for once, I think winning woulda been the worst ending for both of us.’

The catacombs were silent around him. For once, that was comforting.

* * *

Time passed, and Feral kept working on the art of putting himself back together. Solitude gave one a lot of time to think, and he’d spent a very long time not thinking. It had been easier. Still was. He was just tired of doing the easy thing.

There wasn’t anyone to forgive him anymore, but he finally bothered to try to figure out what he’d felt about the whole Shaun situation. It had been strange and haphazard – he wasn’t actually fully sure how it had all come about. He thought it had been more of a serendipitous event, for good or bad; he’d walked into the wrong building, got in a fight with a Courser, and won. Didn’t even realise what the poor bastard was until she recognised him. She lived because she convinced him she knew where his nephew was, and she had. Shaun had been unsurprised to find him alive; Feral sort of suspected Shaun was the reason he’d made it out of the Vault, but he’d never had it confirmed. Shaun had been surprised and uncomfortable with what he’d become, though.

It wasn’t as emotional a reunion as Shaun had clearly hoped for, but Feral hadn’t had emotions since he’d woken up and let himself descend into the kind of person this world was made for. It had been a conscious choice, and Feral accepted that. Shaun hadn’t, but there was nothing Shaun could do about it, and he was dying. Feral got there at the tail end of it. Then left before he could see it through.

Ultimately, Feral decided there _ was _ actually grief mixed in with his memories of it all. And regret. He wished he’d been braver and stayed. He didn’t want to lose Lydia twice. Instead, he’d let her son lose his mother and uncle both. Lydia would have slapped him for that, and he would’ve deserved it.

It meant nothing, but he apologised to Shaun aloud. The dead were dead but for the false ghosts he carried with him, and those could absolve him of nothing. At least he’d said it. Acknowledged it. That had to be good enough for Feral, and with no other choice, it was.

* * *

It took longer for him to be willing to approach the thought of Lydia. He wasn’t surprised. After all, he’d intended to never approach the thought at all. With her memory came all the rest of them. He wished they didn’t, but Lydia had been full force at all times, never giving less than a hundred percent of herself to everything she did. It was sort of unsurprising then that her memory refused to do less.

After their parents died, Lydia became his world. He’d never been good with people – he’d been born angry, his father once said, in a strange mix of pride and resignation. Sometimes, the world just put all its anger in one place; it gave that person a chance to rise above it.

He never did. Not for anyone but Lydia.

He’d been fifteen; she’d just turned eight. No one could take them, so he did the job himself, and the two of them lived by the little work that he could find and her light fingers in rich men's pockets as he distracted them. Joined the army when he was twenty-four, because she was just old enough to care for herself if the worst happened, and he liked the idea of the two of them no longer scraping by. Transferred from his first base in the Gulf Commonwealth up to the New England Commonwealth two years later and never looked back. Made enough to settle in a small suburb north of Concord, because it was just the two of them, and neither of them were racking up expenses like education.

Lydia was happy to work as a waitress on the other side of Concord, and he didn’t worry about if she’d be unable to care for herself when he was deployed to the north. His pay boosted once he was in the line of fire, and he sent almost all of it home anyway.

2073 to 2076, he was in Alaska. 2074, she told him she had a boyfriend. 2075, they’d married, and she was pregnant. 2076, he was discharged, and he’d not even had the chance to tell her before she told him her husband had ran out on her, and he barely managed to get there a day before she had her baby. Lydia had always, in a lot of ways, been stronger than Feral. He went home and found her soul beaten but not broken, and he didn’t bother to care about other people anymore, but he’d always cared about her. When he found her head held high, he was pretty sure it was the proudest he’d ever been in his life. And the angriest. But he could put that aside for her.

Vault-Tec hadn’t seemed to care he’d been dishonourably discharged, and he’d picked up a job as a security guard down in Concord, so they’d gotten by. Lydia was smarter than Feral, and certainly smarter than her absent husband, because she’d put most of Feral’s pay in a bank account with only his and her name.

The bombs fell, and they got to the Vault in time. He wished only she had done so, but that was out of his hands, and he finally had to accept that.

He’d watched her get in her pod and thought he’d see her in a few minutes; what felt like a few minutes later, he did – only to watch his baby sister, the only person he’d bothered to let matter other than her son, the person he’d spent over half his life trying to keep safe, throw a punch at the man trying to take Shaun and take a bullet to the brain for it.

He’d ultimately failed, because Feral always did. But… laying here, in a catacomb over two centuries and change later, Feral finally let go of it. He’d failed. He’d failed at everything that had come before, and what came after, too. But that was what he had, and it was what he got to live with, and anything less than living – even in the worst of scenarios, and kept in a cell like a pampered animal for the rest of his life was hardly the worst – would be willingly failing Lydia. And he’d never once, in his _ life, _ chosen to fail.

So he put up with it. He _ would _ put up with it.

Something that had been splintered inside him since he’d pushed free of that pod did the closest thing to healing that grief could ever manage.

He was okay with that. 

* * *

It took much longer, somehow, to be willing to face the question of Adam. Feral supposed it was because that fuck up of his was much closer in memory, and something that was utterly his fault. There was no Great War to blame, no Institute, nothing. Just himself. As it should be.

It was a month and a half, almost two, from his initial capture before he finally made himself consider it in its entirety, instead of worrying at it in the edges of his mind like exploring the space left by a missing tooth. It helped that he knew by then Adam would be home. He’d already been safely out of Feral’s reach, but there was a finality to knowing Adam was in Megaton at last. 

In the wake of the loss of his world, Feral had let the anger that had always been inside him take over. He’d always had the capacity to be a monster; men like him always did. He’d been held in check by his sister, and without her, he no longer had an excuse to refrain from his own innate monstrosity. Innate or not, the monstrosity was no excuse for what he did: unforgivable. Irreparable. Unspeakable, and Lydia would have been ashamed, but Lydia was dead, and so was Feral, so Feral didn’t care. Sins of his cowardice could be forgivable. Sins of his failures could be forgivable.

The sins of the kind he’d visited as revenge were not. Could not. And that was going to have to be enough for him, to know the hatred of men like Adam was well deserved. That culpability was Feral’s, like his failures, like his anger. Maybe like the little good he’d done in the world, maybe like the few genuine kindnesses he’d managed over the course of his life.

There’d been a man like Adam, once. Sort of. William. Tennessee, he’d called himself, though Tennessee had been absorbed into the East Central Commonwealth for years, like Feral’s Louisiana had been absorbed into the Gulf Commonwealth. He’d been amusing, clever; they’d met at a bar in Alaska on one of the rare days of leave Feral got during that time. His skin had practically been ghost white, his hair some indeterminate shade between straight blonde and straight red. He’d laughed like he’d never known winter and he’d kissed like summer hid behind his smile. It hadn’t lasted for more than a night or two – couldn’t. Unsafe for both of them. But for a little while, Feral thought he could feel his heart twitch a little. Maybe. The sensation of a possible destination, not the beginning of a journey. But it was over before it could be more than that twitch in the left side of Feral’s chest.

Adam, in comparison, had weeks to make a place for himself, and clearly, that had been enough. Even all of the awfulness between the two of them, the dismissiveness and the hatefulness, the control and the rebellion, Adam’s reluctant concessions to physical pleasure and Feral’s obstinate refusal of emotional attachment – Adam had still made a place for himself. Painful, unwanted on both sides, wrong in a dozen different ways and bad for both of them, but it had happened anyway.

Feral didn’t call it love. He considered it; he ultimately decided that didn’t apply. Love was supposed to be a good thing. Men like Feral did not get good things, and men like Adam deserved them, so whatever it was, it wasn’t that. But it was something more than Feral had ever had and more than Adam had in years. So positive or not, healthy or not, it had meant something.

That was enough, Feral decided. It was more than nothing. It wasn’t worthless.

That was enough.

* * *

Two and a half months, and the Cult of Ashes was getting impatient with him, Feral knew. Good. Something would change soon, at least. He could take whatever they threw at him, and at least it would be different. He’d built himself back into himself as much as he ever could, he thought. Different. Broken, still. But closer than before. And even if it was held together by prayers and spite, even a broken thing could still work as long as it was held together.

Footsteps he didn’t recognise, now: heavier. Boots. Someone angry. Excellent; something new at least.

‘Unless you’re here to shoot me, you ain’t gotta bother,’ he said idly as they approached. ‘You ain’t got nothing from me this far and you ain’t gonna start now. You can try, though.’

‘Like hell I’m getting nothing from you,’ he heard, and froze. ‘You owe me too much, you bastard. Besides, this is twice, and you can bet I’m keeping count.’

He shoved himself up. Standing beyond the cell bars, angrier than he’d ever seen him, face fuller but still harder than it should ever be, was Adam.


	13. thirteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags:
> 
> Assault mention

‘What the fuck.’

‘Remember New Haven? Yeah, same rule,’ Adam said flatly, and pulled out a bobby pin before getting to work on the lock. ‘Save your questions for later. Also? That robe is _ ugly _on you.’

‘Ain’t no prettier on nobody else,’ Feral replied automatically.

‘Yeah, well, the last time I saw you, you were much more attractive, and I’ll admit – kinda disappointed, tough guy.’ Adam continued to wrestle with the lock as Feral got to his feet. ‘You got a little soft, though. I think I get to call you a bear now. So that’s not bad.’

‘Ain’t room in here to work out. And I ain’t work out in the first place, life does that for me.’

‘Yeah? What did you do, tough guy? Stare at the ceiling and pretend to repent?’

‘Wasn’t pretending,’ Feral said quietly as Adam finally popped the door open; Adam looked up at that, startled. ‘Don’t matter right now. You said I ain’t getting to ask no questions, but I only got so much patience, so if you ain’t here to kill me, then we should get moving.’

‘You caught me,’ Adam said dryly. ‘Broke into a fortified church of crazies just to kill you myself. I’d be justified, but no. Come on.’

‘Do I get to ask where we’re going, or is that one off limits, too?’

‘Well, imprisoned for a few months did something for your humour, you’ve got the ghost of it now. We’re getting out of here as quickly as possible, because Moira’s damn mole rats are only going to cause chaos for so long.’

‘...mole rats?’

‘Well, they’re not hers, technically, but the lure shit she’s made for them basically does it for her, and at this point I’m not going to question the way she’s apparently gotten ‘animal whisper’ powers in the last four years. And when the entirety of a destroyed city’s mole rat population descends on one point, turns out people get pretty distracted. Which reminds me –’

He pulled a bottle out of his pocket, unscrewed the cap to release a godawful smell, and splashed the liquid on Feral’s shoulder.

_ ‘Christ, _Adam, the fuck is that?’

‘Be glad you’re so tall or I would have dumped it on your head,’ Adam replied. ‘It’s a repellent mix, it means we can get out of here without the mole rats trying to eat us, too. What, can’t put up with a bad smell, tough guy?’

‘Going home just made you mouthier, huh?’

‘Weird what freedom does for you. I swear less, at least, Moira probably would’ve strangled me by now if I didn’t.’

He had been leading Feral through the halls and stairs of the church, and Feral could hear the chaos above, now – screams, both animal and human, and the tunnelling sounds of mole rats passing through the earth.

‘Sorry, tough guy, but we’re going to have to run, and we’re not going to have a chance to let you put on your things until we’re way the fuck out of here. Snow’s going to be hell on your feet.’

‘Better than staying here.’

‘Truth. Alright, when we hit the ground floor we take off, so follow me and try not to fall behind – if they’ve kept you in there the entire time, you’re going to have more trouble than you probably think you will, got it?’

Feral nodded, and Adam squinted at him. ‘God, I hope you start acting normal once we’re out of here,’ he said, his tone of voice indecipherable to Feral, but shook his head. ‘Okay. _ Go.’ _

They hit the top stair and Adam was off like a shot, precisely as fast as his size and build would make someone think he would be. Feral kept up by sheer length of stride and willpower, but it was still a little disconcerting.

The two of them leapt out of the front door into an absolute madhouse, cultists screaming and trying to beat back a monstrous knot of pink and glowing green mole rats. Feral had never seen so many in one place before, and frankly hoped he never would again, but other than a brief turn in his direction the mole rats ignored him and Adam completely.

Adam hung a left immediately after the door, Feral barely managing to skid into the turn and nearly falling from the wet snow – it wasn’t even the months of inactivity, Adam was just distinctly more graceful than Feral had ever been. He kept up anyway as Adam darted into an alley, looping around the outside of the pavilion towards the market. Ahead, he could see people streaming away from the scene, quite reasonably, but there were _ significantly _ more than Feral had even thought were in the city. The crowd roiled almost as much as the mole rats were fleeing, and Feral had to ignore them. He could easily lose Adam in the morass and never find him again.

He could have, anyway, but Adam reached back without turning around and it was completely instinctual to catch his hand. They held onto one another mere seconds before Adam dove into the crowd, and Feral was probably going to bruise Adam’s hand from how tightly he held it, but it was better than letting him go. The river of living bodies finally spilled out through the wide doors in the walls of Philly, and though some pooled together, Adam didn’t let go of Feral, speeding off down I-91 like the mole rats were still on his ass. The snow did little to cushion the rough pavement beneath Feral’s feet, and he could feel it tearing into his skin, but he ignored that. It didn’t matter. Wherever Adam was trying to get like a bat out of hell was more important, by far.

It was only a few minutes farther – a small encampment, a few tents and a decent fire in a cinder-block pit, and two or three people sitting around it; one was a woman already getting to her feet, and when Adam and Feral finally came to a stop within the circle of tents, panting like pack brahmin pushed too hard, she reached out and grabbed Adam into a tight hug.

‘So, how did it work?’ she asked excitedly, stepping back to consider him with a bright grin. She was paler than he was, and her hair a lighter brown, but they had similar features. Moira, Feral supposed. ‘The mole rat lure, I mean.’

‘Gee, Moira, I’m perfectly uninjured and actually pulled it off, thanks for asking,’ Adam replied, confirming Feral’s guess. ‘And it’s not like Lucy or Rory could tell you that it worked. They got in and out before me, like they were supposed to.’

‘Yeah, but they weren’t in the _ thick _ of it!’ Moira protested. ‘You have to tell me everything –’

‘Hey,’ Feral heard, and looked over; the second woman, blonde hair bright against her ragged knit cap, was holding out a bundle of cloth to him. ‘We got as much of your stuff as they kept,’ she said quietly as Moira continued to grill the increasingly exasperated Adam. ‘Looks like they took good care of it.’

Feral nodded, looking at her with a frown; she fidgeted. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘Did I say something wrong?’

‘No, you ain’t – you’re fine,’ Feral said awkwardly, taking the bundle; much to his personal annoyance, he didn’t really know how to talk as this… new him. What he was supposed to say to new people. What expressions to make. ‘I just – don’t know what’s going on. Ain’t mean to…’

‘Okay,’ the woman said, relaxing. ‘Adam _ did _ say you had a scary face. I’m Lucy West.’

Feral nodded again, not sure how to be polite in this situation; historically, he just told people to fuck off. ‘Right. I’ll just –’

‘Oh shit, you’re bleeding,’ she said as she looked down, voice startled; Feral had already known, shrugging as Adam whipped around in his peripheral vision.

‘Ain’t no problem, I can deal with it in a minute,’ he said calmly. It was hardly the most pain he’d ever been in – New Haven beat it by a far mile.

Ignoring her protests, he walked around the nearest tent, not really needing the privacy but suspecting it would probably be appreciated by the others, and ignored the bitter cold as he pulled off the long hated (and now foul) beige robes and started to dress himself in his own clothes at last. For all that Adam had accused him of softening, Feral found that he’d lost some weight. Now that he thought about it, he wasn’t actually surprised – he’d never had much of an appetite, much less sitting in a cell. At least his clothes were clean, he thought, and though he didn’t bother to look at his feet closely, it wasn’t bleeding bad enough that he was worried about pulling on the socks and shoving his feet back into his boots. He _ did _ huff at how his hair had gotten longer, and thought that had they not let him use a razor about once a week, he’d have had a beard as long as any old man’s. He just had stubble at the moment, so he at least didn’t feel like a complete wild man.

He found that his things had been kept in his pockets, which was a little surprising, but he wasn’t going to complain – it meant he could pull out one of the thin strips of radstag leather he kept on hand and tie back his hair as he walked back around the tent.

He pulled on every ounce of stoicism he’d ever had in his life to not react to the way all four people were waiting for him. Well, three people were waiting for him; Adam was glaring at him, which Feral didn’t understand but at this point wasn’t really his business.

‘Don’t mind saying thanks,’ he said as he finished with the knot, ‘but can’t lie, don’t understand what’s going on worth shit.’

‘Well, if it was up to most of us,’ Moira said cheerfully, ‘we would have left you to rot.’

Feral left his expression unchanged. ‘Wouldn’t blame y’all none for that. It ain’t no answer, though.’

‘No, seriously,’ the man currently sitting between Lucy and Adam said, his expression quickly growing into a scowl that somehow managed to eclipse Adam’s. ‘I still think we should’ve.’

‘Again. Ain’t gonna blame y’all none. But I still ain’t understanding, and y’all ain’t clearing nothing up.’

Lucy sighed. ‘Since I’m the only one who can bother to set aside hating you for the necessary couple of minutes to explain,’ she said, and to her credit her voice didn’t communicate that she hated him at all, ‘we’re here because of Adam.’

‘Ain’t mean to be a dick, but I sorta assumed. Ain’t none of y’all know me, and y’all been clear that y’all ain’t happy to be here.’

‘I didn’t know what happened,’ Adam said, and Feral looked at him at last. ‘When you didn’t come back, not even for your stuff. I asked around, but as far as anyone knew, you’d just walked off late that night.’

Well. Feral supposed that at least he knew Adam had looked for him.

‘When you didn’t show up, I assumed you’d fucked off, and I’d been expecting it, so…’ he shrugged. ‘Signed on with a caravan and went home.’

‘Good.’

Adam blinked at that. ‘What?’

‘Well, that was the whole point of this, ain’t it?’ Feral pointed out.

‘Among others,’ the man said venomously.

‘Rory,’ Lucy said admonishingly, and Rory subsided.

‘I’m just gonna assume he told y’all everything, so yes. Among other things. I already tried my apologising, and he was right, it ain’t worth shit. So y’all ain’t gonna get nothing new from me, neither.’

Rory continued to glare at him; Feral deemed it unimportant and ignored it.

‘So you got home. Shoulda been the end of it. What in the hell are you back here for?’

‘I didn’t know much about the Cult of Ashes,’ Adam replied. ‘There were a few that came with our caravan. They pass through, from time to time. I didn’t really think about it. Two weeks ago I saw someone from the caravan, we started talking, and it came up. You know. The whole…’

‘Yeah, worshipping shit from before the War.’

‘She said there’s this boogeyman story, that they take people sometimes – people who know a lot about before the War, or have something from then, that kind of stuff. And it clicked together.’ He tilted his head at Feral, still angry but more curious now. ‘How’d they even find out?’

‘Find out… what?’ asked Moira, and Adam winced.

‘Ah,’ said Feral. ‘Ain’t told them _ everything, _ I take it.’

‘Adam,’ Moira said, voice ominous. ‘What didn’t you tell me.’

‘Look, it felt weird,’ Adam said defensively. ‘And it’s not like you would’ve believed me anyway, and I didn’t have a way to prove it, so I just – didn’t mention it.’

_ ‘Adam.’ _

Feral sighed. ‘Ain’t mean to get in a family argument, but I’m ending this here,’ he sighed as Moira turned and looked at him. ‘I was in a Vault. 111. The big experiment of the day was cryogenics, so I got stuffed in a space pod and frozen until about two, three years ago.’

‘...You’re from before the Great War,’ Rory repeated in disbelief, and Feral couldn’t keep from rolling his eyes.

‘Yeah, and so ain’t most ghouls, so it ain’t nothing special. Cultists are racist pricks, so a ghoul ain’t good enough. I just don’t talk about it much, because there ain’t no point. I’m here now, shame though it is, and there ain’t nothing that can change that but a deathclaw or a bullet, so it ain’t no big deal.’

‘It’d be an improvement,’ Rory muttered.

‘Promise you, if I’d known I was gonna get frozen like a Christmas turkey, I woulda rather let the scientists take me out then and there, or just woulda not gotten in the damn Vault in time. You ain’t putting forth no new information, so say what you want. You ain’t gonna hurt my feelings and you ain’t gonna get no satisfaction.’

‘I would if I shot you.’

** _‘Rory,’_ ** Lucy said sharply.

‘Go ahead,’ Feral said. ‘Try. You probably got a gun on you, and I don’t. But if you try, you better fucking make it count. Ain’t got much but the breath in my lungs, and if it’s what I get to try to keep, then I’m trying to keep it. And it ain’t nearly as hard to break a neck as people think.’

‘No one is shooting _ anyone, _ for fuck’s sake,’ Adam said, throwing his hands in the air. ‘I’m not wasting a two week trip just so you can try to impress me by killing him, Rory, so knock it off.’

Rory flushed dark enough that it was visible even in the flickering firelight. ‘I’m not –’

‘Shut it, Rory, I have eyes and I’m not dealing with this today,’ Adam said, rubbing his temple, and Feral strangled down the instinctive response of anger, _ jealousy, _ because he didn’t own Adam. He’d never really owned Adam. And he didn’t want to, now. ‘So how did they even find out? You look like just about every other wastelander.’

‘If prettier,’ Lucy said, and shrugged when the others looked at her. ‘I’m not wrong. I’m stating facts.’

‘Okay, can we all knock off our fucking hate-ons or thirst for _ five fucking minutes,’ _ Adam snapped, looking furious and glaring with no little venom at Lucy. ‘Feral. How.’

Feral shrugged. ‘Asked me where you were, because of the Pipboy I gave you,’ and everyone in front of Feral paused. ‘It was originally mine, and said so. They started to ask me questions, mentioned I was in a Vault to try to get them off my back, and got a gun against my ribs for the trouble. They pulled me off, said I was more valuable than the Pipboy, and they were willing to let you go off without a fuss if I didn’t raise hell. Wasn’t a hard choice.’

Adam stared at him, face unreadable.

‘Okay, that has to be bullshit,’ Rory said at last. ‘You’re just making shit up so we won’t kill you here.’

‘It’s not bullshit,’ Adam said quietly, and the others looked at him; he didn’t look away from Feral. ‘He doesn’t lie. He does a lot of fucked up shit. But he doesn’t lie.’

Feral shrugged, knowing this would break the defence Adam was giving him, and said, ‘Lied once. They asked if it would bother me if they just beat the shit outta you in front of me, and I said no.’

‘Okay, now we _ know _ he’s lying,’ Rory said angrily. ‘He even admitted it, he lies.’

‘Ain’t sure what the point of pulling me out was if y’all just wanted to kill me yourselves.’ Feral paused. ‘I take that back, that one makes sense.’

‘I didn’t come up here to kill you,’ Adam said. ‘It – there’s a lot of… god, Feral. What happened…’

‘I know. Much as I can, at least,’ Feral said, and watched Adam elbow Rory as the man opened his mouth.

‘But – you know. If they’d taken you… I guess I just wanted to know if you did actually leave me here or not.’ Adam shrugged helplessly. ‘And I’m not you. I don’t think it’s okay to just do the same thing to you that happened to me. Or let it happen to you.’

Feral snorted. ‘Nah, I ain’t laughing at you,’ he said when Adam returned to glaring. ‘It wasn’t nowhere near what you got, p – Adam. Not even in the same ballpark.’

‘You would’ve just… stayed there? Forever?’

‘Until they got sick enough of not getting shit that they shot me, yeah. Wasn’t the worst place I been, and…’ Feral trailed off, then shook his head; apologies did nothing. There were some debts that couldn’t be paid, and even if he owed it, he’d seen by now that he shouldn’t say so. ‘It don’t matter,’ he said at Adam’s look. ‘Point is, thanks for getting me out. But I should probably head out soon.’

‘Wait, what?’ Moira said, looking bewildered. ‘We _ literally _ just got you out –’

‘You’re probably still bleeding,’ Lucy pointed out.

Adam was just staring at him.

‘What point is there to staying?’ Feral replied. ‘Can’t never pay a debt like this, and it’s insulting to try. You got the answer you needed. And if those idiots survive, it ain’t gonna be long until they realise their prize ain’t in the lockbox, no more. Better to get moving now, and it ain’t gonna hurt me none to push a little farther tonight.’

‘Where are you going?’ Adam asked, expression indecipherable again.

‘North, probably,’ Feral said with a shrug. ‘Might head west. Commonwealth ain’t got nothing for me but ghosts, and I’m tired of carrying mine around.’

‘So you’re just going to leave?’

‘Yes, Adam,’ Feral said. ‘I’m just gonna leave. Ain’t nothing you oughtta get broke up over, not even a little bit. You were always gonna stay in Megaton, you know that. And you won.’

‘Won?’ Rory repeated, looking from Feral to Adam and back again. ‘What is he talking about?’

‘No,’ Adam said, ignoring Rory. ‘I beat you. I didn’t win.’

Feral raised an eyebrow at him. ‘You wanna point out where in that sentence I stuttered?’

Adam stared at him, eyes wider then before, as Rory snarled at Feral.

‘You don’t get to be an ass on top of all this –’

‘I ain’t gonna be nothing, in a moment,’ Feral said, pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘You said y’all got most of my stuff back? Was my bag on that list?’

‘Yes,’ Lucy said, ‘Weapons and all, surprisingly.’ She wasn’t looking at him; she was looking at Adam with concern, as Adam’s face kept getting worse, more and more stricken, more and more stunned.

‘They were probably holding it to dangle over my head eventually,’ Feral said with a shrug. ‘Alright. You left it over there?’

‘That’s it.’

‘Alright. Thanks again,’ Feral said, and slung his pack over his shoulder; he wasn’t sure if it was missing things, or if he hadn’t been as affected as he’d thought he had by his inactivity, but it didn’t feel all that heavier. The only heavy things on Feral now were his sins. ‘Get home safe,’ he said, and found a grin inside himself; all it did was make Adam look worse, though. ‘Don’t waste no more of your time than you already did.’

And with that, Feral turned, squared his shoulders, and started to follow the road north.


	14. fourteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags:
> 
> Breathplay, assault mention, cannibalism mention (though if you recognised Lucy you knew it was coming)

He didn’t get as far as he’d hoped that night, but there wasn’t anyone coming after him from Philly, so he’d take it. Lucy hadn’t been kidding when she said the cultists had left almost all of his things alone, at least – he found an abandoned house off to the side of the road with enough of a roof to have kept away the snow, and was able to set up with a bedroll pretty comfortably. He ignored that somehow he’d ended up with two. Cultists must have mixed something up when they went and collected his things. It just meant something he could sell at the next settlement he might pass.

He couldn’t sleep, because his brain was still too thrown off by everything, but he was free. He was out. Of all people, Adam had come for him, and that added to a debt Feral would never be able to pay, but since he wasn’t going to bother paying with anything save his absence, he supposed that was fine.

His mind might be racing, but he sort of thought that this was the most peaceful he’d felt in years. There was nothing he could do. He’d lost. The world got the better of him. He’d move on.

He considered where he might go next, then realised that it might be nice to head home. Not the Commonwealth, but _ home _ – he’d heard a few times that there was a stretch of space down in the old northern Mississippi/Louisiana/Tennessee area that was going by Dixieland, these days. Might find a place down there. Some kind of caravan work. He wasn’t a farmer and never would be, and he wasn’t exactly the civilised type, so settling in a city wouldn’t do him any good. But it might be nice to hear people like him again, if they still talked like this. Ghouls would probably remember shit _ he _ could remember, and maybe for the first time in his fucking life he might try to do something like make an actual friend that he didn’t hurt beforehand. Or a friend at all, come to think of it.

It sounded… nice, actually. Not ideal, because the ideal couldn’t happen, but nice.

It took him a long second to realise what he was hearing, but by the time his exhausted, overworked mind really registered it, it was too late. Someone dropped atop him, pinning him in his bedroll to the floor, and Feral immediately began to struggle. He’d just gotten his hands on their thin shoulders when he went still; their hand was wrapped around his throat. Not tight enough to stop his breathing, but heavy enough as a warning.

He didn’t move as they moved some things around to the side of them, eventually turning on the little lantern; they needn’t have bothered. Feral knew that hand.

‘The fuck are you doing here, Adam,’ he asked tiredly as the bulb flickered to life.

‘The stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life, probably,’ Adam replied, ‘but it’s the one I want, and what’s the fucking point of morality or goodness or any of it if all it’s doing is making me miserable?’

‘Adam…’

‘I am pet, to you,’ Adam said. ‘I miss it. At the end, it didn’t mean what it started as. It doesn’t bother me, because it’s different. I want it. I miss it. Please.’

Feral swallowed. ‘I don’t think I can, Adam. Ain’t got it in me no more. Can’t do it to you.’

‘I won,’ Adam replied. ‘You said I won. Full stop. You meant that.’

‘Yeah. I did.’

‘You like me?’

Feral snorted. ‘Probably liked you from the beginning, and you already knew that. Too likeable for your own good.’

‘You love me?’

Feral hesitated. ‘I don’t think I can call it that,’ he said at last. ‘Don’t sound right. Love’s – it’s supposed to be a good thing, ain’t it? And I ain’t never gave you nothing good. But it’s close as I can get.’

‘Fuck that,’ Adam said. ‘‘Close as you can get’, my ass. Just because you’re fucked up and I’m fucked up doesn’t mean words stop meaning what they mean. Do. You. Love me?’

Well. Going by that frame of mind.

‘Yes.’

All of the air left Adam at once, his frame shaking atop Feral like a leaf on the wind. ‘Then stop this, and let us both win,’ he said, and Feral frowned.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘We can both win this, Feral,’ Adam insisted. ‘We _ can. _ If I got you to love me, I won. If you get me to choose to stay with you, belong to you, you win, right?’

‘I don’t wanna win under those terms, Adam.’

‘Then let me change the terms, because everything’s been changing and if you want to start making up for what this started as, then you’re going to let me have some goddamn input,’ Adam said, fierce. ‘I want to choose to stay with you. And I can shift that ‘belonging’ wording to something that works: I want to choose to belong _ with _ you. Equal. Even. Every time, from now on, and at times you might be in charge and at times I might be, but I am never less. Never again. And neither are you.’

Feral just tried to breathe. ‘I don’t – this ain’t something you make up for. It ain’t something I deserve. Especially not from you.’

‘Maybe you can’t make up for it,’ replied Adam. ‘Maybe it isn’t something you deserve. That doesn’t stop me from choosing to give it to you, anyway. You made me like it. But you didn’t make me _ want _ it. That’s me, now. I’ve had months to think about it, to pull apart what parts were you influencing me and which parts I can call mine. And these are the parts that are mine. So let me have them. Let me have this.’

Feral closed his eyes. In the depths of his mind he whispered a prayer for forgiveness, because he didn’t believe in a god and he didn’t believe in ghosts, but he believed in his own, and maybe, _ maybe, _ Lydia could forgive him this, too.

‘Alright, pet,’ he murmured. ‘Alright. I –’

Adam didn’t bother to let him say anything else, just dropped down and kissed him like he needed it more than air. Feral tried to stay calm, to handle this normally, or however a normal person should, but he was still himself. He would always have his own body. His own nature.

He grabbed Adam and crushed his body to his own, arching up in his bedroll because five seconds of Adam’s tongue touching his was enough to leave him blindingly hard. All Adam did was moan, spreading his legs wider so more of his weight was against Feral, and even through the thick barriers of their clothes and the bedroll, it was impossible to deny Adam’s cock against his.

He scrambled to unzip the bag, and Adam had sharper eyes than Feral did, because a quick scan had him finding his old bedroll. ‘Help me,’ he commanded, ‘it’s too fucking cold, otherwise, so come on –’

Feral realised what Adam meant to do and so flung his bedroll open, zipping it together with the second one on one side and Adam taking over for the other. The two of them now at least a _ little _ protected from the cold, Adam tore off his jacket – Feral actually heard a seam rip – and started in on the rest of his clothes. At the moment he was kneeling beside Feral, still under the covers, and so Feral could move to take off the clothes he still had on. He grit his teeth as his pants dragged over his cock but didn’t manage to silence his groan; Adam moaned back, even though at the moment he was still pulling off his shirt.

‘Do you have any fucking clue how hot that is,’ Adam panted, wriggling free of his jeans as Feral tossed his own from the roll. _ ‘Any _ clue at all? Because Jesus fucking _ Christ, _ babe, every fucking time you make a single fucking sound –’

Feral jolted at the careless _ babe _ that dropped from Adam’s mouth, and the second that Adam was free of his pants he pulled him over, dragging Adam atop himself. Adam shoved apart Feral’s thighs so he could prop himself up between them, and Feral bent his legs, spreading them wider as Adam grabbed his face and kissed him again. Feral lifted his hips and Adam gave a soft but unmistakable shout, drowning it in Feral’s mouth as he thrust, their cocks rubbing together.

‘Pet,’ Feral whispered, and Adam dug his fingers into Feral’s hair, pulling his head back. ‘Fuck, pet – please –’

‘God, don’t say please right now or I’m just going to come,’ Adam panted, then pressed his lips to Feral’s exposed throat, kissing, sucking, _ biting, _ and god, Feral –

He let go, the way only Adam had ever made him.

He thrust up single-mindedly against Adam’s hips, his hands falling to grip Adam’s ass and knead the firm muscle there, shove Adam’s body harder against his own. Adam kept moaning into Feral’s skin, his hand in Feral’s hair starting to ache as he clung with his other.

Then he pushed himself up, and Feral would have protested if Adam had left him the bare second to do so. Instead, Adam immediately began thrusting again, cock beside Feral’s, and his right hand closed around Feral’s throat. Feral groaned helplessly as Adam squeezed, gentle but insistent.

‘Fuck, _ pet _ –’

‘Again,’ Adam chanted, ‘Again, again again again, say it, call me it, please –’

_ ‘Pet –’_

‘Fuck, just like that, please,’ Adam begged, even as his grip tightened, even as his other hand took as firm a grasp as he could manage on both their cocks at once, pumping them both in time with their thrusts; Feral immediately joined him, still clutching Adam's ass with one hand but his other tangled with Adam’s as the two of them fucked their combined fists. ‘Please, babe, _ please.’ _

‘Pet,’ Feral said, then choked out ‘I – fuck pet, I – I love –’

‘Say it,’ Adam whispered, his grip on Feral’s throat tightening and relaxing in time to their hips, their fists. ‘Say it, mean it, you don’t lie, _ say it –’ _

‘I love you,’ Feral whispered, and Adam snapped his hips forward with a hoarse cry, his hand around Feral’s throat tightening hard enough to hurt. To gasp for air. To bruise.

** _‘Pet,’_ ** Feral moaned, and came bare seconds before Adam did, light-headed and ruined from the inside out.

Adam dropped down to lie atop him, panting and ignoring their mingled cum currently smearing over their middles. ‘Fuck, Feral,’ he breathed.

‘Babe,’ Feral corrected, because he could.

‘You like that?’

‘Don’t push your luck, pet, I can only say so many emotional things in a day.’

‘It’s past midnight, you’ve got a few more left in you –’

Feral rolled his eyes, hauled Adam up to kiss him soundly, and thought that lying beneath Adam in the afterglow was the only ‘lie’ he’d ever really been made for.

* * *

‘You want to tell me why you were missing this morning, my _ dear, _ ** _baby brother?’_ ** Moira said with no little false sweetness as Adam and Feral finally caught up to the others.

Adam snorted at her, much to her visible displeasure. ‘Had to get something back.’

‘Why?’ said Rory, surly. ‘Why the fuck does he deserve your time?’

‘He doesn’t, probably,’ Adam replied.

‘Really don’t,’ Feral agreed, only to get elbowed for it.

‘But I’m going to pick who I give my time, regardless of if they deserve it. Don’t think it means I forgive him. Or that I’m not angry.’

Lucy watched him, face… understanding, to Feral’s surprise. ‘But you can put it in your past.’

‘What the fuck are you talking about, Luce?’ Rory asked, but went still when Lucy simply replied,

‘Ian.’

Feral glanced at Adam, who looked like he was understanding himself. That night, when they’d had a chance to settle down and Lucy wasn’t in earshot, Adam would tell him what had happened: Lucy’s brother, through freak accident or nature no one knew, had a persistent and unavoidable craving for human meat, human blood. He’d actually killed their parents when he couldn’t control it, and he fled. Lucy had tried to find him, finally hired someone else to do it, and Ian was found – whoever she’d hired was good; they’d even managed to negotiate some kind of blood donation system in secret, so Ian could return and live with Lucy in Megaton. It was a bit of an open secret amongst the townsfolk, now, but since Ian never caused trouble, eventually people just let it lie. It was something that could never be made up, never fully forgiven, so Lucy had dealt with it in another way.

That would all be later, and Feral would then understand what she meant by ‘put it in your past’. In the moment, all Adam did was give him a look – something halfway between a reassurance and a silent _ Later _ – and that was enough for Feral, because it was from Adam.

‘He’s not coming back with us to Megaton, is he?’ Moira said, frowning. ‘I don’t like that at all.’

‘Only for a day or two,’ Adam said, and Moira relaxed until he added, ‘then we’re headed south – I heard there’s some kind of stuff happening in Appalachia when I was asking around Philly, some old vault that opened way back when and is getting weird now, and he was going to go south anyway, so we’re going to check it out.’

‘You’re _ leaving?’ _ she said, distressed.

‘Not forever,’ Adam replied. ‘Never forever. But – I don’t think I can stay in Megaton forever, anyway. I’m not the same person.’

‘We want you there, anyway,’ Rory said, looking almost as distressed as Moira. ‘No matter who you become. I – _ we _ are always going to want you.’

Adam sighed. ‘Rory?’

‘Yeah?’

‘You’re a good friend. I like you a lot. It’s never going to happen, because you’re over forty and we just don’t click.’

‘What?’ Rory said, then scowled, red-faced at having been caught out. ‘He’s older than me!’ he protested.

‘I’m thirty one,’ Feral said, and Rory stared at him. ‘I been reliably informed that for some reason I been ageing like a president,’ he added dryly, and Adam almost didn’t swallow his laughter in time. ‘But no. I know you ain’t gonna believe it, but I _ do _ got some standards. Wouldn’t do this if I was that old and he this young.’

‘They’re rare, but the standards are in there on occasion,’ Adam agreed. ‘But still. Doesn’t matter. Still not into you, Rory, but if you bother paying attention to Nova one of these days, you’re going to be surprised.’

‘...what?’

‘Not important,’ Adam said. He gently elbowed Feral again, not in retaliation but to make his point, and said, ‘Trust me, he was harder to convince than anyone else, but I’m choosing this. It’s not something he’s making me do. Besides, if he fucks up, I just strangle him and leave him in a ditch.’

‘Looks like you already tried,’ Rory pointed out, gesturing to the bruises visible on Feral’s throat, even around the scarf he wore.

‘Had to work some things out,’ Adam said casually.

‘I been basically asking for it at this point,’ Feral said, because it was true, he could say it wryly so it wouldn’t sell him out, and it made Adam look like he was going to die from trying to hold his laughter in. ‘Ain’t gonna ask none of you to like me, or even put up with me very long. Can’t blame you worth shit. And you ain’t gotta believe me, neither. But I got him as far as Philly, safe as I could make him, because I promised.’

Feral shrugged, the target of three very suspicious glares and one very exasperated but fond glare. ‘Willing to promise I’ll get him back again. If it helps, if I fuck it up, I promise to come back so you can do the job instead of doing it myself.’

‘Oh, that’s so _ morbid,’ _ Moira said distastefully, but nodded. ‘Okay. Dibs?’

‘...dibs?’ he repeated, confused.

‘Megaton slang,’ Adam said, sounding satisfied with his confusion. ‘She’s saying she gets to go first if killing you comes up. Seriously? Dibs wasn’t around back then?’

Feral snorted. ‘Even if it was, it ain’t like I woulda been paying attention to it. Anchorage wasn’t exactly the centre for pop culture.’ He barely refrained from adding pet, suspecting (rightly, he was willing to bet) that it would just get him killed.

‘Okay,’ Moira burst out, ‘I am never going to forgive you but if you answer questions I’ll give you a chance to explain yourself before I kill you –’

‘Wow, Moira, who’s morbid now –’

‘– shut up, Adam, there’s someone more interesting than you right now. Seriously. Questions.’

Feral pinched the bridge of his nose, reminded himself that he’d been willing to do worse for Adam so he had to be willing to shoulder this, and nodded.

‘Okay! So if you were up in Alaska you have to have seen some of the animals, and I am _ dying _ to know what moose were like –’

_ Doing this for Adam, _ he chanted in his head as they all continued south. They were still two weeks away from Megaton, and he had a feeling this was going to be a thought he’d repeat often. _ Doing this for Adam. Doing this for Adam. Doing this for Adam. Doing… _


	15. fifteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Tags:
> 
> Anal, assault mention, slavery mention, Actual Healthy Communication™ (thank u Adam jfc about time), kink negotiation
> 
> Sure, that last one should probably be completed PRIOR to having sex, not in the middle, but hey, take what you can get
> 
> And hey, thanks for sticking it out and hitting the end of the story. Your reward? A double length chapter <3

Feral fully intended to simply never mention it, but the afternoon after they left Megaton Adam said,

‘I’ve been meaning to say thank you. You know, for putting up with Moira that long.’

Feral took a deep breath. ‘You got two options here, pet: honesty, or silence.’

‘Oh, this’ll be good. Honesty, babe.’

‘You sure? Last chance.’

Adam grinned at him. ‘If it’s awful I’ll just punch you.’ 

‘Fair. Alright, pet. You are lucky your sister was still alive by day three, much less by the time we got back, and there were no less than six times that I considered killing her, and not as a joke.’

‘...Oh, that’s it?’ Adam asked in disbelief, and snickered at Feral’s dirty look. ‘Listen, my standards are higher now for fucked up shit, and I seriously considered killing Rory before we got home, so it’s not like you’re alone on that.’

Feral knew his face darkened, and Adam rolled his eyes at him; he was still smiling. Not like summer, but like autumn – the path to winter, the vibrant line that led to the cool, quiet peace. ‘Calm down there, tough guy. He’s just a friend, and you know it.’

Feral huffed and looked away, scowling, and Adam laughed at him. ‘Watch it, pet,’ he said thoughtlessly, and would have paused, wondered if it was a misstep, if Adam hadn’t continued on.

‘Yeah, yeah, okay,’ he said, and sighed himself. ‘He was a slave up at Paradise Falls for a long time, years ago. So when it came to the raider stuff, he – you know. Got it. It was nice to have a friend who understood what it was like.’

...ah. 

‘I see,’ Feral said. Adam gave him a strange look. ‘What?’

‘I don’t know, you’ve just… changed,’ Adam said, shaking his head. ‘It’s kind of weird, you know?’

‘Two months of staring your ghosts in the face can do that to a man.’

‘Yeah, I guess.’ They walked quietly for a while longer, winter stillness in the air as they made their way south; neither really knew the lay of the land, per se, but they’d been told the East Coast Greenway was generally considered a safer route than most, once you were moving south of the Capital Wasteland. At least until you hit the Savannah Six, at which point you were taking your life in your own hands going south into what used to be Florida. Since they were only going as far as the Maymont walls, though, neither were all that concerned, as long as they kept an ear out for anything moving towards them. ‘Hey, babe?’ Adam asked at last.

Feral looked over. ‘What’s on your mind, pet?’

‘What… you know. Actually happened in there?’

‘A whole lotta nothing, pet, promise,’ Feral said. ‘Preserver came by every day to ask me if I wanted to talk, I said no, and off she’d go.’

‘I don’t mean like that.’

‘Then how do you mean?’

‘When I got you out, I made a joke about you pretending to repent, and you said you weren’t pretending. And you said that thing about ghosts just now. And – you know. You’re really different, now. Not so much that I don’t recognise you, but – even compared to when you got nabbed…’

Feral frowned. ‘Is it a problem?’

‘No. Maybe? Not, like, a  _ problem,’ _ Adam said, and Feral kept himself from responding because Adam was audibly working it out as he went. ‘It’s just… weird. Considering who you were when we… ‘met’. I just – I’m glad to be here. I chose to be here. But I kind of… how did this work? How did you become… you know. A person, again? That doesn’t make sense.’

‘Not entirely, no,’ Feral said, and Adam laughed a little. ‘I think you’re asking why I ain’t a  _ complete _ amoral bastard now?’

‘Kind of, yeah. You said you’d been doing shit like that for years. That doesn’t just… go away.’

‘No. Maybe it don’t. Maybe it ain’t supposed to, I don’t know.’ Feral was quiet a moment, but added, just as Adam opened his mouth, ‘Think I told you once I wasn’t always like this.’

‘Yeah. I remember that.’

‘That don’t mean I ain’t never had the capacity to become this. I just didn’t do it, because the world was different, then. I had reasons to not be a monster, then. Now I gotta find reasons to not be a monster again.’

‘What, I’m not a good reason?’ Adam teased.

‘Ain’t your job to be a reason. Ain’t supposed to be some kinda – limit, or something,’ Feral replied, serious, and Adam’s smile faded. ‘This sorta thing’s supposed to be something a person can do for themself, instead of relying on somebody else. Most of my life I relied on Lydia to be my conscience, because I was willing to try and be a decent human being for my little sister. Took the easy way out. I’m just… tired of taking the easy way out.

‘That don’t mean you ain’t got no part in it. It means you can be a reason for me to do it. You just shouldn’t be the reason I  _ don’t. _ That’s gotta be me, pet. So that’s what I was doing in there. Didn’t think I would get out, made my peace with that, and decided to try to make peace with my ghosts while I was at it. Lydia. Shaun.’ He hesitated. ‘You.’

Adam was watching him, even as the two continued walking, but didn’t speak.

‘I remember you saying you wished I just went back to being a monster,’ Feral said, looking at Adam. ‘Is this part of that? Is this something that don’t work for you?’

‘What? No! No, that’s not – no,’ Adam said hastily. ‘And even if it didn’t, you know. It’s not really something I can… yeah. Or I’d want to, you know, mess with. It’s just –’ he shook his head. ‘I can see it with you. But if you were anyone else – if I was hearing this story from anyone else…’

‘Ain’t forgivable, is it,’ Feral said, and Adam nodded. ‘Yeah. I ain’t gonna forgive me, neither. Another albatross around my neck. But the alternative to trying to live with it is to  _ not _ live with it, and I ain’t too enamoured of the concept.’

He expected Adam to laugh a little – had hoped for it – but Adam only tilted his head.

‘Albatross, huh?’

Feral shrugged. ‘Old poem Lydia liked.’

For the first time in Feral’s memory, when Adam muttered he didn’t actually hear him; at least not fully. He only caught a fragment or two. ‘...a sadder and a wiser man / he rose the morrow morn.’

‘What’s that, pet?’

‘Nothing, just trying to remember something,’ Adam said, and shook his head. He sighed. ‘I guess I’m trying to understand myself in this, too. But for the record, babe,’ and he smiled up at Feral, looking surprisingly contented. ‘I like the new you. When you’re not being a dick.’

‘You can say you ain’t like me none, pet,’ Feral said dryly, and  _ this _ time Adam laughed, and it was worth it.

They continued on through the day, and Feral was relieved that the melancholy was left behind by the time they set up camp. Feral had laid down a policy of ‘first intact house we see after dark is where we’re staying unless a deathclaw’s living there’, because as a general rule he didn’t like trying to sleep outside of  _ any _ shelter during winter, and Adam agreed fervently; even if it meant they walked for an hour longer than they strictly should have, not having to deal with the wind that was picking up was worth it.

The house itself was incredibly small – a grand two rooms on the ground floor to its name, the upstairs long gone. One room had intact walls and a solid roof, whereas the other was missing a corner of its roof and part of its northern wall, through which soil and stone had long spilled through to bury the floor. It was a good find, giving them both shelter and a place where they wouldn’t burn the whole thing to the ground if they had a fire, and Feral had the feeling that was going to be important; snow was starting to fly.

‘Looks like we should’ve waited a day, huh,’ Adam said. They’d been lucky to find an old broken wooden bed-frame and two nightstands, so they’d be okay for firewood for a little while, at least.

‘Not if you wanna keep your sister,’ Feral replied, handing Adam his share of dinner.

‘I mean, fair, but watch – this is going to turn into a blizzard, and we’re going to be stuck here for a few days.’

‘Then we get stuck for a few days,’ Feral said with a shrug, taking a bite of his cram. ‘We’re gonna live, ain’t the worst thing neither of us gone through. We’ll find something to do.’

‘I can think of someone,’ Adam said innocently, and it took Feral a good handful of seconds to realise what he’d said.

‘...can we at least finish dinner first, pet.’

‘You know, once upon a time, it was ‘whenever you wanted’.’

‘Yeah? And I ain’t never remember doing it once before dinner. Mostly because I wanted dinner.’

Adam huffed, set aside his food, made to get up –

‘If you interrupt my meal, you ain’t getting nothing at all. I mean that.’

Adam scowled but picked up his food again. Feral laughed at him.

‘Shut up,’ Adam said, glaring down at his food as if blaming it for cockblocking him. ‘I think you probably caught this by now, but I happen to like the way you look and also haven’t gotten a chance to do anything about it since Philly. Some of us have needs, babe.’

‘Yeah? Like eating?’

‘I’m going to punch you.’

‘Go for it, pet. But you better make it count.’

Adam looked like he was sorely tempted to just throw something at Feral’s head. Feral just grinned and kept eating.

Like he’d suspected, the second he set his dish aside, Adam was up and moving to drop into his lap. ‘Fucking finally,’ Adam muttered, making himself comfortable in Feral’s lap, which left Feral’s eyebrow creeping up. This was  _ not _ what he’d expected.

‘What are you doing, pet?’

‘What does it look like I’m doing?’

‘Well, considering how you were talking a few minutes ago, I’m just surprised I ain’t got your tongue in my mouth, at the moment.’

Adam snickered at that, comfortably settled in and looking down at Feral from about an inch’s worth of height difference. He was heavier since the last time Feral had him in his lap like this, Feral thought as he laid his hands on Adam’s hips; it was a solid, reassuring weight. Adam was recovering. Never the same, as he’d said himself. But his body was on the way back to full health, and much closer than last Feral had a chance to check. ‘In a bit,’ he said, and kissed Feral’s mouth lightly. ‘I wanted to sit with you and find out if cuddling is too weird for whatever we are or not, and if it is then I can just make out with you until you fuck me and no harm, no foul.’

Feral started to snicker at that. ‘Ain’t we technically done this before?’ he asked, and after a second, Adam nodded, smiled slipping away. Feral sighed; he’d done it again. ‘Sorry, pet.’

‘No, it’s okay, you’re right.’

‘That ain’t what I’m apologising for, pet.’

‘I know.’ Adam tilted his head down at Feral. ‘I’m not sure it’s going to be… actually, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be impossible for me to figure out if you meant any of the nice things you did back in the beginning. Which ones, if any, were real. But – promise not to lie to me if I ask? I know you don’t. But – you know. You made that promise to someone else. So…’

‘It applies to you, too,’ Feral said firmly, but nodded. ‘Even so. I promise you: ain’t never gonna lie to you. Even when it would be better if I did.’

‘That’s actually way more comforting than it should be,’ Adam said, shaking his head with a very faint grin. ‘Thanks, babe.’

He kissed Feral, who kissed him back, still awkwardly trying to figure out how to kiss softly instead of harshly but beginning to pick it up.

‘So – that night, when you made me sleep with you,’ Adam said, pulling back. ‘Literally sleep, I mean. Was any of it genuine?’

‘Yes and no,’ Feral said. ‘I meant it exactly as I said it – everything I said, and that I was trying to be nice. I think you’re trying to figure out if there was something deeper past that, and there wasn’t.’

Adam nodded. ‘I mean… still awful. But it’s better than it being completely fake, you know?’

Feral shrugged back. ‘I  _ don’t _ know, pet. I think it’s only better if it helps you. Otherwise it’s just as awful as any other.’

Slowly, Adam wove his fingers into Feral’s hair, tilting Feral up so he could drop his head and rest their brows together.

‘When I told you I was pretending you were someone else who cared, I lied,’ he said at last. Feral frowned, though resting together the way they were, Adam couldn’t see it.

‘What, pet?’

‘I lied. I told you I was pretending you were someone else. I wasn’t. I was just pretending  _ you _ cared, and that it was all some sort of thing we were doing together that when it was over, we’d just be… two normal people. Who liked each other and were just into some really weird kinky sex things.’

Feral tried to stop it because he suspected this was a very serious part of the conversation, but he started to laugh softly. Thank god, Adam began to laugh too, sounding relieved.

‘It was why I stopped talking in New Haven, too,’ he added. ‘I was about to say that I was glad you came here, and then realised what I was saying was – actually really bad, considering the circumstances, and you’d also told me not to. And I didn’t want to piss you off.’

‘It woulda,’ Feral admitted.

‘Yeah, I wasn’t expecting you to say otherwise. I didn’t want to like you. That was the literal worst ending I could think of.’

‘You ain’t alone in that,’ Feral said.

‘That helps, you know.’

‘If it does, then at least that’s something.’

They were quiet; Feral liked that. Not because he didn’t want to hear Adam, but because it was nice that they could each think their thoughts out without feeling bad for doing it.

‘If we could have met a different way,’ Adam asked after some time passed, ‘even if –’

‘Yes.’

‘You have to let me finish the question, babe.’

‘You can, if you wanna, but you ain’t gotta finish,’ Feral said. ‘Yes. Near any other way. Yes.’

‘Even if we never got here? Even if we just – saw each other for a second at a trader’s stall, and never saw each other again?’

‘Yes.’

‘Even if it meant I stayed with the raiders?’

‘And that, pet,’ Feral said, having seen this coming, ‘is why I said ‘near any other way’. I ain’t a good man. And nobody oughtta mistake me for one. And I’m sorry for what I’m about to say, just so you know. But I woulda done all of this to you all over again, even knowing what was coming, if it meant you didn’t get left there.’

Adam was abruptly wrapped as tight around Feral as another human being could be, hiding his face in Feral’s neck as Feral choked in surprise. And from the grip.  _ Damn,  _ but Adam had some strength hiding away in that small, thin frame.

‘What in – what’s going on, pet?’

‘I’m trying to figure this all out,’ Adam said, heavily muffled by Feral’s jacket and throat together; had it not been so close to his ear by nature, Feral was pretty sure it would’ve been unintelligible. ‘Trying to square how to be okay with it.’

‘You ain’t gotta –’

‘I know, but I need to be, for me,’ Adam interrupted. ‘Just – it’s not even about you, really. I just… I don’t know if it’s forgiveness, but I can’t let it keep sitting here, because I want to be here with you and I’m not going to be able to shut my brain up until I figure it out.’

‘...alright,’ Feral said. ‘If this is what you need, then I’m gonna try to help. Warning you fair and square, pet, if you keep running in circles around the same ideas, I’m gonna tell you. Just because we’re here don’t mean my patience has grown all that much.’

Adam sat back, and Feral expected an annoyed expression but instead found one significantly more complex. ‘Please do it,’ he said. ‘Just – okay, it’s not like I want you to be an asshole, or do awful shit to me, or whatever, but – be mad at me sometimes, okay? This feels weird, you trying to just… accept everything and take it. I get why you want to, but I want you to stop. Be mad at me if you’re mad. Be annoyed if you’re annoyed. I’m not glass. I’ll tell you when it’s too much.’

Feral took a second to try to parse all that, then sighed. ‘I’m gonna need you to boil that down. I know you got a mouth on you, but you ain’t gotta talk in paragraphs.’

Adam burst out laughing, something a little hysterical to it but significantly more relieved. ‘There, that,’ he said when he could breathe. ‘Just – do that. Don’t be soft about shit like that, because it’s not how we work. I’ll tell you if you go too far.’

‘Promise?’ Feral said, and something he hadn’t realised he was missing began to stir in him. Hope. Relief of his own.

‘You promised me you wouldn’t lie,’ Adam replied. ‘I can’t exactly say the same, I know me. But I promise to tell you when it’s important.’

‘When it’s gonna hurt you. Even if you ain’t think it’s important.’

‘...okay. Alright. Yeah, I promise.’

And something that felt like a foggy weight lifted off of Feral. He hadn’t realised how much he’d been dampening himself until Adam asked him to stop. ‘There you go, pet,’ he said, and kissed Adam himself. He didn’t bother to try to be gentle this time; it wasn’t in his nature, really, and he could try to meet Adam’s nature halfway but he couldn’t get there all the way, and that was… if not okay, then acceptable.

Adam pressed up against him, and for a few seconds tried to take control of the kiss from him. Feral refused to cede any ground, a quiet warning growl in the back of his throat vibrating out over Adam’s tongue, and Adam jerked, startled; Feral would have hesitated five minutes past, but he didn’t want to now, and so didn’t. He just kissed Adam harder, and when he finally drew away, Adam looked as dazed as if Feral had suckerpunched him. That passed quickly when Feral pushed him off his lap.

‘Hey, what the fuck –’ Adam complained, but shut up when Feral got to his feet and hauled Adam up after him. ‘What –’

‘We ain’t fucking out here,’ Feral said flatly, and Adam moaned before slapping a hand over his mouth, turning red. Feral grinned in satisfaction at that. He hadn’t even been touching Adam. ‘Come on, put out the fire, I’ll set up the bedrolls.’

‘One bedroll,’ Adam said, and Feral rolled his eyes.

‘No, pet, I was just gonna fuck you in the open air during a blizzard.’

‘It’s technically a closed room.’

**‘Pet.’**

Adam moaned again as he’d bent, nearly stumbling into the fire and only stopped by Feral’s hasty grab of the back of his jacket. ‘Watch it, pet,’ he grumbled when Adam was on his two feet again.

‘Yeah, yeah, go, tough guy, I’ve got this.’

‘I’ll be pissed if you burn your fool face off,’ he said as he walked towards the little room where their packs were waiting.

‘I’ll still be prettier than you.’

Feral snorted, then began to set out the bedrolls, zipping them together; even if the two of them hadn’t been planning on fucking, he would’ve done it. Body warmth really did go a long way towards warding off the chill.

Adam stepped in and closed the door behind him as Feral finished up, and his slim brown hands touched Feral’s waist. ‘Feral…’

Feral straightened up, about to roll his eyes, but when he finally saw Adam’s face, he paused. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen an expression that painfully longing before, like something missing was being dangled over Adam’s head. Like he still hoped, but it was by a tenuous thread; like he needed, but couldn’t reach his need. It was directed at Feral, a more intense emotion than Feral had ever had to respond to before, and for an instant he wasn’t sure he  _ could.  _ That he really had the capacity anymore, even though he wanted to try.

If he’d thought the emotion Adam bore was intense, then he was unprepared for the one that hit  _ him _ a bare second later. Overwhelming need, not like food or water or air, something that ran down past his bones into the centre of him.

He grabbed Adam’s face, kissing him hard, tongue spilling past his lips like a flood. Adam, for his part, did his goddamned best to try and climb Feral, or drag him down within reach, whichever would get him in more contact faster. They would probably regret it later, but neither gave a single solitary shit about their clothes, shoving and pushing and tearing open to get at the flesh beneath.

They stumbled and Adam fell; he scrambled for balance and only managed to drag Feral down with him, the two of them hitting the floor hard, the bedroll doing very little to cushion the impact. If Adam cared, he gave no sign of it, choosing instead to shimmy the bedroll’s top layer from beneath himself and manoeuvre it up over the both of them, blocking out some of the cold. It was a task made difficult by Feral’s kiss, which Feral had no apologies for – the one time Adam tried to pull away, Feral just reached up and gripped his chin, keeping him in place.

The two of them covered at last, Adam’s hands skimmed down to Feral’s hips, reaching back and digging graceful fingers into his ass, his thighs. ‘Feral,’ he gasped as he was finally allowed air, ‘Feral, tell me what to do, what are we doing, please –’

This was familiar, in a dark way that was beginning to fade into the distance, replaced by sensation and want. Adam wanted this – wanted Feral’s control, at least in the moment – and Feral was almost hard enough to be robbed of thought entirely.

‘I’m gonna ride you, pet,’ he said, and Adam’s hips shoved up with his breathy cry at the thought. ‘I’m gonna fuck your cock. That’s what we’re doing. Understand me?’

‘I understand you,’ Adam said, voice ruined even before Feral got a hand on his dick. ‘God, please – let me do your ass for you, please, I’ve wanted to for ages, please tell me I can –’

Feral groaned harshly under his breath, then nodded. ‘I think you earned it,’ he agreed. ‘Never could turn down a pretty face like yours.’

‘Stop fucking talking,’ Adam panted, reaching out of the bedroll for where Feral had placed the bottle of lube that had gone untouched for months. ‘Stop talking, or I’m not going to last, babe, I swear –’

Feral pushed himself up, both because he’d need to for Adam to prepare his ass and so he could place his hand in the middle of Adam’s chest and press down. Not hard enough to hurt, but enough to tell him he wasn’t moving. ‘No,’ he said, flat, and Adam moaned. ‘Figure out how to last, pet.’

‘Yeah? What are you going to do, make me?’ Adam challenged.

‘No, pet. But if you do what I tell you, when I tell you, then you gonna get rewarded.’ Feral leaned down, lips just touching Adam’s as he added, ‘Make it good for me, pet. Make it good, and you can come in me. How does that sound?’

Adam stopped breathing entirely, staring up at him. ‘Okay, note for the future,’ he said in a high voice. ‘Fuck consequences and shit like that – if you want to control me, just offer fucking incentives. God.’

Feral frowned at that. ‘Pet. I thought you said – equal. We ain’t doing nothing like that no more.’

‘It’s different,’ Adam argued stubbornly; he’d taken the moment to warm the lube on his fingers, because when he touched Feral’s asshole without warning, it made Feral jolt from surprise, not discomfort. ‘You’re not making me do things I don’t want to do so I don’t have to deal with consequences, you’re getting me to do things the way you want me to by making sure I get something  _ I _ want for doing it.’

‘I don’t get it, pet,’ Feral admitted, and shuddered in the best way as Adam’s finger began to slowly work inside. ‘You’re smarter than me, you know that, you’re gonna have to say it in fewer words.’

Adam rolled his eyes. ‘You’re not dumb, Feral.’

‘I ain’t said I’m dumb. Said you’re smarter than me. And I don’t understand this.’

‘You’re not ignoring my ‘no’ anymore, babe,’ Adam replied, and Feral shifted his legs a little wider at the name, at the way Adam’s finger worked deeper as Feral relaxed around him. ‘You’re making me say yes. I know it doesn’t  _ sound _ like there’s a difference there, but I swear there is. Just –’

He was visibly casting about for a solution, an answer to the disconnect between what he meant and what Feral was hearing. Feral quickly lost the attention he’d been spending on Adam’s words, instead shifting it to the pleasant depth Adam was finally reaching, giving Feral enough room to rock back.

‘You ever hear of a safeword, babe?’ Adam said abruptly, startling Feral back into focus.

Feral wracked his brains, but if he had, it was too difficult to remember – Adam kept moving his finger just near enough to make Feral’s breath stutter, but never actually touched where Feral was trying to aim. ‘Ain’t never heard it off the top of my head,’ he said as clearly as he could. ‘Goddamn it, pet, you gonna do something with your hands or you just gonna play around for a while? Get your shit together.’

In response, Adam moved with certainty, curling his finger just right. Feral tossed his head back in surprise and shoved down; god, it had been weeks since he’d been touched, and his body clearly wasn’t too keen on holding out long, itself. ‘Christ, pet, went and got yourself magic fingers to match your magic hands?’ he panted.

‘Practised a  _ lot _ on myself,’ Adam said casually, and Feral groaned at the thought. ‘Pay attention, babe, this is important.’

Feral took a deep breath, but made himself concentrate on Adam; he could get off in a minute, but Adam had something to say now.

‘Safewords are basically emergency brakes,’ Adam said. ‘If stuff starts to go wrong or in a bad direction, you say the safeword, and you have to trust that the other person is going to stop. Normally, um,’ and his face was starting to go pink, ‘it’s kind of just a bedroom thing, I guess –’

Feral raised his eyebrow. ‘What were you getting up to when I had my ass parked in Philly?’

‘What? No! No, it was just – books. Sort of. Shut it, babe, listen, you have to adapt to what’s left after fucked up shit happens, okay, and if I kind of definitely missed you bossing me around after we stopped fucking, that’s my business.’

‘Clearly mine, too,’ Feral pointed out.

‘Only if you decide to go with it. And for the record this is a conversation I expected to try to have way down the line, so it didn’t exactly occur to me right away just now, but –’

‘Breathe, pet.’

Adam did so. ‘Okay. So basically what I’m trying to say is we pick a safeword, then we just – go back to the way we were, kind of. Except for, you know. Us actually giving a shit about each other. And you getting me to do things for stuff I want instead of avoiding stuff I don’t.’

Feral searched Adam’s face for a moment. ‘Pet…’

‘I don’t like remembering when we met,’ Adam said, ‘but you said – you know. I wanted someone who makes me feel good. Someone in charge. Someone who keeps me safe.’

Feral didn’t actually remember saying that, but it sounded like something he would’ve said in the heat of the moment, so he believed Adam.

‘You weren’t right then,’ Adam said bluntly. ‘If things had gone even a tiny bit different, you wouldn’t have  _ ever  _ been right. But you are now. No one like you. Just you. And – I kind of like the idea of taking those words and making them something good, you know? So that’s what I want.’

Feral hesitated a moment more, then nodded. ‘Your sister’s still gonna kill me if she ever finds out, pet,’ he said, and Adam laughed a little. ‘But okay. The way we were, mostly. Just with incentives, not consequences. Right?’

He’d forgotten in the course of their conversation, but it would’ve been nigh on impossible not to notice when Adam curled his finger inside Feral, a long slow rub that made Feral arch so far that his spine actually popped. ‘Exactly,’ Adam said innocently as Feral tried to catch his breath again. ‘So, safeword has to be something neither of us will say in regular conversation.’

‘Don’t expect me to come up with one, ain’t none of my thinking power in my brain at the moment.’

Adam considered this, thinking hard. ‘Vertibird?’

‘Ain’t impossible that we run into Brotherhood goons, so…’

‘Liberty Prime, then.’

‘You got an obsession with them, pet?’

‘No, they’re just a big enough turn off that it’ll work.’

Feral started to laugh without meaning to, and Adam looked so satisfied that it made Feral want to wipe it off his face. He did so by bending and kissing Adam, hard; all this did was give Adam more room to manoeuvre, and his finger began to move again.

‘The way we were, pet?’ Feral panted.

‘God, please.’

‘Then get me ready, pet, I ain’t patient and I been waiting for your cock long enough already,’ Feral said sharply, pushing himself up just a little, just to see Adam’s face.

‘You got it,’ Adam said, sounding a little giddy, and went to work.

It wasn’t hard to get Feral going, like this; one finger became two became three, Adam watching his face all the while like he’d never seen something so fascinating. ‘Christ, Feral,’ he whispered.

‘First one ain’t my name, but one outta two ain’t bad,’ Feral said as he rocked back into Adam’s touch, making Adam snort.

‘What  _ is _ your name?’

‘Honestly, pet, does it matter?’ Feral asked. ‘Name of a dead man. I ain’t him no more, and I don’t want that name no more. I don’t mind McIntyre, but I’m Feral now. Don’t need the old one.’

Adam nodded at that. ‘You know what, that makes sense. Okay, I’ll leave it alone.’

‘Thank you. I’m ready, pet, and ain’t neither of us gonna last long, so –’

‘No kidding,’ Adam said as Feral sat up; the chill air outside the bedroll just slipped over his skin like a whisper, brushing over his nipples and hardening them into sensitive peaks. Adam's breath cut off as he stroked his own dick beneath Feral, slicking it up. ‘Next time, babe?’

‘Next time I’m in the mood, pet, we’ll try to drag it out,’ Feral agreed. He picked up Adam’s cock and felt Adam jerk beneath him; his thin fingers gripped Feral’s thighs. A long time ago, they would’ve been called pianist’s hands. Now, Feral just called them Adam’s, and loved them for it in a way he’d never thought he’d love anything. He set Adam’s cock against his stretched asshole, then began to drop without bothering to ask.

It was as good as he remembered, gliding past all the right places and leaving Feral to hiss in pleasure; when he felt it nudge his prostate, he didn’t bother to dampen his natural response. ‘Fuck, that’s good,’ he said, voice rasping as it rumbled out of his chest, and Adam bucked up helplessly into Feral – only for Feral to stop. ‘Don’t move,’ he said, voice brooking no argument. ‘Not til I tell you to move. Understood?’

Adam nodded, eyes on Feral and breath coming in tiny gasps. ‘Understood.’

‘Good. That’s my pet.’ Adam groaned at the praise, and held still as best he could as Feral dropped down, driving Adam’s cock into him inch by beloved inch. ‘Very good,’ Feral said when he was as far as he could go, and Adam made a noise with no name but a beautiful sound. ‘You like when I say that. When I tell you that you done the right thing. Don’t you.’

‘Don’t psychoanalyse me right now, babe,’ Adam begged. ‘Please, just – let me, you feel so good, please just let me –’

‘You  _ have _ gone and done everything I asked of you,’ Feral said, because it was a new way to do this, a way he’d have to explore and figure out, but hell. If Adam was going to get off on being told what to do, might as well go the full route. ‘Think you earned the right to fuck me.’

He lifted a little, letting Adam’s cock slid out an inch or two, and Adam gulped down air as he kept his hips still.

‘Go ahead, pet,’ Feral said, voice quiet, coaxing. ‘Fuck me like you mean it, won’t you?’

Adam’s hands locked on Feral’s hips, grip tight enough to bruise, and slammed his hips up; he moaned freely as Feral cursed, the stroke moving beautifully into his body. ‘Fuck, pet, good as I remember,’ Feral said, spreading his legs a little wider. ‘You got a body shaped by angels, pet. Ain’t never fucked an ass like yours. Ain’t never fucked a cock like yours. Your hands and your mouth – can’t nobody else use them like you do.’

‘I hope not, they’re mine,’ Adam grit out as he kept fucking up into Feral’s body, Feral moving his own hips to make the thrusts drag past his prostate like sparks under his skin. He pressed one hand to Adam’s chest again, keeping him pinned, and wrapped his other around his own cock, starting to stroke.

‘Right there, pet,’ he said, ‘exactly like that.’ His words made Adam moan louder, helpless. ‘Fuck, pet, if I’d known all I gotta do to make you lose your damn mind is tell you that you’re doing it right –’

‘Shut up shut up shut up shut up,’ Adam chanted. ‘Tell me I can – Feral, I’m going to come, if I didn’t –’

‘You done it perfectly, pet,’ Feral said. ‘Come in me, pet. Make it worth my while.’

Adam whined high in the back of his throat and began to thrust up frantically, hips slamming into Feral’s ass and fingers digging in sharply into Feral’s flesh as he came. Feral kept jacking himself off as he did so, and rolled his hips down against each thrust, coaxing more cum from Adam – though God knew Adam came more than enough, the hot fluid thickness in Feral’s ass better than he remembered anyone else ever pulling off. Feral was close to his own orgasm, so close he could taste it.

‘Pet, now,’ he said, and forced himself to let go of his cock. ‘Jerk me off, I wanna see my cum on you –’

Adam moved immediately, one hand beginning to move tightly over Feral’s shaft; his other dipped below, beginning to gently roll Feral’s balls in his fingers.

Feral fucked forward into Adam’s grip so hard that with each movement he almost let Adam’s still softening cock slip out of his ass; Adam, the angel, just spread his legs and tilted his hips up to keep himself inside, leaving Feral to fuck his fist as hard as he wanted.

‘Adam –’ he said, losing control bit by bit. ‘Adam –’

‘Say please, babe,’ Adam said, grinning up at him, and Feral realised that Adam had really, fully meant  _ the way it was. _ Up to and including his impish rebellion from time to time. ‘Come on, tough guy. Or are you scared?’

‘Fuck you,’ Feral said, but the growl barely left his lips before he followed it with ‘Please – Adam, please –’

‘There we go,’ Adam said gently, and began to do some – some twist thing around his shaft that Feral couldn’t explain, but was too much to handle.

He came over Adam’s fist with all the pent up desire that had accumulated over the last few weeks, and if a dick could have pulled it off, he would’ve come all over again at seeing his white cum on Adam’s tan skin.

He sat atop Adam for a moment more, catching his breath, sinking into the moment and all it meant: Adam buried inside him still, beneath him and willing, smiling, and the two of them – somehow, in some fucked up, twisted way – in love.

It was a fucked up, twisted world, thought Feral, and they were two men warped by circumstance and experience and actions, so if what they had was warped too, then at least it was theirs.

At least Adam was his.

‘We both really won, didn’t we, pet?’ he asked, apropos of nothing.

Because it was Adam, he could pick up what Feral was saying, even in media res. ‘We did, babe,’ he murmured, sweeping his hands over Feral’s thighs. ‘We really did.’


End file.
